Thursday, October 1, 2015

I want it all... My Struggles With PCOS

We spent this last week in Iowa celebrating my sister in laws wedding. It was a beautiful week, laced with so much love and happiness. We got to spend time with family we rarely see, meet new people and make new friends! Being in Iowa is exactly what my heart needs at times.

One of the greatest blessings in life is being Uncle Nathan and Aunt Amanda. We love our nieces and nephews to pieces. We love to spoil them, love on them, and cuddle the youngest ones! I would cuddle the older ones too, but that might be awkward! :) 

We got to feed our baby niece Bella! That was fun watching Nathan try and understand how she could eat warm applesauce like it was a meat lovers pizza! We both got to rock our baby nephew Langston to sleep at different times. We played football with Braydon and relaxed with Chance. It was all magical to us. I know that sounds odd, but being so far away from our family, we truly cherish the moments we do get. 

Unfortunately, the longing to have that all for yourself rears its ugly head. I want to feed my own baby applesauce, I want to rock my own toddler to sleep. I want to play football in my own backyard with my rambunctious 6 year old and I want a 13 year old who is seriously the coolest cat there is. I want it all. 

Last night I posted a quote my husband said. It came from a discussion at dinner. We were talking about all the places we've traveled and how we can't wait to take our kids there. Have them experience the sketchy hotel in Atlanta we stayed at, and re-walk from the White House to where Lincoln was shot. To ride around DC all day just people watching. Take them to the first restaurant we went to in New Braunfels. We were laughing so hard remembering things we had tears running down our faces. Then it hit Nathan. I saw it hit him right in the heart. 

We may never have kids. We may never get to show them all those places, or relive all the memories. He looked at me, grabbed my hand and reassured me, he's loved the life we've lived. I squeezed his hand and excused myself from the restaurant. I thought all night about wanting it all. 

Then today, I saw this picture on my Facebook today and was reminded that we may never have our own children, but we have nieces and nephews whom I know think the two of us are pretty cool. So we get to continue to be these magicial people in their lives. I don't need to want it all, when I already have it all. <3