Saturday, July 19, 2014
I am having a hard time letting the comment I received on Friday go. For someone to tell me that I am just not as lucky as them. What gives?? First off, how very hurtful is that??? And second off, I didn't think pregnancy had anything to do with luck.
I am a non-confortational person. Big time. I have a HUGE bark and NO bite at all! None! So, I just simply walked away. Because I didn't know how to respond.
If I was quick witted here is what I would say!
I may not ever be lucky enough to have a child. I may never be lucky enough to carry my own child. I may never be lucky enough to have someone call me Mom. But guess what?? I am damn lucky! You wanna know why??
I have a husband who thinks the sun rises and sets on ME! He loves me, even at times that I am not being loveable. He adores me, he spoils me, he protects me, he respects me. He is my soul mate. That alone makes me the luckiest girl in the world. But that's not all!
I have an amazing family that supports me no matter what. I was raised by an amazing, fearless women who has taught me to always chase after my goals and dreams no matter how big or small they are. She taught me to love others, through all their differences. I had an amazing set of Grandparents who were like second parents to me. They are the reason I am the person I am today. The reason I can write this blog about how damn lucky I am. Because they taught me that the richest people in the world are the people who have a family that loves them. So not only am I lucky, I am rich! I have a sister, who I am not close to, but know that no matter what happens in either of our lives we would drop everything to be there for each other. We may not get a long, but that type of love, that runs deep. I have cousins and Aunts and Uncles who all mean the world to me. My family is everything. But that's not all!
I married into this amazing family where I got a sister I have always wanted and a brother I have always wanted. I got these 2 cool nephews who think I'm pretty cool too. There is nothing better in my opinion then being Aunt Amanda. Nothing! My husband has the coolest Uncle and Aunts ever. I have experienced so many amazing things with them. And I have a mother and father in law that love and adore their son so very much. They have instilled morals and values into him and made him the man that he is today. I love them so much for that. But that's not all!
I have this amazing, small group of friends that have become my family. They each mean the world to me. Their families and their lives have become my family and my life. They make me question the saying that blood is thicker then water because they mean that much to me. But that is not all!
I have this job at this company that I love. When I say I love it, that's an understatement. I met my husband there. I met my best friends there. This place is like another family to me. People there have changed my life. Truly 100% changed my life. Because of them I am not only a better employee, but a better person. That speaks volumes for the type of company they are. But that's not all!
You see, I could go on and on with all the reasons why I am lucky. My lucky night not look like your lucky, but it doesn't change the fact that luck for me....it runs deep. I wake up every morning lucky to be alive, lucky to be married to an mazing husband, have amazing friends and family and get to go to a job each and every day that I truly love doing. Yeah...that's my lucky!
Monday, July 14, 2014
My Grandmother (Nannie) was the type of person who saw the good in everyone. She was also the type of person who always had your back no matter what. Right, wrong, or indifferent, she stood beside you. The older I have gotten I have realized you should t have too many people like this in your life, as they can become enablers, but my Nannie...it was just the way she was. Blood ran thick to her. And she stood by you no matter what.
I miss that about her. I love my husband and I love my Mom, but they are fixers. If I call them to complain, they want to fix the problems. Sometimes I just want to complain. I miss being able to pick up the phone, call my Grandma and just complain. Her commentary was the best ever. The older she got, the more she cussed. Mind you, this is the same women who made us say H-E-double hockey sticks and only allowed us to say we had to go 'pottey' or 'use the restroom'. Sometimes I would be talking about someone and she would say things like 'oh, that bitch' and I would laugh and laugh. Then she would start laughing and soon, I wouldn't even know what I was mad about anymore.
When I was really sad, I would drive down to Newton and lay in bed with her. She would play with my hair or scratch my back and it was in those moments that I knew everything was going to be okay. She would always tell me that everything in life happens for a reason. We might not know the reason, but there is one.
I would do anything to be able to pick up the phone and call her. I would tell her how it isn't fair. And how much it sucks, and how I hate all my pregnant friends (not really, but I would say it!), and how I just want to throw my phone across the room when I see another new born picture (I may or may not have done that a time or two). I would tell her how I wrote a blog about not wanting to adopt, but I want a baby so damn bad, maybe we will adopt. I will tell her how it pisses me off when Nathan tells me 'we'll try again next month' and she would agree how stupid that is. I would tell her how proud I am of him and how I wish I could act more like him. She would remind me that I'm drama to the core, and I will never be calm, cool and collected, and that's why she loves me. I would tell her how I want to punch my Mom in the face when she tells me 'it was just so easy for me to have babies, I'm sorry it's hard for you.' Not helping MOM! She would call my Mom and tell her how stupid it was. I would tell her how stupid I think it is that insurance doesn't cover infertility. She would offer to pay, and I would say no, and then we would fight about that for 10 minutes. I would tell her how annoyed I get when people ask me how I'm doing. She would smartly reply 'how the h-e-double hockey sticks do you think I'm doing you twit??. She would say that because she gets me. She knows what its like to plaster a smile on your face when all you want to do is crumble. And that is why I would cry. I would cry and cry and cry and she would let me. But then, then she would tell me to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. And that's what I keep on doing, because it's what my Nannie would want me to do.
I never knew that missing someone could hurt so badly. I think because I never knew what it was like to miss a piece of your heart. Every month I prepare myself to love a child that never comes. Every month I lose another little piece of my heart. I like to believe that my Nannie is collecting all the little pieces of my heart and she is taping them all back together. When it's time, I'll have a baby, and all those little pieces will come back to me, sent straight from my Nannie. (Probably on valentines day with a note 'roses are red, violets are blue, you'll never know how much I love you'.) Because truly, I don't think we ever did know just how much she loved us.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Do you ever read something and then feel your face because you know those words just slapped you right across the face?!? Happens to me all the time. Probably because I make a lot of mistakes and constantly am reminded of how to be better!
For the longest time in my life when something was wrong, I blamed others. If I didn't get the job I wanted I would think "they don't know what their missing out on", if people would say they didn't like me I would think "sucks to be them. I am who I am". The list could go on and on, but you get the picture. I was perfect and everyone else had the isses. Who was the common demoniator in that situation? Ding ding ding! Me of course!
It took me a long time. A long time of walking through the fire to really look inward and see that I had things that truly needed to change about me. It would have been easy if it was skill related, but unfortunately it was more character related. I truly needed to change the person I was.
Now these changes started to take place about 10 months ago. I am no where near where I want to be, but I am so much farther from where I used to be. Things take time. Life is a constant journey. Yes there are times that you might get to be on coast, but you are still driving in the direction you want to go.
For someone like me, who is wired in such a way that I want to be in charge, I want to carry the reins, I want to be the driver. Waiting is hard. It sucks. It's emotionally draining. I lie away more nights then I care to admit making lists of things in my life I could do differently to get the results I want to get. I seldom take a step back and enjoy the moment I am in because I am so worried about the next 1000 moments and how I am going to control each one of them.
There is no finish line to race to at the end of life. I can't beat people there. Controlling the next moment and the next moment after that is not going to change the outcome.
Live in the present. Live in the now. Know that what is meant to happen, will happen. If things in life aren't going the way you want them to, take a good long look inside and realize what you can change, but let go of the things you can't.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Confirmed. Not pregnant. Welcome back my little friend. One thing about you, you're pretty reliable. Too bad I view that as a negative quality instead of a positive!
That is all I really have to say today. I have a cold, I'm pretty sure a sinus infection, and now cramps. I'm going to have some Mac and Cheese and hot dogs (which my husband is going to drive to the store and buy me because he contines to feed them to my dog) and then read a book!
Check ya later reality! You can find me in fiction land the rest of the night! (Unless the heroine gets pregnant after like two months. Then I'll come back to reality! Cause you know, it's totally sane to get mad at fictional book characters!)
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
A little background. Before I went on fertility medicine, my cycle was 35 days. Exactly 35 days. Down to the minute.
When I went on clomid it took my cycles down to 28 days. Which would mean I should have started my period yesterday. Didn't come. Didn't come today either.
So, I of course did what anyone would do and took a pregnancy test. Not pregnant (of course!). It says that it tests 6 days before missed period. But, I didn't take clomid this month. So, when is my missed period. 28 days or 35 days??
I feel like I have two options. I could take a test every day to feel like I know, or I could just wait until I either start or day 35 comes. Logically, because pregnancy tests cost an arm and a leg, I should just wait. But, when has Amanda (McQuin) Jones ever been logical?? Yes, I had to bring my maiden name in because I have NEVER in my 27 years of life been logical.
Nathan bought a 2 pack tonight. Maybe I'll test every other day. (Yeah right!) check back tomorrow, there should be another update!! 👍👍
Friday, July 4, 2014
I've said it before and I'll say it again, my husband is a private man. He keeps his emotions and his feelings close to his chest. He has a very limited group of friends and even more limited in who he communicates with on a regular basis. He is a very friendly guy and always joking and making people laugh, he's just quiet when it comes to his own time.
As you have gathered, I am the opposite. To some extent. I am not private at all. I wear my emotions and my feelings on my sleeve for all the world to see. But I too have a very limited group of friends and am even more limited in who I communicate with on a regular basis. I like to be the center of attention when I'm in a crowd of people, but when I have my alone time, I like to be alone.
I think it's one of the main reasons we work. We just co-exists. And I mean that in a really great way. Nathan likes to play video games and watch Netflix. I like to read books and sleep. We each do our own thing, checking in on each other occasionally, but really just enjoying quiet time to ourselves. Not a lot of people can do that. It's really an amazing thing.
We were taking last night about wants vs needs in a house and how having seperate space is such an important thing to us. My husband, the man of very few words, said to me "not to sound cliche, but you do realize what we have is really special don't you?". It took me a couple of seconds to respond, but I just simply nodded my head and told him I knew.
I can across this quote on Pinterest and it explains exactly what we mean. His soul is my soul and he is more myself than I am. And there is nothing more beautiful in life! <3
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Surprise!! I'm back and guess what?!? I ovulated naturally! Not getting my hopes up and honestly I wasn't going to blog about it because I didn't want to get your hopes up either.
The greatest thing about this life is having people there to support you. And let me tell you what, I have felt more love and support over the last few months then I think I have my whole life!
I literally told Nathan that we need to go to vacation late so we can go to my 10 year high school reunion to make sure to see all the people who have stood behind me on this journey! It's simply amazing how people rally together to support other people. I love it.
So, I'm kind of at the stage now that if it happens it happens. I'm not getting any testing done. I mean honestly, who can afford $1600 a month to TRY and get pregnant?? It's just crazy!
I feel a weight off of my shoulders right now and it's amazing! (I mean I still am taking ovulation tests daily. You can't take all my control away). I feel like Nathan and I have our fun relationship back. We laugh, we joke. There are no more schedules. If I have a headache, I have a headache!
I didn't realize how long 20 months is. Having a baby is still something that is super super important to us. But I also thing that everyone needs a rest and refuel period of time in their life. That is what were doing right now. So if I get pregnant naturally, yay! If I don't, we'll just keep trying!!
It truly means so much to me that you are all along for the ride with us! This would be a pretty lonely journey without everyone!