I have struggled with anxiety for as far back as I can remember. When my Mom would leave the house I would hold onto her leg trying to convience her to stay. I somehow in my own mind had convinced myself that every time my Mom left the house, she would die. I have never slept well at night, with a fear that someone is going to break in and attack me. I've always had a hard time getting on roller coasters. Not for the fear of the loops or turns, but of the rise to the top. In my mind I would always see the thing losing grip and sailing backwards. Don't even get me started on my fear of planes. My newst paranoi is that my husband is going to pass away, my house is going to be a mess, and my husband will never forgive me for not picking up my clothes from the bathroom floor (it doesn't stop me from leaving them there though!)
Crazy right? It is all so unnatural, but it's the thoughts that live in my mind...all the time. I constantly worry about events that most likely will never happen.
For the better part of 20 years I have been on medication for it. At times, in my mind, I get better, so I stop taking it. I eventually have to start taking it again after a panic attack or two come and go. It's not something I'm ashamed of per se, just not something I'm proud of. No one wants to be that crazy girl hovering in the corner because she thinks someone is going to break into her house. The older I've gotten, and the more that has happened in life, the worse it's gotten. If I wrote down everything that I worry about every day, I could fill page after page after page. It's endless.
When the conversation of infertility started coming up, my Dr suggested that I go off my medicine if trying to conceive. I am literally willing to do almost anything to get pregnant, so I agreed. Probably the worst decision I've ever made.
After an in-flight panic attack (which I'm surprised did not get me banned from flying for life), a mid-meal panic attack at a restraunt (I thought everyone was staring at how much the 'fat girl' was eating) and multiple every day little attacks, I have decided that I need the medicine to help me live a normal life.
I called my other Dr (or as I like to refer to her 'my crazy dr') and asked her about my medicine and infertility. She said the medicine I am on is safe for women who are pregnant and breast feeding so she didn't think it would have any bearing on infertility. She told me she would do some research and get back to me. She left me a message yesterday telling me that after doing some research she did not find any reason for it to have bearing on my ability to conceive.
So, today, I'm back to taking my medicine.
Life is hard enough. When adding the stress of trying to conceive it can all be a bit overwhelming. I think the older I get the more I realize that I am who I am. If people judge me for having to take medicine every day to calm my anxiety, let them. There are plenty of people in my life who love me for me, anxiety and all.
This process is stressful, it's worry some and it comes with high levels of anxiety. I stay awake at night not wanting to move so I can make sure that I get the right reading for my basal body temperature, I chug water at the same time every day to make sure I can take my ovulation tests at the same time. I worry that my counting was off and it wasn't really -5 seconds, or that my reach to the bed will disrupt my temp. Tons of thoughts floating through my mind all the time. I think we all have the right to use whatever means we have available to keep calm!
Own who you are in life, even the crazy side. There is no one out there like you, and that's part of the beauty of this life!
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