Unfortunately, things changed a little bit and I saw myself getting more and more negative and complaining more and more. I found myself reading blog after blog to get validation on how shitty I felt.
So, I've taken a step back this week to really take some time to clear my head. Infertility can slowly creep in and one day you wake up and realize it consumes your whole life. I woke up thinking about it, went to bed thinking about it and thought about it all the times in between.
It's rough. It's not fun, and last week I was in a really bad place.
Here are some updates:
1. Clomid hates me. I can't sleep, can't stop sweating and can't stop getting the worse Charlie Horses known to man. Last week between Tuesday-Friday, I slept a total of 3.5 hours. I just can't sleep. It is the worst insomnia I have ever had in my life. Add a pretty rough week at work on top of that and life was anything but pretty. (I'm surprised my husband is still alive and has all of his man parts. It was bad. Like...really bad!)
2. My emotions are CRAZY! Seriously! I am all over the place! Pissed off (better then pissed on my Mom said), bitter, sad, anxious, nervous! Everything all rolled in to one. If someone looked at me the wrong way I was all over them. (I'm surprised my husband didn't divorce me last week! It was bad. Like...really bad!) :)
3. I'm about at the end of my rope. (So I'm gonna tie a knot and hold on!). Even with the clomid, I am not ovulating. The Dr says that I am, but she is also not doing any monitoring, so who even knows. I put her on notice this month! Told her if she didn't give me more concrete information, I was going somewhere else! (Told you last week was bad!) I am probably going to be going some where else anyways, if there is no pregnancy this month, next month we will be doing the artifical insemination anyways, so I will need to go to a fertility specialist. I maybe should have started there anyways.
4. People are insensitive. I've been pretty open about my problems to everyone, never in a million years thinking people would use it as fuel against me! This last couple of weeks I have heard it all. "Being on fertility drugs is no excuse to be a bitch!" (Touché!) "I'm making life more stressful for my husband and I!" (Yup, that was my plan) "You'll never be able to give Nathan the happiness he deserves" (can't type what I wanted to say to THAT person!) "You're taking the fact you can't get pregnant and I can out on me!" (No, I'm taking the fact that I haven't slept in 3 days and the fact that you are insensitive out on you!)
5. I have a choice. I can be bitter and run down and frustrated and alienate myself from everyone in my life, OR, I can put my big girl panties on and deal with it! (And as I was reminded today, girls in big girl panties don't cry!) I am choosing to put on my big girl panties! No one said this was going to be easy. I certainly know that life is not all roses and sunshines so why did I think this would be! You get disappointed in life by setting unrealistic expectations! I can no longer be nieve about the situation. Changing my way of thinking will change a lot I believe!
People can suck and life can suck, but allowing yourself to suck is not the way to live life! Sitting on the couch all weekend, refusing to do anything, and watching your husband so 15 loads of laundry because you haven't done jack crap in a month is no way to live life! (Welllll...I mean...I COULD live life that way! But I shouldn't!) Treating the people closest to you and spreading your own bitterness is no way to live life!
Tomorrow is a new day! It will be better (wellll, maybe not! I work 7:30-5, so maybe I should start my new outlook on Sunday!) But seriously, I have a great life! I just have to remember that!
I will be better! I promise!
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