Monday, April 25, 2016

A Letter to Our Future Baby...My Struggle With PCOS

My Love, 

It is three in the morning and all I can think about is you. I anxiously await the day I get to share with your Daddy that we are expecting you. That our dreams have finally come true. I can't wait to see his face. He will say something awkward. It's just what he does. He isn't good with feelings, but I know that he will love you more than you could ever imagine being loved. I know this because he already does, and because it's how he loves me. There is truly no better feeling in life. 

At night, when the world has gone to sleep, I lie awake and think of you. (I think that's a Selena song, but I'm not quite for sure) I think about how you will come to us. Will it be through IVF? Will you share my DNA? Will our hearts be opened up to adoption? Or will some crazy miracle happen, and Daddy and I make you "the old fashioned way"? We want you to know that we will take you anyway we can get you. 

We've been waiting for you for so long. You see, Daddy and I knew that we wanted kids right away. There is something so very magical about meeting and falling in love with your soulmate. Every dream and every desire you never knew you had comes to life. It's not just about being a Mommy to me. It's about being a Mommy with a man as wonderful as your Daddy. You are truly something that we have wanted from the very first day we fell in love. Daddy told me he loved me by saying "I cant wait to raise Republican babies with you". This was on our second date. (Yup...second date!) Daddy was clearly dreaming, because we all know our babies will be Democrat. (Wanna know a secret? Your Daddy is really a closet Democrat. It just took meeting Mommy to bring that out of him. It's amazing what meeting the right person can do for you!) 

Although he can be a little crazy at times, Daddy has a very level head on his shoulders. Almost too level at times. It's something you will learn to love...someday. There are times he gets mad at how much money we keep spending to make you a reality, but, deep down I know that he would spend every dollar we ever make to bring you into the world. It just gets hard at times. We joke around a lot. We may never be able to send you to college, or buy you name brand clothes, but at least you will always know how much we love you. Afterall, we did spend a small fortune to create you. We even ordered a shirt off of Etsy for you. It says "My parents love me more than your parents love you. They spent $40,000 to create me". don't find the humor in that? Yeah, we don't really either. 

Here is what I want you to know the most my sweet babe. No matter if you are created via IVF, share my DNA, or come to us by way of adoption, I love you. I love you more than I can stand it some days. I pray for you every moment of every day. I cannot wait for the day that we meet. The day that I get to hold you in my arms and breathe you in. The day that I get to look your Daddy in the eyes and know that all of this was worth it. That is the day I dream for. 

My sweet baby, if I get the chance to be your Mommy, I want you to know that I will always love you, I will protect you, I will be your parent first and your friend second. You will always be able to count on me. I will fight for you until I take my last dying breath. I will allow you to make mistakes so that you can learn from them. So that we can learn from them together. I will always have a shoulder for you to cry on, but will help you pull up your big girl/boy panties and kick life's butt when you need to do that too. I will not be easy on you, because life is not easy. I will expect you to have good manners, good grades, and to behave the way we raise you to behave. But I will never let you fall. I am your rock bottom. I will always be there to catch you and help carry you across whatever fire you are walking through. For you my sweet child are apart of me, and that means you will never walk this life alone. 

I can't wait for the day that we get to take your Kindergarten pictures, pick out your prom dress or tux, sit in the front row as you marry your soul mate and all the days in between. We will be there. I will cry, because it's what I do. Daddy will fidget, because that's what he does. But we will be there. We will be there because, you, my sweet baby, you are our hearts. Everything we do in life is to get one step closer to having you. Even if its just the possibility of having you. 

I want you to know that Daddy and I are not perfect. We will make mistakes. We will probably make you mad, sad, angry, or hurt. We will not always do what you want us to do. Sometimes by choice, but sometimes because we just didn't know any better. Your father and I, we are good people. We strive every day to be better people. But sometimes we forget to pay the light bill...orrrrr put gas in the car! (Not me!) I drive a little too fast. Okay, a lot too fast. I don't cook, clean or do laundry. Daddy does though. You will love him for it. But, don't expect your Dad to put together your new toys..just call on me. Your ol' Mom. I'll help you with that. I will also help you get into trouble. It's kind of what I do. Daddy will just always be there to bail you (and me) out. 

So to our sweet Remington Grace or Smith Curtis, please know that we love you. We pray for you every moment of every day. This world is full of people who can't wait to meet you, to spoil you, to love on you. But no one will ever love you as much as me and your Daddy. For we have fought every day to have you.  

I hope I get to meet you soon. But until then, you are always on my mind, and always in my heart.

Your Mommy

Monday, April 4, 2016

Quick Update My Struggle with Infertility

Hey y'all!! 

Long time no talk! Thought I would check in with everyone as I've been getting LOTS of questions lately about our journey. 

In December I had a surgery to remove pre-cancerous polyps and a portion of my uterine lining that had pre-cancerous cells. We knew at that point that it would be a year for my body to heal and start trying again. 

We have come to the conclusion that I will 'never' be able to get pregnant naturally! (A dear friend so lovingly called my eggs 'scrambled' when telling her child why Nathan and I can't have babies, and I absolutely LOVE that description! No hatching happening here!) We were also told pre-surgery that there is only a 30% chance I would ever carry a baby due to my uterine lining! We pray daily that the surgery has increased those odds. 

Any who, I go to the Dr monthly where they do a biopsy of the new uterine lining growing back to ensure there are only healthy cells and NO cancerous cells. I am very happy to update that we are all clear so far!! Woot-Woot! 

As far as what's next? Nathan and I don't know. I truly believe deep down in the depths of my soul that we are meant to be parents. We don't feel the calling to adoption. That may change, you never know. I keep going back to egg-donation but Nathan doesn't know. When he married me he wanted to have babies with ME, and it weird him out a little that the baby would have his DNA but not mine. Nathan truly believes that we will get pregnant. Maybe another round of IVF is the trick! (God Bless that man's optimism!) 

I continue to have these vivid, vivid dreams of receiving phone calls in the middle of the night and driving to these places and bringing home children. Sometimes they're babies, sometimes they're older kids. I don't know what God is trying to tell me. I am listening though, and waiting. 

Overall yhings haven't changed much! There are good days and there are bad days. There are days I think we can do this. We can just continue to be Aunt Amanda and Uncle Nathan and be damn good at it. We can love our friend's kids like they're our own and offer to babysit any random kid that we come in contact with. Then, there are the days I can't get up off the bathroom floor because all I want to do is be a Mom. To feel life inside of me. To give my husband everything he deserves in life and more. Those days make me question this journey and why it had to be US. (I hate those days) 

But, we are and continue to be so very thankful for all of your continued support. The love, prayers, and words of encouragement mean more than most of you will ever know. They are my light at the end of some very dark days. 

Well, that's all she wrote folks! I'll try and check in more often! ❤️

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Conscious Coupling... My Struggle with PCOS

"Oh my gosh, Amanda posted another cheesy status about how much she loves Nathan. #annoying!!" How many of you have thought that EXACT same thing (sans the hashtag. I am probably the only person on earth who speaks/thinks in hashtags). Its okay to be honest, I know that it is probably quite a few of you. It can be nauseating at times.

Here is the deal. My husband and I are complete opposites. I think a lot of people say that about themselves and their spouses, but when I say it I truly mean it. The only thing that we have in common is that we love our dogs and we love alone time. That's it.

A little over 5 years ago, we met, we fell madly in love, we got engaged....and then life set in. We quickly realized how very different we were and if we wanted to stay as madly in love as we were at that present moment, it was going to take work. In that moment, I thought back to what my Grandpa told me once "the hardest job I've ever had was being a good husband". I NEVER understood why my Grandpa told me that. To me, to all of us, he was the greatest husband there was. He put up with my Grandma! :)  But in that moment, looking back, it all made sense to me. They were complete opposites, yet they found a way to make their marriage work for 50+ years. They did it by working hard every day at their marriage.

A few years ago, probably 4-5, Nathan had a long layover in an airport and picked up the book "What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married". He read the whole thing and made notes all throughout the book. I then read it and then we compared notes. This book taught us about the Five Languages of Love (people talk about this all the time, but they dont understand how great it truly is. If you are married or in a serious relationship and you havent read it, read it). It teaches you to love your spouse in the way that they want to be loved, not in the way that you want to love them. WHOA. Hold the press. You mean, me, Amanda Jones needs to do something someone else's way?? Nope, not going to happen. I'm just not wired that way. I am, in case you forgot, Amanda Jones. I do what I want, when I want, and how I want, If someone tells me to do something differently, I use all my energy to prove why my way was better. Its just who I am. Its an ugly trait. I would say I am working on it, but we all know that's a lie! :)

Anyways, we read the book. We talked it over. I thought it was garbage and we went on with our day. Then slowly I started to see things. My husband making my lunch for me in the morning, or picking out my clothes the night before so that I wasn't so rushed in the morning. Then there was a sweet Facebook post here, or a shout out on instagram there. My heart was full. My husband was loving me the way that I wanted to be loved. I thought maybe I should give this a try. So the next time my husband tried to hold my hand in public (puke), I let him. The smile that I got that day, the one that makes me weak in the knees, it was totally worth it. (Then he tried to pinch my butt and I socked him right in the arm. Baby steps steps). Next I tried not confessing my love to him on Facebook, but instead thanking him for being so great. I feel like I could physically see his heart do a little flutter. I was loving him the way he wanted to be loved.

To do this day in and day out, it's hard. We are wired one way, and we are being asked to go against that. But I am telling you, the key to my very dysfunctional, overly happy, filled with love, marriage is loving each other the way the other wants to be loved.

I've learned over the last few years that a marriage has ups and down. Big ups and big downs. I never knew this growing up, because my Grandparents were very private people. You know...your dirty laundry should hang in the basement, not outside for everyone to see (or on Facebook for the world to make judgments). There are things that we have gone through, that had me questioning everything, because I simply didn't know that marriage was anything but happy, love filled.  My husband lived away from me for the 8 months prior to our wedding, which almost did me in. We have battled infertility since the day we got married (if you wanna talk about some fights, try telling a woman on clomid you drank the last Mt Dew).  I have lost the two most important people in my life, and Nathan was forced to pick up the pieces (I honestly don't remember most of those days to tell you how ugly they really were). Nathan walked away from his dream job and the greatest team he has ever been apart of to help me fulfill a dream (Ever have someone place unnecessary blame on you? Yeah..not fun). We work together side by side (well, Nathan is a step higher than me, and he wont let you forget it!) in a pretty stressful, at times, job (lets not even get started on that!). We moved half way across the country ourselves (Mr. Popular did just fine with that move!). But through it all, especially through the hard times (its why there is so much cheesy stuff on Facebook right now), we remember to love each other...the way they want to be loved.

I love my husband more than I could ever explain in words. I wake up each day knowing how very blessed I am to be married to someone who will work just as hard at our marriage as I will. We never go to sleep mad at each other (even if it means staying up all night...we've done it before and I am sure we will do it again), and there has never been a day we have let pass without telling each other just how much we love one another (even if we didn't necessarily like each other at the moment). So, I am sorry to tell you, but our annoying Facebook posts won't go away. Its our own personal recipe to our very successful marriage (by our own definition).