Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Laughed so hard I cried! My Journey with PCOS

So if you know me personally then you know that I love corny jokes. They make me laugh so hard I snort. They usually aren't funny at all to other people, but they laugh because I am laughing so hard. Sometimes I even lose my breath I laugh so hard!  

I came across this photo today and laughed so hard I cried. Seriously, best joke ever! 

I would rather spend my days crying from laughter then crying from the pain! 

Happy Tuesday y'all! 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Unanswered Prayers My Struggle With PCOS

This week has been a bad week. Month 29 of not getting pregnant. I know that it's not going to happen now with out medicial intervention, but there is something inside of you that just doesn't give up that hope that it will happen. 

Well, I was having a bad week, until today happened. I woke up this morning in excruciating pain (my wonderful cramps), so I got up and took a bath. I asked Nathan to get my some pain mess and he didn't realize I was in the bathroom so he was yelling throughout the house for me. This woke Jack up and then he was running all over the house. That woke up the baby next door and she was screaming bloody murder. What a night mare. 

We got to work and were telling the story to my boss and he said 'imagine that with 2 kids of your own'. My stomach dropped. It was one of the first times that I realized holyyyyy crap. What if we did have a child or children right now. I couldn't even imagine. 

A little over 3.5 Months ago we started on this adventure to Texas. We both accepted promotions and life has been a roller coaster. As of Jan 1st, Nathan will be adding more responsibility to his role and I accepted another promotion into a new portion as well. Life is crazy, life is fun, and our careers are taking us just where we wanted to go. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. We have both worked extremely hard to be where we are at in our careers. It seems as though all the stars are aligning. 

Sometimes we might just need to stop and thank God for our unanswered prayers...even if you want them answered more than anything else! 

Friday, November 7, 2014

You just never know... My Struggle With PCOS

There is something unique about having an invisible illness. No one knows unless you tell them. 

We all get up every morning, place a smile on our face and go out into the world and act as if our lives aren't crumbling apart inside of us. 

The even more unique thing, they are also the people who would never ask why you don't have kids yet, or when you're going to start trying. And you realize it in a second. 

You see I had the fortunate chance to meet someone else fighting the same battle I am fighting. Someone who feels all the same things I feel. Someone who just gets it. And boy was it ever nice. 

We talked, we laughed, we got mad, we got sad. The best thing...we did it together. 

You just never know what another person is going through. Be kind to everyone around you! 

Friday, October 17, 2014

The now... My Struggle With PCOS

12. Despite what my husband believes, paying for IVF is more important than buying a house

Lesson I'm trying to teach the hubs!

The decision has been made. I can't produce an egg. Every month, instead of my egg dropping like it's supposed to, it turns into a little cyst. (Sometimes not so little). Oral medicine hasn't helped. Injections hasn't helped. At this point what that means is, I can't get pregnant naturally. So, in-vitro fertilization it is. 

Now, this is a big conversation. Do you know what all IVF entails? And more likely than not we would end up with Twins and we could even end up with more than that! Ugh...scarrrry! (This is me being dramatic, but seriously. I could have multiples because of this!)

Here's the other thing. IVF is expensive. Like, expensive as shit! (Excuse my French). We're looking at $16,000 for one treatment. First, do you know how many pairs of shoes I could buy with that much money??? Second, do you know how many IVF treatments fail? Well, it's a lot. Good news is, the clinic in Austin will pay you back $12,000 if the treatment fails. So, not too bad right? We'd only he put $4,000. No big deal! (Said no one...ever!)

So here we are, at the crossroads between having a baby or buying a house. We need a house to bring a baby home to. We need a house to be able to sleep peacefully in (without a crying baby on the other side of the wall. At least a crying baby that isn't ours!) We need a house for a magnitude of reasons. I get it, I really do.  I have also compromised on the fact that we are still young. I am only 28 years old and Nathan is only 32!  Nathan is also still set in the fact that we will have a baby naturally (yup, keep on dreaming there pumpkin!)

Long story short, having a baby is again on hold! We will keep trying naturally (and I'll prove to Nathan that I am ALWAYS right and he is ALWAYS wrong)! We will buy a house, and then we will save for In-vitro! I am going to continue to be monitored by my Dr monthly, you know, just in case I do drop an egg. And we will go from there! 

At this point, we're both just along for the ride! We have realized that life is what you make of it. We can spend our time wanting so desperately to have a baby that we miss out on all that is in front of us, or we can come face to face with reality and live in the now. Experience what is in front of us, live life to the fullest and be thankful every day for what we do have! And what we do have is pretty kick ass! :) 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Lessons I've learned from infertility My Struggle with PCOS

I have learned a life full of lessons since discovering I suffer from infertility. Some are good, some are bad, some have been hard, and some make me giggle. Here is my life: 

1. Good things don't always happen to good people. 

2. No matter how bad you want something, sometimes it's not meant to be in the moment. 

3. I've learned to hate my period for completely different reasons then I ever hated it before. 

4. Sometimes even the biggest piece of chocolate can't help your heartache

5. Getting advice from your Mom on your sex life is always awkward. No matter how close you are. 

6. Other people deserve to be happy and have babies. Don't be a hater. 

7. Infertiity can ruin a marriage if you let it. Don't let it. 

8. Always wear clean underwear to the Gyno

9. If you're suffering infertiity your Dr won't care if you shave your legs or not. 

10. It's a lot easier buying pregnancy tests with a ring on your finger. 

11. Everyone has advice. Listen to it all, use what you want of it. 

12. Despite what my husband believes, paying for In vitro is more important than buying a house. 

13. Being bitchy is not cute. Put your big girl panties (clean ones) on and deal with it. 

14. No matter how many books you read, as soon as you finish the last page, you are back to reality. Don't shut out the people who mean the most to you to escape to a land of fiction. 

15. Life goes on. It really really does. 

16. Hold on tight to the hand of the man that is fighting this battle with you. I promise you, you'll try and let go hundreds of times, and he'll never let you! 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

My husband, my soul mate, my friend My Struggle With Infertility

My husband. My soul mate. My best friend. My husband is one of the best men I've ever known! He loves me, he inspires me, and he stands beside me in all that I do. Most people in our lives know this already though! I am just sometimes reminded of how special of a guy he is. Today was one of those days. 

Let me tell you a little story! No promises it will be short! :)

About two months ago we were driving down the street and he looked over at me and said "I want to have a baby". My heart broke into a million pieces. You see, I've always wanted a baby at all costs. Nathan has been more consertative, both with the expense of it all and and with the emotional stress it was putting me through. Nathan has always maintained positice saying that it would happen when it was supposed to happen, and we would just try harder. You know, saying all the things that made me want to punch him in the face! :) But, it was his way to stay positive! 

My husband telling me that he wants to have a baby breaks my heart because he will be the most amazing father. He is funny, he is smart, he is well rounded. He is open minded and will love a child no matter what happens in their life. He is someone that many people lean on and depend on but often forget that he might need someone to lean on and depend on top. 

My husband wants a baby. Before, it was always just my hurt. I wanted the baby. Every month was a disappointment in myself. It was me that couldn't give me what I wanted. Now, it's me who can't give my husband, who would give me the world on a white-gold platter if I asked for it, a baby. Actually he would give it to me not even if I asked for it, but if I simply mentioned it was something I would like to have at some point. He loves me like that! :-)

Today, he was teaching a version of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to a classroom full of people. I went into the classroom at the end of the day and was reminded how lucky we are to simply have each other. To know to the core of our beings that we are each other's soul mates and best friends. It's special. My husband is a special man. Everyone that gets to meet him and have him as a part of their life is a better person because of it. I say it all the time, but am truly starting to belibe it. Even if we can never have children, we are blessed to have each other and the love that we share! 

The greatest part of all of it is when I tell him that I feel like I am disappointing him, he simply tells me that I could never disappoint him, kisses my forehead and moves on with his day. 

So to the man who I love more than I ever thought possible to love someone else, thank you for being the person you are. Everyone in your life is better for knowing you. 

Thursday, August 28, 2014

New Hope My Struggle With PCOS

A little over two years ago I walked into my Dr's office getting what would be my last Depo Shot. I was on cloud 9. I was getting married in a couple of months. I had just had my bridal shower/bachelorette party. My husband had been home for the weekend. Everything in life was perfect (or at least my version of perfect). 

Fast forward to now. 24 months since I got my last Depo shot, 22 months since we have been trying to have a baby. 

We stopped all treatments about 2 months ago and I have pretty much stopped blogging because there hasn't been much to say. 

We relocated to Texas and are about to open a new site that will keep us pretty busy. I would like to say that having a baby has been the last thing on my mind, but that's simply not the case. It seems like every day I get on Facebook someone new is pregnant. Or stupid Jill Duggar who has only been married for 8 weeks, or Shakira, or whatever other stupid celebrity just accidently ends up pregnant! (Sorry, but they are stupid!) My favorite Facebook announcement this week was one where 4 siblings held up signs that said 'oops it happened again'. Oops, I accidentally unfriended you! :) Rude, I know. Childish, I know. But seriously! 

Anyways, the point of this post was to say that Austin has a world renowned fertility clinic that we are going to visit. I think there may be more to the story then just PCOS. I would rather know the whole story and figure out our options then continue down the path of trying the same thing month after month and just hoping it works! So I'm crossing my fingers that we can 1. Get in soon and 2. Get some better answers then we got in Waterloo! 

And please don't take offense if I delete you from Facebook after you make your pregnancy announcement! I'll re-add you in a couple days when I'm over my temper tantrum because I can't imagine not seeing baby bump pictures or the cute baby pics when they're born! 

P.S. Thanks to those who have accepted me back! 

P.P.S. If it's your 4th or more, I probably won't add you back!! :) (kidding,kidding!!) (not really though!) 

I've missed you guys! :) 

Saturday, July 19, 2014

My 'lucky' My Struggle With PCOS

I am having a hard time letting the comment I received on Friday go. For someone to tell me that I am just not as lucky as them. What gives?? First off, how very hurtful is that??? And second off, I didn't think pregnancy had anything to do with luck. 

I am a non-confortational person. Big time. I have a HUGE bark and NO bite at all! None! So, I just simply walked away. Because I didn't know how to respond. 

If I was quick witted here is what I would say! 

I may not ever be lucky enough to have a child. I may never be lucky enough to carry my own child. I may never be lucky enough to have someone call me Mom. But guess what?? I am damn lucky! You wanna know why?? 

I have a husband who thinks the sun rises and sets on ME! He loves me, even at times that I am not being loveable. He adores me, he spoils me, he protects me, he respects me. He is my soul mate. That alone makes me the luckiest girl in the world. But that's not all! 

I have an amazing family that supports me no matter what. I was raised by an amazing, fearless women who has taught me to always chase after my goals and dreams no matter how big or small they are. She taught me to love others, through all their differences. I had an amazing set of Grandparents who were like second parents to me. They are the reason I am the person I am today. The reason I can write this blog about how damn lucky I am. Because they taught me that the richest people in the world are the people who have a family that loves them. So not only am I lucky, I am rich! I have a sister, who I am not close to, but know that no matter what happens in either of our lives we would drop everything to be there for each other. We may not get a long, but that type of love, that runs deep. I have cousins and Aunts and Uncles who all mean the world to me. My family is everything. But that's not all! 

I married into this amazing family where I got a sister I have always wanted and a brother I have always wanted. I got these 2 cool nephews who think I'm pretty cool too. There is nothing better in my opinion then being Aunt Amanda. Nothing! My husband has the coolest Uncle and Aunts ever. I have experienced so many amazing things with them. And I have a mother and father in law that love and adore their son so very much. They have instilled morals and values into him and made him the man that he is today. I love them so much for that. But that's not all! 

I have this amazing, small group of friends that have become my family. They each mean the world to me. Their families and their lives have become my family and my life. They make me question the saying that blood is thicker then water because they mean that much to me. But that is not all! 

I have this job at this company that I love. When I say I love it, that's an understatement. I met my husband there. I met my best friends there. This place is like another family to me. People there have changed my life. Truly 100% changed my life. Because of them I am not only a better employee, but a better person. That speaks volumes for the type of company they are. But that's not all! 

You see, I could go on and on with all the reasons why I am lucky. My lucky night not look like your lucky, but it doesn't change the fact that luck for me....it runs deep. I wake up every morning lucky to be alive, lucky to be married to an mazing husband, have amazing friends and family and get to go to a job each and every day that I truly love doing. Yeah...that's my lucky! 

Monday, July 14, 2014

I miss her My struggle with PCOS

My Grandmother (Nannie) was the type of person who saw the good in everyone. She was also the type of person who always had your back no matter what. Right, wrong, or indifferent, she stood beside you. The older I have gotten I have realized you should t have too many people like this in your life, as they can become enablers, but my Nannie...it was just the way she was. Blood ran thick to her. And she stood by you no matter what. 

I miss that about her. I love my husband and I love my Mom, but they are fixers. If I call them to complain, they want to fix the problems. Sometimes I just want to complain. I miss being able to pick up the phone, call my Grandma and just complain. Her commentary was the best ever. The older she got, the more she cussed. Mind you, this is the same women who made us say H-E-double hockey sticks and only allowed us to say we had to go 'pottey' or 'use the restroom'. Sometimes I would be talking about someone and she would say things like 'oh, that bitch' and I would laugh and laugh. Then she would start laughing and soon, I wouldn't even know what I was mad about anymore. 

When I was really sad, I would drive down to Newton and lay in bed with her. She would play with my hair or scratch my back and it was in those moments that I knew everything was going to be okay. She would always tell me that everything in life happens for a reason. We might not know the reason, but there is one. 

I would do anything to be able to pick up the phone and call her. I would tell her how it isn't fair. And how much it sucks, and how I hate all my pregnant friends (not really, but I would say it!), and how I just want to throw my phone across the room when I see another new born picture (I may or may not have done that a time or two). I would tell her how I wrote a blog about not wanting to adopt, but I want a baby so damn bad, maybe we will adopt. I will tell her how it pisses me off when Nathan tells me 'we'll try again next month' and she would agree how stupid that is. I would tell her how proud I am of him and how I wish I could act more like him. She would remind me that I'm drama to the core, and I will never be calm, cool and collected, and that's why she loves me. I would tell her how I want to punch my Mom in the face when she tells me 'it was just so easy for me to have babies, I'm sorry it's hard for you.' Not helping MOM! She would call my Mom and tell her how stupid it was. I would tell her how stupid I think it is that insurance doesn't cover infertility. She would offer to pay, and I would say no, and then we would fight about that for 10 minutes. I would tell her how annoyed I get when people ask me how I'm doing. She would smartly reply 'how the h-e-double hockey sticks do you think I'm doing you twit??. She would say that because she gets me. She knows what its like to plaster a smile on your face when all you want to do is crumble. And that is why I would cry. I would cry and cry and cry and she would let me. But then, then she would tell me to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. And that's what I keep on doing, because it's what my Nannie would want me to do. 

I never knew that missing someone could hurt so badly. I think because I never knew what it was like to miss a piece of your heart. Every month I prepare myself to love a child that never comes. Every month I lose another little piece of my heart. I like to believe that my Nannie is collecting all the little pieces of my heart and she is taping them all back together. When it's time, I'll have a baby, and all those little pieces will come back to me, sent straight from my Nannie. (Probably on valentines day with a note 'roses are red, violets are blue, you'll never know how much I love you'.) Because truly, I don't think we ever did know just how much she loved us. 

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Yup.. My Struggle With PCOS

Do you ever read something and then feel your face because you know those words just slapped you right across the face?!? Happens to me all the time. Probably because I make a lot of mistakes and constantly am reminded of how to be better! 

For the longest time in my life when something was wrong, I blamed others. If I didn't get the job I wanted I would think "they don't know what their missing out on", if people would say they didn't like me I would think "sucks to be them. I am who I am". The list could go on and on, but you get the picture. I was perfect and everyone else had the isses. Who was the common demoniator in that situation? Ding ding ding! Me of course! 

It took me a long time. A long time of walking through the fire to really look inward and see that I had things that truly needed to change about me. It would have been easy if it was skill related, but unfortunately it was more character related. I truly needed to change the person I was. 

Now these changes started to take place about 10 months ago. I am no where near where I want to be, but I am so much farther from where I used to be. Things take time. Life is a constant journey. Yes there are times that you might get to be on coast, but you are still driving in the direction you want to go. 

For someone like me, who is wired in such a way that I want to be in charge, I want to carry the reins, I want to be the driver. Waiting is hard. It sucks. It's emotionally draining. I lie away more nights then I care to admit making lists of things in my life I could do differently to get the results I want to get. I seldom take a step back and enjoy the moment I am in because I am so worried about the next 1000 moments and how I am going to control each one of them. 

There is no finish line to race to at the end of life. I can't beat people there. Controlling the next moment and the next moment after that is not going to change the outcome. 

Live in the present. Live in the now. Know that what is meant to happen, will happen. If things in life aren't going the way you want them to, take a good long look inside and realize what you can change, but let go of the things you can't. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

And...another month bites the dust! My Struggle With PCOS

Confirmed. Not pregnant. Welcome back my little friend. One thing about you, you're pretty reliable. Too bad I view that as a negative quality instead of a positive! 

That is all I really have to say today. I have a cold, I'm pretty sure a sinus infection, and now cramps. I'm going to have some Mac and Cheese and hot dogs (which my husband is going to drive to the store and buy me because he contines to feed them to my dog) and then read a book! 

Check ya later reality! You can find me in fiction land the rest of the night! (Unless the heroine gets pregnant after like two months. Then I'll come back to reality! Cause you know, it's totally sane to get mad at fictional book characters!) 

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

So it begins... My Struggle With PCOS

A little background. Before I went on fertility medicine, my cycle was 35 days. Exactly 35 days. Down to the minute. 

When I went on clomid it took my cycles down to 28 days. Which would mean I should have started my period yesterday. Didn't come. Didn't come today either. 

So, I of course did what anyone would do and took a pregnancy test. Not pregnant (of course!). It says that it tests 6 days before missed period. But, I didn't take clomid this month. So, when is my missed period. 28 days or 35 days??

I feel like I have two options. I could take a test every day to feel like I know, or I could just wait until I either start or day 35 comes. Logically, because pregnancy tests cost an arm and a leg, I should just wait. But, when has Amanda (McQuin) Jones ever been logical?? Yes, I had to bring my maiden name in because I have NEVER in my 27 years of life been logical. 

Nathan bought a 2 pack tonight. Maybe I'll test every other day. (Yeah right!) check back tomorrow, there should be another update!! 👍👍

Friday, July 4, 2014

Something Special My Struggle with PCOS

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my husband is a private man. He keeps his emotions and his feelings close to his chest. He has a very limited group of friends and even more limited in who he communicates with on a regular basis. He is a very friendly guy and always joking and making people laugh, he's just quiet when it comes to his own time. 

As you have gathered, I am the opposite. To some extent. I am not private at all. I wear my emotions and my feelings on my sleeve for all the world to see. But I too have a very limited group of friends and am even more limited in who I communicate with on a regular basis. I like to be the center of attention when I'm in a crowd of people, but when I have my alone time, I like to be alone. 

I think it's one of the main reasons we work. We just co-exists. And I mean that in a really great way. Nathan likes to play video games and watch Netflix. I like to read books and sleep. We each do our own thing, checking in on each other occasionally, but really just enjoying quiet time to ourselves. Not a lot of people can do that. It's really an amazing thing. 

We were taking last night about wants vs needs in a house and how having seperate space is such an important thing to us. My husband, the man of very few words, said to me "not to sound cliche, but you do realize what we have is really special don't you?". It took me a couple of seconds to respond, but I just simply nodded my head and told him I knew.

I can across this quote on Pinterest and it explains exactly what we mean. His soul is my soul and he is more myself than I am. And there is nothing more beautiful in life! <3

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Surprise!! My Struggle With PCOS...

Surprise!! I'm back and guess what?!? I ovulated naturally! Not getting my hopes up and honestly I wasn't going to blog about it because I didn't want to get your hopes up either. 

The greatest thing about this life is having people there to support you. And let me tell you what, I have felt more love and support over the last few months then I think I have my whole life! 

I literally told Nathan that we need to go to vacation late so we can go to my 10 year high school reunion to make sure to see all the people who have stood behind me on this journey! It's simply amazing how people rally together to support other people. I love it. 

So, I'm kind of at the stage now that if it happens it happens. I'm not getting any testing done. I mean honestly, who can afford $1600 a month to TRY and get pregnant?? It's just crazy! 

I feel a weight off of my shoulders right now and it's amazing! (I mean I still am taking ovulation tests daily. You can't take all my control away). I feel like Nathan and I have our fun relationship back. We laugh, we joke. There are no more schedules. If I have a headache, I have a headache! 

I didn't realize how long 20 months is. Having a baby is still something that is super super important to us. But I also thing that everyone needs a rest and refuel period of time in their life. That is what were doing right now. So if I get pregnant naturally, yay! If I don't, we'll just keep trying!! 

It truly means so much to me that you are all along for the ride with us! This would be a pretty lonely journey without everyone! 

Sunday, June 22, 2014

My best friend! A blog NOT about infertility!

I was looking on Pinterest (because sleep is not something I do anymore) and came across a picture that was of two of the ladies in Sex and the City. I never watched the show so I don't know what their names are, but it was one friend looking at the other saying; "I had a thought today. What if I never met you?". 

This stopped me in my tracks. You see, I have this friend, who is my very very best friend. I met her in January of 2011 and we became fast friends. I don't know when it happened for sure, but sometime over the course of the months she became my soul sister. She is my best friend, my other half, my sister. Her name is Erin and she is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I don't even want to imagine my life had I never met her. 

We worked together for about a year before I left the department and then she ended up leaving the company a few months later. I thought at this point our relationship would suffer, but it never has. We just continue to grow stronger and stronger. 

One of the thing that I love most about our friendship is that her and my husband are also very close friends. It means everything to me. She actually knew my husband before she knew me. He helped train her too! ;)

Since knowing Erin there have been quite a few things that have happened in my life. From getting engaged to get married to losing my Grandma and all the good and bad in between. She has been there every step of the way. 

I have never known a friendship like mine and Erin's. I have never loved someone (besides my husband) so much that I would lay down my life for them. That is the love that I have for her. 

I know no matter what life throws at us or where life takes either of us, we will always be together. My heart is her heart and my soul is her soul. 

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Childless on Father's Day My Struggle With PCOS

I write this blog with mixed feelings. Simply because my husband is not a feeling sharer. I honestly don't know what he is thinking about today, or if he even thinks about it. But that is kind of the point of my blog. We sometimes forget that the men can be just as much as affected by this whole infertility thing. 

First, my husband loves me more than I deserve to be loved on most days. This also makes him want to protect me. He hates seeing me go through this month after month, day after day. But in reality, he is going through the same thing. Every failed ovulation is another reminder he won't be a Dad soon. Every failed pregnancy test reminds him he won't be a Dad anytime soon. Do we ever stop and ask how they are doing during all of this? 

I just came off a week vacation with my husbands side of the family. My husband loves and adores his Dad and got to spend a lot of time with him which was great. He also has an Uncle, Griff, whom he loves and adores just as much. Nathan had always seen then both as Father figures and goes to each one for different advice in his life. 

We have a 12 year old nephew who thinks Nathan is the coolest thing since sliced bread (which he is). He knows he will have a beach partner with him. Someone to take him out boogie boarding or watch him skim board. Someone who will play games with him. He is also someone who will explain the economic down turn to a 9 year old like he is taking to a co worker. He is also the same guy who tried to help Chance 'catch the tooth fairy' by duck taping the tooth to his hand (yes, we have pay backs coming for yearssss for the stunts Nathan has pulled). Nathan is just cool, and his nephew loves that about him. They have this amazing bond that is just there and it is amazing to watch. 

We also have a 5 year old nephew who might think I'm a tad cooler then Uncle Nathan (finally, someone gets it!), but none the less he still thinks his Uncle Nathan is pretty cool! I don't know how many times I heard 'where's uncle Naffan' over the course of the week. 

At one point we were driving, just the two of us, and Nathan said that what Griff is to him, he is now to his nephews. I sat there for a moment and thought about it and realized it's the truth. 

We took the boys out one night and as we were walking a pier with them we both realized if being Aunt Amanda and Uncle Nathan is all we ever get to be in life, we are pretty dang lucky. 

We of course hope to have children of our own, but are reminded this Father's Day....

Nathan loves his nephews with everything he is. And maybe someday Chance or Braydon will be telling their wives and children all the stories of their Uncle Nathan and how he has influenced their lives. 

So to all the childless Fathers on Father's Day wanting so desperately to have a child, look around at the other kids in your life. I bet one or two of them look up to you as if you were a father! 

Friday, June 13, 2014

Wow! My Struggle With PCOS!

A friend forwarded me a blog today and I read through it and found this quote. 

I think sometimes we think that we always have to be so perfectly put together. But, in reality we don't. 

I am on our yearly family vacation having a much needed relaxing week. Unfortunately I found out on Wednesday that we are once again, not pregnant. There have been many moments where I have just wanted to break down into really really ugly cries, but have tried to hold myself together. 

Today, along came another pregnancy announcement and I just couldn't do it any more. I needed to let it all out. Then I read that quote and realized...sometimes it's okay to not be okay! 

So right now, I'm not okay. I won't let the pressure of holding myself together push me down any farther either. I have ever right to me upset, be sad, be devastaed. But I don't have the right to live in that state. 

So, my 20 minute cry fest is over. I'm going back out to the pool! :) 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Not pregnant My Struggle With PCOS

Not pregnant. That is what the pregnancy tests have said for the last 4 days and this morning it was confirmed when my little friend came back for the month. 

I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed. 

Nathan and I have decided to take a little break from all of this. I didn't want to start clomid while we were on vacation. (I somehow knew I was going to have to). We have a lot of things going on in our lives right now and the clomid really really messes me up. 

We are going to meet with a specialist in CR in September and go from there. 

Maybe this summer we will get a surprise, maybe we won't!  This has been such a huge part of our lives for the last 20 months, it's time to focus on ourselves and each other for a while! 

So, happy summer everyone! See you in the fall (unless a surprise happens....or I change my mind!) :) 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Truth My Struggle With PCOS

I think there are parts of this battle that no matter how great of a person you are, you're going to still face. 

Whenever someone announces their pregnancy or the birth of their child I am truly 100% happy for them! Having a child is an amazing miracle that many many people get to be blessed with. I would never want to take that away from someone. 

Is there jealousy? Absolutely. I think jealousy is around us all the time no matter what stage in life we are in. Right now I happen to want a child almost more then anything else. It is a natural reaction to be jealous of other people who get to have what you can't have. 

I have a friend on Facebook who had a baby today. I am so very happy for her. Her and her husband are amazing amazing people and they deserve nothing but happiness. This is her second child. She has had TWO children now in the time that we have been trying to have ONE. Ouch! That stings a little! 

When people say things like "you guys will make such great parents!", I take it as a compliment but it also stings a little. I KNOW we will make great parents! That's why we want to be parents so badly! 

So the truth is, I belive that you can be happy for people but also be green with envy for them too. And I think that it's okay! I think that jealousy is a natural feeling and especially in situations like this! 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Nervous Wreck My Struggle With PCOS

Of course I'm a nervous wreck. I'm always a nervous wreck! 

I am nervous we aren't pregnant, I am nervous we are pregnant. I am nervous about being nervous! It's all just too much! 

I got my LH surge last Tuesday. I should start my period this Wednesday. Today I woke up with some brownish-red discharge. I thought for sure I was starting my period early. But then the rest of the day nothing until later this evening. 

I started freaking out but them started reading up on it and heard it could be implantation bleeding. So of course we ran out and bout pregnancy tests. I am going to take one tomorrow morning! I am sure it is too early but I will continue to take one every day until I know either way!! 

I'm just so nervous! (And excited!!!!)

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

What hoo!! My Struggle With PCOS

I am overly excited today because for the first time ever I got a LH surge reading on my Ovulation Test! 

Obviously there are hundreds of things that could go wrong between now and fertilization, BUT, I am keeping hope alive and my fingers crossed that this is the month!! 

There has never been a more beautiful sight! 

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Too funny! My Struggle With PCOS

Nathan talked to someone who is also experiencing infertility last week and I think he got a different perspective on things then he has had before. 

While he was telling me some of the things they talked about I was watching his body language and his facial expressions. You could tell that he had so much sympathy for this guy and how he was feeling bad for his wife. I could tell that a part of him was thinking 'they have it so much worse then us'. 

After he was done telling his story, and how he told him to tell his wife to check out my blog (scored some points there), I asked him what he thought I did at all these Dr Appts I've been going to? I realized in that moment maybe I hadn't been that great of a communicator with him. 

This is not a 'dog on my husband' post by any means, it just goes to show the point that SO many people have no idea what people suffering from infertity go through every day! Even someone who is experiencing it right along with you! 

Nathan is super busy at work, so I have tried not to bother him with any of this. One of my top strengths is responsibility and I tend to shoulder everything, regardless if it is my responsibility or not. I have viewed this whole situation as my responsibility, so I shoulder all the weight of it. He just gets to deal with the fun stuff at home! (And boy oh boy has it been FUN!) It was an eye opening conversation though! 

It was a little like this: 

You know how I don't take a lunch on Thursdays and leave work an hour early? Yeah, I'm just not hanging out! I have to go have blood drawn! Some times it get right in, other times I sit there and wait! My arms are swollen, bruised and if people didn't know me, they might think they are track marks. 

You know when I have to go to the Dr sometimes 3 times in one week? Yeah...well, I too am VERY farmiliar with Mr . Wandman! He could at least ask me out for coffee before he violates me in that way! (Only other infertility friends will get that joke!) Let's just say I never thought I would have my feet in stirrups more than I have in the last couple of months! 

You know how I call you so frustrated I could just scream? Yeah, that's because they keep telling me 'they don't know why' I'm not ovulating! "It just doesn't make sense!"

None of it is fun, and I am sure for a man, who wants to cherish and protect their wife, it is really not fun. Maybe I have sheltered Nathan from the worst of it all for a reason! I know that Nathan is my lifeline through this. It seems that whenever I am having a really rough day he is there to pick me up. He is always so positive and so encouraging. I am thankful he hasn't had to experience the worst of it all. I don't want him to have the jaded outlook I do. But it's also a lesson that I should have been more open about it to him. No one really wants to hear from someone else how bad their loved one could be hurting. 

I think it all goes back to the #1 most important thing I have learned! Communicate, communicate, communicate! It's the only way you can experience something like this and still make it work! 

Friday, May 30, 2014

My apologies! My Struggle With PCOS

I need to apologize! I started this blog to have fun! I wanted to get my feelings off my chest and make people laugh while I did it. My life is pretty comedic and I am an open book, so why not right? 

Unfortunately, things changed a little bit and I saw myself getting more and more negative and complaining more and more. I found myself reading blog after blog to get validation on how shitty I felt. 

So, I've taken a step back this week to really take some time to clear my head. Infertility can slowly creep in and one day you wake up and realize it consumes your whole life. I woke up thinking about it, went to bed thinking about it and thought about it all the times in between. 

It's rough. It's not fun, and last week I was in a really bad place. 

Here are some updates: 

1.  Clomid hates me. I can't sleep, can't stop sweating and can't stop getting the worse Charlie Horses known to man. Last week between Tuesday-Friday, I slept a total of 3.5 hours. I just can't sleep. It is the worst insomnia I have ever had in my life. Add a pretty rough week at work on top of that and life was anything but pretty. (I'm surprised my husband is still alive and has all of his man parts. It was bad. Like...really bad!)

2. My emotions are CRAZY! Seriously! I am all over the place! Pissed off (better then pissed on my Mom said), bitter, sad, anxious, nervous! Everything all rolled in to one. If someone looked at me the wrong way I was all over them. (I'm surprised my husband didn't divorce me last week! It was bad. Like...really bad!) :) 

3. I'm about at the end of my rope. (So I'm gonna tie a knot and hold on!). Even with the clomid, I am not ovulating. The Dr says that I am, but she is also not doing any monitoring, so who even knows. I put her on notice this month! Told her if she didn't give me more concrete information, I was going somewhere else! (Told you last week was bad!) I am probably going to be going some where else anyways, if there is no pregnancy this month, next month we will be doing the artifical insemination anyways, so I will need to go to a fertility specialist. I maybe should have started there anyways. 

4. People are insensitive. I've been pretty open about my problems to everyone, never in a million years thinking people would use it as fuel against me! This last couple of weeks I have heard it all. "Being on fertility drugs is no excuse to be a bitch!" (Touché!) "I'm making life more stressful for my husband and I!" (Yup, that was my plan) "You'll never be able to give Nathan the happiness he deserves" (can't type what I wanted to say to THAT person!) "You're taking the fact you can't get pregnant and I can out on me!" (No, I'm taking the fact that I haven't slept in 3 days and the fact that you are insensitive out on you!)

5. I have a choice. I can be bitter and run down and frustrated and alienate myself from everyone in my life, OR, I can put my big girl panties on and deal with it! (And as I was reminded today, girls in big girl panties don't cry!) I am choosing to put on my big girl panties! No one said this was going to be easy. I certainly know that life is not all roses and sunshines so why did I think this would be! You get disappointed in life by setting unrealistic expectations! I can no longer be nieve about the situation. Changing my way of thinking will change a lot I believe! 

People can suck and life can suck, but allowing yourself to suck is not the way to live life! Sitting on the couch all weekend, refusing to do anything, and watching your husband so 15 loads of laundry because you haven't done jack crap in a month is no way to live life! (Welllll...I mean...I COULD live life that way! But I shouldn't!) Treating the people closest to you and spreading your own bitterness is no way to live life! 

Tomorrow is a new day! It will be better (wellll, maybe not! I work 7:30-5, so maybe I should start my new outlook on Sunday!) But seriously, I have a great life! I just have to remember that! 

I will be better! I promise! 

Monday, May 26, 2014

People ask... My Struggle With PCOS

People often ask 'how are you doing?'. I know that it comes from the heart and I truly appreciate people's concern. It is just so hard to explain. 

How am I doing? Well, that is a loaded question. I feel as though I am going through the motions every day, but I'm not really there. 

There are some people who just get it. And that is wonderful. They know that this sucks. It's the hardest battle I have ever fought. It's not like I have cancer or some other illness that people can see. It is a silent illness and it is kind of taboo to talk about. These people are the ones who simply say 'I'm thinking about you' or 'I'm praying for you!'. They know I can't relax, I will always keep trying and no, things don't always happen when they're supposed to. 

Then there are the people who don't get it at all, and no fault of their own. These are the people who don't see what the big deal is. They think I'm adding extra stress onto an already pretty stressful life. They're the ones that can't see the sings of an illness, so they think it's made up. They don't understand that between Tuesday and Friday of last week I slept roughly 3.5 hours. They don't understand that I still had to get up every day, plaster a smile on and face the day. They're the ones that say I am 'on edge' or my favorite 'look like shit!'. I know I do, but the most I had in me that morning was to throw clothes on. That is it. 

I wish talking about infertility wasnt taboo. I wish it was easy to tell people what is going on and how I feel. But it's a pretty touchy subject and a lot of the problems are pretty personal. Just know, when you ask me how I'm doing and I reply "I'm fine!", there is a lot more to that answer! 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Cool(??) Kids My Struggle With PCOS

I often times think about what our children are going to look like and how they are going to act. Nathan and I are complete opposites, so I always wonder if they will be just like one of us or a mix between the two of us? (In my humble opinion, I think a mix between the two of us would be the perfect person! Nathan has it all, he could just use a little more aggression! I have too much aggression, so it would even it all put!)

Nathan looks exactly like his Dad and I look exactly like my Mom. I wonder if our genes are so strong that one would be more dominant?? (Mine of course!)

One thing I know for sure is they will probably have glasses! We are both as blind as a bat, so it just makes sense that our kids will be too! I am sure they will be little nerds, which I am okay with! (Yes dear, you can sit inside and read your 1000 page book today! Actually, please do! Let me know when you're finished and we will start another!) I will always support my kids in being a nerd! I am one and Nathan is one too! (I mean the dude has a a full set of Ghostbusters figurines on his desk at work! With a light up firehouse. Total nerd!)

This will be our daughter: 
Glasses wearing, book reading, take charge kind of gal! 

This will be our son:
Glasses wearing, deep thinking, suit wearing guy! 

At the end of the day, no matter how our children turn out, they will be ours and that is all that matters! (I truly hope they are nerds though!)

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

My Dog Ate My Clomid Pills My Struggle With PCOS

What? Yeah, that's right! Jack ate my clomid pills. Wrapper and all. 

I thought I heard him jumping up against the counter but I didn't think anything of it. 

Then all I found that was left was the Baggie they came in. 

Neat Jack! Thank you so much! :)

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Great Read My Struggle With PCOS

This is probably the best article I have read about husbands and infertility. I think for a husband, it has to be so very hard to see what your wife is going through day in and day out. It is a husbands natural reaction to want to protect their wife. Unfortunately, there are some things in life you can't be protected from! 

Monday, May 19, 2014

Cheers! My Struggle With PCOS

Started Clomid again today. 

Cheers to: 
Cold sweats
Hot Flashes
Charlie horses
Mood swings (if my husband calls me b*tchy again this round, it's going down!!) 
Low patience 
Abdominal Cramping 
Creepy dreams 

Oh, and the possibility of getting pregnant! :) 

Both apply to the outside world and my husband! :) 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Worry-Wart My Struggle With PCOS

There are a lot of 'hard parts' about this whole process, but the hardest part is probably the anxiety of it all. 

I have struggled with anxiety for as far back as I can remember. When my Mom would leave the house I would hold onto her leg trying to convience her to stay. I somehow in my own mind had convinced myself that every time my Mom left the house, she would die. I have never slept well at night, with a fear that someone is going to break in and attack me. I've always had a hard time getting on roller coasters. Not for the fear of the loops or turns, but of the rise to the top. In my mind I would always see the thing losing grip and sailing backwards. Don't even get me started on my fear of planes. My newst paranoi is that my husband is going to pass away, my house is going to be a mess, and my husband will never forgive me for not picking up my clothes from the bathroom floor (it doesn't stop me from leaving them there though!)

Crazy right? It is all so unnatural, but it's the thoughts that live in my mind...all the time. I constantly worry about events that most likely will never happen. 

For the better part of 20 years I have been on medication for it. At times, in my mind, I get better, so I stop taking it. I eventually have to start taking it again after a panic attack or two come and go. It's not something I'm ashamed of per se, just not something I'm proud of. No one wants to be that crazy girl hovering in the corner because she thinks someone is going to break into her house. The older I've gotten, and the more that has happened in life, the worse it's gotten. If I wrote down everything that I worry about every day, I could fill page after page after page. It's endless. 

When the conversation of infertility started coming up, my Dr suggested that I go off my medicine if trying to conceive. I am literally willing to do almost anything to get pregnant, so I agreed. Probably the worst decision I've ever made. 

After an in-flight panic attack (which I'm surprised did not get me banned from flying for life), a mid-meal panic attack at a restraunt (I thought everyone was staring at how much the 'fat girl' was eating) and multiple every day little attacks, I have decided that I need the medicine to help me live a normal life. 

I called my other Dr (or as I like to refer to her 'my crazy dr') and asked her about my medicine and infertility. She said the medicine I am on is safe for women who are pregnant and breast feeding so she didn't think it would have any bearing on infertility. She told me she would do some research and get back to me. She left me a message yesterday telling me that after doing some research she did not find any reason for it to have bearing on my ability to conceive. 

So, today, I'm back to taking my medicine. 

Life is hard enough. When adding the stress of trying to conceive it can all be a bit overwhelming. I think the older I get the more I realize that I am who I am. If people judge me for having to take medicine every day to calm my anxiety, let them. There are plenty of people in my life who love me for me, anxiety and all. 

This process is stressful, it's worry some and it comes with high levels of anxiety. I stay awake at night not wanting to move so I can make sure that I get the right reading for my basal body temperature, I chug water at the same time every day to make sure I can take my ovulation tests at the same time. I worry that my counting was off and it wasn't really -5 seconds, or that my reach to the bed will disrupt my temp. Tons of thoughts floating through my mind all the time. I think we all have the right to use whatever means we have available to keep calm! 

Own who you are in life, even the crazy side. There is no one out there like you, and that's part of the beauty of this life! 

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Too hard My Struggle With PCOS

If you know me in real life, then know that I am a perfectionist. Always have been. 

My Mom reminded me today that nothing in life is perfect and that is the beauty of it all. It's okay to break down, it's getting back up that is the important part. 

So, to all those who may need it today! 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

It's gonna be May... My Struggle with PCOS

Well, I thought it was gonna be May. But no such luck! My little friend came to visit this morning so no Baby Jones for us this month. 

If I am completely honest with myself, I didn't think it would be May. I didn't see any of the signs of ovulation and because I couldn't test it kind of threw everything off. 

I called into my Dr because I am really confused. She says if you have consistent periods then you are ovulating. But I get no readings whatsoever so there has to be something different going on. 

She said she is going to look into my blood tests and see if there are other possible things. She says we do need to get my husband in to get him tested! Gotta check out the strength of his little swimmers! Just good to rule out and/or pin point everything. 

I am pretty devastated. I don't know why, but right now I just am. I took an early lunch to come home and wallow in my own self pity for an hour. That's all I'm going to give myself. Then I'll put my big girl panties back on and deal with it! (My Gramps would be so proud).

I called Nathan, crying of course, he said 'Well, we'll try again next month'! Yup! That's exactly what we'll do! 

For other blogger friends: 

I used to have a 35 day cycle. Like clock work. The clomid pushed me back to a 28 day cycle. Did anyone else experience this?? 

Well, my hour is almost up! I need to finish my shrimp cocktail (yupp, I maybe spoiled myself a little too! Hey, I deserve it. I'm trying to make a baby here!) and get back to work! 

Monday, May 12, 2014

It takes all types... My struggle With PCOS

I have wanted to put these thoughts into words for a while, so here goes! This might be a little jumbled and doesn't have a lot to do with PCOS or infertility. Mainly just life! 

I am not a Mom, but I desire to be one. I have a lot of friends who are Mom's, I have had a lot of mother figures in my life, and then of course there is Facebook, which is filled with Mom's. 

To me, there is no perfect Mom. Each one is doing the best she can with the circumstances she has been given. Unfortunately, it seems like there are people out there who do think they are the perfect Mom and want everyone to know they are the perfect Mom. The competition scares me. 

I want to be a Mom...desperately. But, I love my job. I love having a career. I will probably only stay home for 6 weeks and then go right back to working 9-10 hour days. It's in my blood. It is what drives me. It is what makes me feel whole. Will that make me any less of a Mom? Gosh, I hope not! Just as I don't feel women who choose to be stay at home Mom's are any less of a Mom. We are all wired differently. Different things make different people happy and content. 

I look back at my life growing up and it reminds me of the two different 'Mom's' I had. There was my Mom and then there was my Grandma (Nannie). 

My Mom was a single parent who worked full time to raise her two children. Part of our lives we lived with my Grandparents and the rest, we lived right next door. There was literally a side walk that connected the two houses. My Mom loved(s) being a Mom. She was PTA president, coached some sports for us, car pooled for my friends. But she also loved her job. That was okay. 

My mom was a very independent person. She didn't need a man for anything. (Which drove my Grandpa nuts). She got power tools for Christmas and built the deck on the back of our house by hand. She did it all. Cooked, cleaned, worked and raised us. She was super mom! 

Then there was my Grandma! Now that women...wow! She was truly the matriarch of our family. She was a stay at home Mom turned stay at home Grandma. She would feed us breakfast in the morning and get us ready for school because my Mom was already at work. She would give baths, read us books and tuck us in to bed because my Mom would go back to work. After my grandpa retired, she would have a full meal on the table at 5:30 every night for anyone who wanted to eat! There were usually quite a few people. She would have clothes washes, dryed and folded the day after you wore them. There was no dust in her house! 

She would go on walks with us, play catch, help teach us to ride bikes. She would go on rides with is at Adventureland. She did it all. Every little thing she did in life was to benefit her family and the people around her. 

The crazy thing is, growing up I didn't have a lot of respect for my grandma. I mean, I loved her more than anything in the world but I always thought how much more I wanted out of life then what she had. I wanted a job, an identity. I wanted to pump my own gas and know how to write my own checks. I didn't want to get an allowance from my husband. I wanted to be like my Mom. I wanted it all. 

The older I got, the more I realized that my Grandma being the way that she was didn't make her any less of a person than my Mom. She was just different. My Grandma sacrificed so much to put her family first because that is what made her happy, that is what filled her bucket. 

So, what I'm saying is, no matter what type of Mom I am, or you are, you just have to be the best that you can be. Do what makes you happy. Be the type that fills your bucket! At the end of the day, no one is any better then the other. Everyone is fighting the same battle! 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Day My Struggle With PCOS

To a the women out there. Some are mother's on earth, some are mothers in their heart and some spend their days praying to be a mother. We love you all! 

Happy Mother's Day! 💕

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Might as well say it.... My Struggle With PCOS

I always said I would be an open book and now that there is a topic that I feel I should touch on, it scares me. I'm scared of being judged or looked down upon. I'm scared that people will think WE think we're too good. That we will never really know the suffering. That's not it at all. It's just simply our opinion. 

Nathan and I have no desire to adopt. 

There, I said it. 

Lately, as this struggle has continued (which it's only been like 6 weeks. It just seems like forever), people have started to mention and ask about adoption or fostering. 

I want to go on record to say that I think these things are amazing. I think the people who adopt and the people who foster children throughout their life are simply amazing. I commend them for it. 

Unfortunately, it is not in the cards for us. At this point we don't even know if we want to do IVF. I am sure of the time comes, we would explore that route. Just right now, it's not on our radar.  

This isn't something that we want to consume our lives. (Then why do you blog about it? Well, because I feel a lot of people do let it consume their life. And if my perspective and my feelings on this can help them, then I am content) Were going to give it the ol' college try and if it isn't in the cards for us to have kids, then it's not in the cards. 

You could say that we are selfish people. We are. We both know it and we accept it. Infertility and adoption are expensive. People work multiple jobs, take out loans, spend their entire life savings to have children. We don't want to do that. 

People always say that you can never wait until you are ready to have kids because you are never ready. I agree with that. Nathan and I will have to change our lives drastically when we have children. Neither one of us will be the center of attention anymore. We just both agree that you can be finically stable before bringing a child into the world. 

We live a certain lifestyle and we want that lifestyle for our children. If we used all of our savings and took out loans to have a child and then could not provide for it...I just couldn't do it. 

Fortunately, we are blessed to have amazing nephews and an amazing niece that we get to love on and spend time with and spoil. Our friends have children that we love as if they were our own. We get it, we will/would make great parents. We just don't want to uproot our entire lives to TRY and chase that dream. 

I absolutely want to be a mother. More than anything in the world. I just don't feel that I need it in my life to have a successful life. Some might not understand why we have put conditions on it, or where we are coming from and I get that. We won't judge your journey, so please don't judge ours. 

I will leave you with a lyric from my Mom and Dad's favorite song!

"...you don't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need."

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Wow!! My Struggle with PCOS

I got a very interesting e-mail yesterday and it has taken me a while to figure out how to respond. 

Blogger writes: 

"My biggest fear through all of this is that my husband will leave me. I don't think he will leave me as in divorce me, but he will leave me as in find another relationship to provide him all the things I can't. Does this worry you? Do you talk to your husband about these kind of worries? Please help me, I am lost in all of this." 

Wow. I knew I wanted to help people, but just wow. 

1. I am lost in all of this too. I just happen to be a very confident person, that at times it doesn't show how truly broken I am. It's okay. You can be broken. We just have to figure out how to put the pieces back together. 

2. I fear(ed) my husband would leave me too. It absolutely worried me. It's natural. As humans and especially as women, we often don't feel that we are good enough and/or can meet the expectations put out in front of us. We are women. We are supposed to bear children and be Mom's. If we can't do that, we are automatically not good enough. To me, that's bullshit. No women need to bear children or be a Mom to be good enough. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am me, and that is good enough! 

3. Your fear of how your husband would leave you kind of worries me. Communication through this whole process is huge. I talk to my husband about everything. He is my absolute best friend. He hears the good, the bad and the ugly. I have no finesse, like none at all. I am blunt and to the point. I say how I feel with no regards to other people's feelings. I speak and then apologize later. Talking comes easy to be, sharing my feelings comes easy. Sometimes this can cause much pain and hurt in our relationship, but we talk through that as well! 

4. I think my fear of my husband leaving me came from him not wanting this as much as me. That is why it is so very important that you communicate each and every detail with your husband so he knows where you are coming from and you know where he is coming from. My husband doesn't not want this, but I am his wife first, and to him that is the most important thing. My health and my happiness is all that matters to him. So seeing me unhappy or devastated month after month isn't really worth it to him. He would rather see me happy all the time. We just had to calibrate on why we each felt the way that we felt. I have an obsessive personaility, so I instantly became obsessed without even letting the feelings or information settle over me. It takes my husband a whole to process things. I have to be okay with giving him the room to think through these things. 

It will never be perfect. I can't sit here and tell you it will. Just the other night I was crying so terribly bad I made myself sick multiple times. My husband told me to "knock it off and stop crying", rolled over and went back to sleep. I gave him the silent treatment the next day and that night we sat down and talked about it. I could have let my mind go places that it didn't need to go, but I chose not to. 

I have fought a lot of battles in my life, but this is the hardest one. It is also the easiest because I know that my husband is standing beside me every step of the way! Let yours be what holds you up! You can't fight this alone! 

If you need to talk, send me more emails! It might be easier if you include your name! Add me on Facebook! We can fight this together! 

Monday, May 5, 2014

"You're life is easy!" My Struggle With PCOS

I am still pissed at myself today, so I am writing a negative blog. I'm sorry. It's only negative I guess to the people that think this way, others might relate. 

So, I was told by someone who has three children that my life is "so easy" and I shouldn't complain. I have no idea what a hard life is, since I don't have children of course!  Well, okay. Thank you for that in depth look into my life, glad you can leave your comment. 

They are right. Those people that have children. I get it. I don't have kids to take care of. So by default, my life is easy. Makes total sense. I just never put two and two together that having children defined the difficulty of your life. 

Let's look at things from a different  perspective. 

While you are cursing (not literally, I hope) your children in the morning to get out the door, I am taking by basal body temperature to check ovulation, then pissing on a stick and wishing 3 God forsaken minutes to see if I am ovulating or not, all while trying to rush myself out the door. 

While you wake up in the middle of the night to a screaming hungry baby,  I wake up in the middle of the night with hot flashes that are so riduclious I literally have to change my sheets. Oh, and bone deep pain cramps. Like Charlie horses, all over my body. Some nights I am so hot, I can't get back to sleep unless I take a freezing cold shower to cool me down. 

While you're running kids to this soccer game or that dance class, I am making Dr appts, charting my temp, my mucus level, my sex life. Every intimate detail. You know, all the things you really want to put down on paper! 

While you're writing checks for daycare and diapers, I am wondering how in the hell am I going to pay for another 6 weeks of lab tests at $70 a pop. Or how many more $406 ultra sounds I will have to have. Oh, let's not forget the 10 calls to the insurance company to fix the bills they've already sent! 

Then at night, when you lay your head down to sleep, I will be laying my head down as well. But I will not be worried about any of the above things. I will be praying to God, pleading with him, to allow me the one thing I want more than anything else (besides my husband. He did me a solid with this guy!) in this world! 

Our lives are different, but neither is easy. I understand you just have to 'look at someone' and get pregnant (I mean...really? Who even says that!?), and you now have 3 beautiful children because of that. You are truly blessed. Honestly, I would trade places with you in a heart beat. 

Unfortunately, that's not the cards in life I was dealt, so all I can do is play the game the best I can! (I'm using a card game reference because I am teaching myself how to count cards. I want to be a blackjack millionaire, like Ben Affleck! Okay, maybe not to that extreme, but, I really am teaching myself! It's not illegal!)

Remember tonight (or probably tomorrow, I hope your kids are in bed already) when you kiss your kids goodnight, not everyone is as blessed as you! You're life may be hard, but there are thousands of women who would sacrifice a lot to walk in your shoes! 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Not the brightest crayon in the box! My Struggle With PCOS

I am so very disappointed in myself. I thought that I was doing the easy thing, but instead I did the stupid thing! 

Instead of lugging my ovulation tester and strips out to Montana, I just had my Mom buy me one for out there. It all sounded great. I didn't want it to break in my luggage or have anything else go wrong with it. 

So I took my tests while I was at my Mom's with no ovulation. I got back tonight and put a new stick into my old tester and it flashed as if it were a new cycle. I read the instructions and it said if you don't test for 3 days, it will assume you are starting a new cycle. Duh. 

Per my fertility friend app calculator, I should ovulate tomorrow or Tuesday. It most likely does not give the test enough time to read my cycle to tell me it I am ovulating or not. 

I have been crying like a baby because I am so upset and so hormonal. The 100mg of clomid was terrible on my system. I really wanted this month to be the month. 

Nathan says not to freak out. We will just continue on with our schedule and pray that it works. I know I shouldn't get so upset and be so negative, but I'm pissed. 

I guess all we can do is hope and pray that the 100 mg made me ovulate and by following our schedule, we will end up pregnant! 

I just can't help put feel like we are going into this battle blind and it takes my control away...

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Why.... My Struggle With PCOS

As I watched them wheel my Mom away for surgery, it made me realize the why behind all of this. 

I want to be a Mom like my Mom. 

We absolutely had our struggles just like most families do, but when it all is said and done my Mom is an amazing Mother.  

My childhood was so very magicial and it had nothing to do with money. My Mom just made it that way by all the adventures that she would take us on. 

We would make pumpkin cookies at Halloween and get to decorate whatever faces we wanted. This translated into my Mom sending me pumpkins and different facial features when I went to college so I could make my own pumpkins. She transformed the house into a winter wonderland for Christmas every year. She would pack picnics so amazing that no ones could compare. She allowed our house to be the hang out for all of our friends for years and years. She let us cut up confetti to throw all over the house at midnight on New Years Eve and then send us to bed and she would clean it all up. This also translated into sending me cards upon cards in college with cut up confetti inside. She would have us dress up the night of the oscars and make predictions of who would win. She laid in bed with us and read book after book until we fell asleep. 

She allowed us to be ourselves. She let me collect rocks no matter how nerdy it was. She let me sit inside even on the most beautiful days to read book after book. She gifted me with a flash light, when though she knew it meant that I would stay awake reading well past my bedtime. She made extra keys all the time so I was never truly locked out of my house or my car. She always had a gas can to being me has when I ran out. My most treasured possession is a card she sent me about a month into college telling me all the people who 'missed me.' This included the Newton PD for their loss revenue in speeding tickets, the light compnay because her bill was so much cheaper, Rick and Dick at the auto place because my car wasn't breaking down anymore. It went on and on and it made me realize that through all of my faults, my Mom loves me unconditionally. 

She is my best friend. There is no one that will push me harder or further then my Mom. She will always be most honest with me but in a way that makes me want to be better. She listens, she gives advice, and she stays out of it when she needs to. 

Everything that I am today is because of my Mother. And I pray every single day that when I am blessed with children, I am as wonderful as a mother as she has always been. 

Monday, April 28, 2014

Fertility App My Struggle With PCOS

I had some people ask me which app I was using, so I thought I would share. I am currently using Fertility Friend. I started out using this app and thought it was too complex so I went to a different app and then I realized I missed everything that this app gave me, so I am back! 

The things I like about this App include: 

Syncing with my iPhone
Range of data inserted
Charts made for me 
Community it gives 

I keep pretty detailed data. Everyone can with it what they choose! It's just a great app and I think everyone should give it a shot! 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Stirrup Queen's List of Blogs

Hey everyone! 

I found a great site that has a ton of blogs for all different stages of infertility! 

This blogger is super awesome! She has everything categorized and you can do individual searches! 

Pretty much it's the mother load of blogs! 

Check it ou! 


The struggle is real.... My Struggle With PCOS

There are quite a few nifty little apps out that that let you chart whatever you want on this road of infertility. You can chart your periods, your intercourse, your moods, your discharge consistencies. Anything and everything. You can also chart your basal body temperature. 

This is taking your temperature when your body is completely still. You are supposed to do it at the same time every day and it should be in the morning before you do anything else.

Sounds pretty easy right? Just have your thermometer next to your bed and your phone is always right with you. Super easy! 

Unless you're me! 

You see, I work at 6:30am Mon-Friday excluding Tuesdays I work at 11:30. If I work a Saturday is it at 7:30.  Many would say, "but don't you wake up at the same time every day Amanda"? My answer would be HELL NO! 

I am NOT a morning person. At all. My work is 4 miles away from my house. If I leave prior to 6:23 I will not hit any red lights and I will pull into the parking lot at 6:29 and make it up the stairs and onto the floor at exactly 6:30 to catch the first call in. 

That means that my alarm is set for 6:05. I then re-set it for 6:11. At 6:13 I jump out of bed, change my clothes, brush my teeth, brush my hair, then look for my glasses for a good 2-3 minutes, and THEN I run out the door. Most of the time the brush comes with me, so I can throw it half up in a clip around 8am when other people get to the office!(Remember in a previous post how I said I forget my lunch every day. That is why!) I usually am running out the door at 6:20. Then I realize I don't have my badge and/or my keys and have to run back inside. (Some days I realize I don't have any shoes on! This happened once last week!) 

So, I hit the road at around 6:23. It's a shitty morning routine and by the time I get to work I am sweating and completely out of breath. I keep deodorant in my desk at work and apply it when I sit down in my seat. This is usually the time when I realize I have on two different socks or red pants with a pink coat! (I've also said before I'm a hot mess. Which I am!) 

On days that I work late I sleep until around 10. My routine isn't as difficult, but sometimes I will hit the snooze and go back to sleep until 11! Oops! On weekends, who knows what time I get out of bed. Your guess is as good as mine. I love to sleep! I always have. One time in high school I told my mom I was tired on a Friday night around 4. I went to sleep and woke up at 7. I went downstairs and told her I was glad I got that nap in, I felt better. She looked at me like I was crazy. It was Sunday, at 7pm. I had slept for 51 hours. That's just me! I loveeeeee to sleep! 

So, taking my body temperature has proven to be a bit of a challenge. Everyone that we have talked to has said that this is pretty important. Along with the ovulation lots you can really get a feel for your body by taking your temperature! So, Nathan says he is going to start waking me up before he leaves for work in the morning (mind you we both have to be at work at the same time and he wakes up 1.5 hours before me)! And he says on Tuesdays we can set the alarm to just take the temp and then go back to sleep. Lord help us both! 

We'll see how this works out. Tomorrow will be our first test! This might get ugly. I'm not nice in the mornings! :) 

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Stupidity!! My Struggle With PCOS

So last night we had a friend in town. We all went out. I haven't drank in a very very long time. Like 8 months, I never drink! I have always been on thyroid medicine that did not interact well with alcohol. Now, they changed my medicine, so I can technically drink again. 

I was not planning on drinking. Why would I? I never drink! But, before we went out, I told Nathan that no matter what, I had to remember to take my Clomid. (I have to take it at night because I get so incredibly dizzy, I can't stand up. It makes me whole body cramp up and I just have to lay in bed in pain until it wears off and I can go to sleep. It also makes me throw up a time or two a night! So, I take it right before bed and deal with the symptoms as they come). Nathan said he would remind me, he wouldn't forget! 

Well, I had 3 drinks and 2 shots and I felt like I had been drinking for dayssssss. I guess I know the meaning of being a light weight now! 

I remember (vaguely) getting home and Nathan yelling at me to take my CLO-MAD because it makes me MAADDDD! Haha. When I woke up this morning I panicked and thought it was all a dream. Who really runs through their house screaming TAKE YOUR CLOMAAAADDD! Well, my husband apparently! I counted my pills and I did infact remember to take my CloMID last night! 

How stupid would I have been to forget to take it because I drank for the first time in 8 months! Duh! 

Friday, April 25, 2014

Let's talk about S*X baby... My Struggle With PCOS

Okay, to start off, if you know my husband and I personally, you may not want to read this blog. It is written more for the other couples struggling with this journey right along with us

Yes, it is a little personal, but it is a fact that to get pregnant, you must have sex. Unfortunately, when you are TRYING to get pregnant, it can become the very last thing you want to do. 

There is nothing sexy about scheduled sex. There is nothing romantic about shoving a couple of pillows under your ass and laying like that for 30 minutes afterwards. There is nothing fun about having a splitting headache, but knowing that to get the thing you want more than anything in the world, you must follow your schedule! And it defiently isn't fun when you want to, but is hasn't been 48 hours, and your afraid to mess up the  count. Did I mention there is nothing sexy about scheduled sex? 

People will tell you to 'just relax' or 'quit trying so hard' or 'just have fun'. And if you are like us, you have tried all of those things. Unfortunately, relaxing isn't easy and the fun went out the window a while ago. 

You can have as healthy of a sex life as you want and some way, some how, infertility will disrupt that. Maybe not for long, maybe not that often, but at some point you will think 'can't we just get this over with?' That is perfectly okay. It's honest and it's true.

Some will obsess about it (like me), and your husbands will have to remind you that they are not just a donation bank. Which they aren't! They are your husbands. They are your best friend, your partner, your lover. Not some piece of meat to be used and abused! 

If you need to, read all the articles you want. Find out the best time of day, the best position, any tricks other women have used. Read it all. Lord knows I have. It might help you and it might not. 

At the end of the day, the thing that will get you through all of this is the bond you share with your husband. So add the fun back in, make sure to romance each other and throw your schedule out the window! (No, no don't do that! You do need that!) But, do what is the most cliche thing to say, and relax! No, laying in bed with a couple of pillows shoved under your ass and your legs in the air is not fun. It's not sexy and it's not romantic. But I have laughed harder and had more deep, intellectual talks with my husband in those 30 minutes than I have any other time in our relationship and to me, that is fun, it is sexy and it is defiantly romantic! 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Some Days... My Struggle With PCOS

Some days are harder than others. Some days I take this all in stride, some days I don't. Some days I want to strangle people, some days I practically do. Some days I'm really mean to my husband, some days I ignore him completely. Some days I am so lost in my own thoughts, I forget to respond when people talk to me. 

There are no words to explain how this fight feels every day. Every day for the last 18 months I have had to make a conscious decision to get out of bed and start the day. I have to make the decision of how this day is going to unfold. Some days I just don't have it in me to move. 

Wanting a child is something that I have dreamed about since my second date with Nathan. He told me that night that our children would grow to be Republicans and not Democrats. It was the moment I knew that we were going to have so much fun raising children. Before I met Nathan, having children was not on my radar at all. After meeting Nathan, it's all I've dreamed of. 

Some days I start crying for no reason at all. Some days I get these flashes of anger that make me so mad I almost can't contain it. Some days I have nothing in me by the end of the day that I just pass out. Some days all I can do is lie awake and run different scenarios through my head. Some days I read an entire book to escape my own reality. 

Every day is a 'some day'. Some are just better than others. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Financial Planning My Struggle With PCOS

Remember how in my original post I said we can't afford to be infertile. Well, we can't afford to be infertile! 

Bills have started to come in. Yikes! Some of them I am fighting! I am not getting my blood checked weekly because of my PCOS. I am getting my blood checked weekly because I have pre-diabetes and hypothyroidism. Insurance should pay for that. Also, insurance should pay for my original visit. It was just a Dr's appt and they did the ultrasound to see what was going on, not because I was infertile. And technically, we do not know that I am infertile! I could get pregnant this month! 

Long story short, insurance should be covering some of this and I am fighting it until they do. 

It also doesn't help that I had an ER visit. That was a little expensive! Oops! 

So, I've been saying that I was going to get a 2nd job fo a while now and I think the time has come. Unfortunately to get a 2nd job I need to get a new SS card since my still says Amanda McQuin. I really do NOT have the patience to sit in the SS office. Yuck! Guess I will just have to bite the bullet. 

Now I make the decision if I want to go back to serving, where I can make quick cash in short hours (hopefully), or, if I should go somewhere where I know the hourly rate for sure and can plan around how many hours I will need to work!

Stay tuned! Then you can come visit me and help with the Nathan and Amanda baby fund! :) 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Life choices My Struggle with PCOS

My Mom found out today that the main artery coming from her heart to her leg is blocked. Next Thursday she is having a stint put in. I will be flying to Montana Wednesday night and coming back Sunday morning. 

I'm supposed to ovulate Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Just our luck! 

When I called my husband to tell him about my Mom he told me to do whatever I needed to do. That of course meant buying an overly expensive plane ticket on short notice and choosing to take two days unpaid at work to continue to save my PTO for potential Baby Jones. 

When I told him about the ovulation, he thought I was going to ask him if I could take his 'little men' with me. That he said he was not okay with. After I laughed for about 10 minutes, I said that was NOT what I was going to ask him. 

What my question was; do we take the clomid this round and hope we don't ovulate while I am gone? Or do we skip this round? We both think there is knowledge in knowing if the 100mg makes me ovulate, so we will be moving forward with this round of clomid. 

We just pray that I don't ovulate until at least Sunday! Fingers crossed!! 

FYI: It was never a question if I would go or not. I have one Mom! One parent left in this world. We can try for a baby many many months to come, but I can never replace these moments with my Mom!