"My biggest fear through all of this is that my husband will leave me. I don't think he will leave me as in divorce me, but he will leave me as in find another relationship to provide him all the things I can't. Does this worry you? Do you talk to your husband about these kind of worries? Please help me, I am lost in all of this."
Wow. I knew I wanted to help people, but just wow.
1. I am lost in all of this too. I just happen to be a very confident person, that at times it doesn't show how truly broken I am. It's okay. You can be broken. We just have to figure out how to put the pieces back together.
2. I fear(ed) my husband would leave me too. It absolutely worried me. It's natural. As humans and especially as women, we often don't feel that we are good enough and/or can meet the expectations put out in front of us. We are women. We are supposed to bear children and be Mom's. If we can't do that, we are automatically not good enough. To me, that's bullshit. No women need to bear children or be a Mom to be good enough. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am me, and that is good enough!
3. Your fear of how your husband would leave you kind of worries me. Communication through this whole process is huge. I talk to my husband about everything. He is my absolute best friend. He hears the good, the bad and the ugly. I have no finesse, like none at all. I am blunt and to the point. I say how I feel with no regards to other people's feelings. I speak and then apologize later. Talking comes easy to be, sharing my feelings comes easy. Sometimes this can cause much pain and hurt in our relationship, but we talk through that as well!
4. I think my fear of my husband leaving me came from him not wanting this as much as me. That is why it is so very important that you communicate each and every detail with your husband so he knows where you are coming from and you know where he is coming from. My husband doesn't not want this, but I am his wife first, and to him that is the most important thing. My health and my happiness is all that matters to him. So seeing me unhappy or devastated month after month isn't really worth it to him. He would rather see me happy all the time. We just had to calibrate on why we each felt the way that we felt. I have an obsessive personaility, so I instantly became obsessed without even letting the feelings or information settle over me. It takes my husband a whole to process things. I have to be okay with giving him the room to think through these things.
It will never be perfect. I can't sit here and tell you it will. Just the other night I was crying so terribly bad I made myself sick multiple times. My husband told me to "knock it off and stop crying", rolled over and went back to sleep. I gave him the silent treatment the next day and that night we sat down and talked about it. I could have let my mind go places that it didn't need to go, but I chose not to.
I have fought a lot of battles in my life, but this is the hardest one. It is also the easiest because I know that my husband is standing beside me every step of the way! Let yours be what holds you up! You can't fight this alone!
If you need to talk, send me more emails! It might be easier if you include your name! Add me on Facebook! We can fight this together!