Sunday, June 22, 2014

My best friend! A blog NOT about infertility!

I was looking on Pinterest (because sleep is not something I do anymore) and came across a picture that was of two of the ladies in Sex and the City. I never watched the show so I don't know what their names are, but it was one friend looking at the other saying; "I had a thought today. What if I never met you?". 

This stopped me in my tracks. You see, I have this friend, who is my very very best friend. I met her in January of 2011 and we became fast friends. I don't know when it happened for sure, but sometime over the course of the months she became my soul sister. She is my best friend, my other half, my sister. Her name is Erin and she is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I don't even want to imagine my life had I never met her. 

We worked together for about a year before I left the department and then she ended up leaving the company a few months later. I thought at this point our relationship would suffer, but it never has. We just continue to grow stronger and stronger. 

One of the thing that I love most about our friendship is that her and my husband are also very close friends. It means everything to me. She actually knew my husband before she knew me. He helped train her too! ;)

Since knowing Erin there have been quite a few things that have happened in my life. From getting engaged to get married to losing my Grandma and all the good and bad in between. She has been there every step of the way. 

I have never known a friendship like mine and Erin's. I have never loved someone (besides my husband) so much that I would lay down my life for them. That is the love that I have for her. 

I know no matter what life throws at us or where life takes either of us, we will always be together. My heart is her heart and my soul is her soul. 

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Childless on Father's Day My Struggle With PCOS

I write this blog with mixed feelings. Simply because my husband is not a feeling sharer. I honestly don't know what he is thinking about today, or if he even thinks about it. But that is kind of the point of my blog. We sometimes forget that the men can be just as much as affected by this whole infertility thing. 

First, my husband loves me more than I deserve to be loved on most days. This also makes him want to protect me. He hates seeing me go through this month after month, day after day. But in reality, he is going through the same thing. Every failed ovulation is another reminder he won't be a Dad soon. Every failed pregnancy test reminds him he won't be a Dad anytime soon. Do we ever stop and ask how they are doing during all of this? 

I just came off a week vacation with my husbands side of the family. My husband loves and adores his Dad and got to spend a lot of time with him which was great. He also has an Uncle, Griff, whom he loves and adores just as much. Nathan had always seen then both as Father figures and goes to each one for different advice in his life. 

We have a 12 year old nephew who thinks Nathan is the coolest thing since sliced bread (which he is). He knows he will have a beach partner with him. Someone to take him out boogie boarding or watch him skim board. Someone who will play games with him. He is also someone who will explain the economic down turn to a 9 year old like he is taking to a co worker. He is also the same guy who tried to help Chance 'catch the tooth fairy' by duck taping the tooth to his hand (yes, we have pay backs coming for yearssss for the stunts Nathan has pulled). Nathan is just cool, and his nephew loves that about him. They have this amazing bond that is just there and it is amazing to watch. 

We also have a 5 year old nephew who might think I'm a tad cooler then Uncle Nathan (finally, someone gets it!), but none the less he still thinks his Uncle Nathan is pretty cool! I don't know how many times I heard 'where's uncle Naffan' over the course of the week. 

At one point we were driving, just the two of us, and Nathan said that what Griff is to him, he is now to his nephews. I sat there for a moment and thought about it and realized it's the truth. 

We took the boys out one night and as we were walking a pier with them we both realized if being Aunt Amanda and Uncle Nathan is all we ever get to be in life, we are pretty dang lucky. 

We of course hope to have children of our own, but are reminded this Father's Day....

Nathan loves his nephews with everything he is. And maybe someday Chance or Braydon will be telling their wives and children all the stories of their Uncle Nathan and how he has influenced their lives. 

So to all the childless Fathers on Father's Day wanting so desperately to have a child, look around at the other kids in your life. I bet one or two of them look up to you as if you were a father! 

Friday, June 13, 2014

Wow! My Struggle With PCOS!

A friend forwarded me a blog today and I read through it and found this quote. 

I think sometimes we think that we always have to be so perfectly put together. But, in reality we don't. 

I am on our yearly family vacation having a much needed relaxing week. Unfortunately I found out on Wednesday that we are once again, not pregnant. There have been many moments where I have just wanted to break down into really really ugly cries, but have tried to hold myself together. 

Today, along came another pregnancy announcement and I just couldn't do it any more. I needed to let it all out. Then I read that quote and realized...sometimes it's okay to not be okay! 

So right now, I'm not okay. I won't let the pressure of holding myself together push me down any farther either. I have ever right to me upset, be sad, be devastaed. But I don't have the right to live in that state. 

So, my 20 minute cry fest is over. I'm going back out to the pool! :) 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Not pregnant My Struggle With PCOS

Not pregnant. That is what the pregnancy tests have said for the last 4 days and this morning it was confirmed when my little friend came back for the month. 

I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed. 

Nathan and I have decided to take a little break from all of this. I didn't want to start clomid while we were on vacation. (I somehow knew I was going to have to). We have a lot of things going on in our lives right now and the clomid really really messes me up. 

We are going to meet with a specialist in CR in September and go from there. 

Maybe this summer we will get a surprise, maybe we won't!  This has been such a huge part of our lives for the last 20 months, it's time to focus on ourselves and each other for a while! 

So, happy summer everyone! See you in the fall (unless a surprise happens....or I change my mind!) :) 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Truth My Struggle With PCOS

I think there are parts of this battle that no matter how great of a person you are, you're going to still face. 

Whenever someone announces their pregnancy or the birth of their child I am truly 100% happy for them! Having a child is an amazing miracle that many many people get to be blessed with. I would never want to take that away from someone. 

Is there jealousy? Absolutely. I think jealousy is around us all the time no matter what stage in life we are in. Right now I happen to want a child almost more then anything else. It is a natural reaction to be jealous of other people who get to have what you can't have. 

I have a friend on Facebook who had a baby today. I am so very happy for her. Her and her husband are amazing amazing people and they deserve nothing but happiness. This is her second child. She has had TWO children now in the time that we have been trying to have ONE. Ouch! That stings a little! 

When people say things like "you guys will make such great parents!", I take it as a compliment but it also stings a little. I KNOW we will make great parents! That's why we want to be parents so badly! 

So the truth is, I belive that you can be happy for people but also be green with envy for them too. And I think that it's okay! I think that jealousy is a natural feeling and especially in situations like this! 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Nervous Wreck My Struggle With PCOS

Of course I'm a nervous wreck. I'm always a nervous wreck! 

I am nervous we aren't pregnant, I am nervous we are pregnant. I am nervous about being nervous! It's all just too much! 

I got my LH surge last Tuesday. I should start my period this Wednesday. Today I woke up with some brownish-red discharge. I thought for sure I was starting my period early. But then the rest of the day nothing until later this evening. 

I started freaking out but them started reading up on it and heard it could be implantation bleeding. So of course we ran out and bout pregnancy tests. I am going to take one tomorrow morning! I am sure it is too early but I will continue to take one every day until I know either way!! 

I'm just so nervous! (And excited!!!!)

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

What hoo!! My Struggle With PCOS

I am overly excited today because for the first time ever I got a LH surge reading on my Ovulation Test! 

Obviously there are hundreds of things that could go wrong between now and fertilization, BUT, I am keeping hope alive and my fingers crossed that this is the month!! 

There has never been a more beautiful sight!