Monday, November 8, 2010

Having Friends

WOW!! In about a two week time period I have learned how great it is to have friends! This is quite depressing because, well...the truth is, I never really had any. I have two great girlfriends that I get to spend so much time with at work and feel like I can tell them everything. And then I have a great friend from my old job that has brought me into her group of friends and it is so much fun.

I feel like I made my whole life about one person and didn't know what it was like to have friends. I always thought how great of friends he had and what it would be like to have friends like that. Well, it's great. Girl friends can make all the difference in life.

I mean of course I want to get to that point again in my life where I have a best friend/soul mate. The person that you wake up to every morning and the person you fall asleep to every night. The person you call 10 times a day to say "oh i forgot to tell you this" even though you probably already told them or they dont care, but they love you enough to listen, and laugh even when it isn't that funny. Of course I miss that, and long for that again, but what I have right now is pretty gosh darn fun.

I may have very well met the girls that will be standing beside me on my wedding day, and its a great feeling. And I don't mind if its us sitting on break laughing at work, or falling down walking home drunk. These girls are fun, and they get me, and they know what I mean when I try and describe things. What a great feeling to have people like that in your life, and multiple of them!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Baby Fever

I dont know what is wrong with me!!!!! Last weekend I got to play with a 6 month old and an 8 month old all day on Saturday, then this weekend I was sent pictures of probably the cutest 18 month old ever. I see babies everywhere and I just want to hold them all and play with them all.  Obvioulsy sometime in the future I want to have kids. Certaintley not now, but I just keep seeing all of these babies and wanting to play with them and hold them and snuggle them. Weird

My Uncle and my cousin will both be having babies in March and I CANT wait! I am planning my cousin's baby shower and I am like overly excited about it. I just cant wait. This is so weird.

So anyways, I am having baby fever bad. I guess I just need to babysit maybe, and I'll feel better!!!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Pretty Perfect

So, taking a break from studying I go to a friends wall on Facebook and I see that she has taken a quiz to see what Era she was supposed to be in. I have always said I belong in the 60's so I thought I would take it! After I took it, I saw a survey called, "Which Movie are You?". Well why not take it right!  It told me I was like Harry Potter, which whatever, but this is also what it told me:

     On the outside, people may see you as self-assured, confident and perhaps a little arrogant. However, if they manage to get past your tough exterior, they'll find that you are passionate and loyal. You have a strong personality that makes you driven to achieve the things you want. People admire your strength to survive and cope during tough times.

Pretty perfect huh? My whole life I have put on this strong person imagine on the outside, almost a bitch appearance. But when you get to know me, I'm really not what I set out to be. I don't know why I try and perceive myself that way. I guess if I put on a tough girl imagine people wont hurt me as bad. Yeah right! :)  

Lately I have really figured out that I am defiantly driven more these days. When things used to get tough, I would walk away. I dont do that anymore. And I am learning more and more each day how strong of a person I really am. I have had a lot of tough cards dealt to me lately, and you know what, I'm still standing!  

Monday, November 1, 2010

It still hurts

This one is a little personal, and I'm sure anyone that knows my life will know what I'm talking about. Sometimes it just helps to get it out, I am just choosing to do that to the public.  Not meaning to offend anyone, just simply stating what I learned.

I was in love. Head over heels in love. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Absolutely. Did I think it was reality? Absolutely Not. I knew this break up would come, and I knew my life with shatter in front of me. Am I proud of how I have dealt with it? Yes! I have had a great support system and people around me to let me know that it will be okay.  Does it still hurt? YES!

You see, this was my first love. The first time I knew what it felt like to have someone care about you. Soemoene that would do anything to make you happy. The first time I got the tingles when I was kissed, or butterflies in my stomach with the thought of seeing him. The first time I felt 100% okay with being myself, and sharing my darkest fears. Not only was he my boyfreind, he was my best friend. The first person I called when anything happened, good or bad. The first person I thought of when I woke up, and the last person I thought about before I went to sleep. That was the love I knew, and it felt great.

So, yes I am hurt. But I would also consider myself a realist. And like I said, I knew this day would come. I knew we would part our ways, hoping to stay friends, because who wants to lose their boyfriend and their best friend all in the same day. Not this girl. I guess what I had never thought of was what happened when there is someone else?  I guess that wasnt even a thought that crossed my mind, it should have but it didnt.

Well, let me tell you what happens when there is someone else. IT HURTS LIKE HELL.  And when alcohol is involved it makes it ten times worse. I guess I realized that as much as a realist I claim to be, there are some realities that you just dont anticipate. Yes, the wound is still a little fresh and maybe that is why it hurts so bad, but he was my first love. And Im sure 20 years down the road if I saw him with someone else, it would hurt too. That is what happens, and you have to move on.

So, this weekend I realized that no matter how strong I have been, and how much I think that I have moved on. It still hurts. Everyday when something happens that I want to call him or text him, it hurts. Every day that I think we would be doing this together or that together, it hurts. Moving on is a must, and I guess it will happen with time. I just hope the next time it hurts, I can handle the situation a little more maturely. As all I did was hurt myself and the situation.