Monday, May 28, 2012

Not apologizing...

There are things in my life that I will own up to. I know that sometimes I do things that I need to apologize for but I know that there are also things about my life that I won't apologize for. Here is the short list; 1. My love for Nathan and our happiness. This is something that I abaolutely will not apologize for. Nathan and I understand how lucky we are to have found each other and be as happy as we are. There was a time in my life when the only man that meant anything was my Grandpa. This was also a time where I sai I would never get married and I never wanted a family. My Grandpa always told me the one thing he wanted me to experience was the love him and my Grandma shares and the joy that children an grandchild brought your life. At a time in my life when the most important man in my life was dying, my heart opened up to a new man. A man who loves me so deeply and so unconditionally. I never knew this kind of love existed outside of my Grandparents marriage. So, I will not apologize for loving Nathan and I will not stop sharing my love for him either. 2. My success. I had worked extremely hard throughout my life to always be on top. I worked extremely hard during school and I have always been good at my jobs. I work hard to produce great results. Nathan also works extremely hard and his drive for success makes me want to succeed rift along with him. Our hard work has opened some great doors for us and I will not apologize for that. We have not been handed things. We make sacrifices and miss out on things and work hard for everything that we have. Everything we have we deserve, so apologizing is not necessary! 3. My openness. I have always been an open book. I dot have anything in my life to hide so why not express myself. Yes, I probably do too many status updates and tweet entirely wayy too much, but once again I won't apologize for this. Growing up I always had to act one way in public. I always ha to put a smile on my face even though life was falling apart begin closed doors. I always pretended like I had everything under control even though I was a wreck. I always had to hide things. Now that I have my own life an I'm proud of the life I live and have made for myself I see no need to hide things.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Laying awake...

I lay here in bed trying to sleep. I think about things that I said today that I could have said different. I think about how much I miss Nathan. How over the past few months, since we both got our promotions we became 2nd to each other. Our new jobs were first. There was always something more important. Some TV show I needed to watch instead of lay in bed with him, some post I needed to read on facebook. I think about how I would beg him to come to lunch with me, but he was always busy. I think about how we get a 2nd chance. We got time to realize that all those little things, all those little moments are what truly matter. 

I think about all of these things because I lay awake and I think about my Grandpa. I think about how he is missing out on all of this. How for so long he was there to help me through my heart ache. He was there to pick up the pieces as they were falling apart and he was there to glue me back together when I completely crumbled. He got to see all of those moments. He got to experience all of those moments, but he doenst get to experience these. He doens't get to see me happier then I have ever been. He doenst get to hang out with Nathan and learn to love him the way I do. Nathan never got to see his Maytag collection or all of his artifacts. Nathan didn't get to hear the stories or listen to him laugh from his belly. 

I cry because I am so jealous of my sister. My Grandpa got to walk my sister down the aisle. He got to see her in her wedding dress. He got to put on the tux and tell her how beautiful she looked. He got to give her away and kiss her and tell her that he would always be her number one guy. I know that my Grandpa will be there with me. I know that I will feel him in my heart. But I am still very jealous that it isn't the same as what my sister got. 

So I lay here awake...thinking of what was and what will be. I know that Nathan was brought into my life as I was losing the most important man in my life. At one point in my life, I could never imagine my life without my Grandpa. And then I met Nathan. At the same time that I was having to realize that I was going to lose my Grandpa and I was going to have to live life without him, there was Nathan. I learned a new kind of love. A love that to me was so raw. This man loved me for me. Not because I was his grandchild, but because he loved ME. I cant compare it to anything just like I cant compare the love I had for my Grandpa to anything I have ever experienced. So instead of being jealous and thinking about was was....I should focus on what IS and what WILL BE.