Loss

This time last year I was preparing myself to lose the most important person in my life. My Grandpa was in hospice and he was pretty unresponsive at this time. They told us that they would be able to tell when the end was near with the breathing. I decided to take my Grandma home so she could try and get some sleep as I knew the next day was probably going to be a long one. Around 1 am my uncles came home from the hospital to get my Grandma and shortly after my Grandpa passed away with his entire family surround him.

There was something so peaceful about him passing. Almost a sense of relief. He had been in so much pain for so long and I was so happy that he was finally at rest. He fought cancer so hard to the bitter end. He probably didn't know that he was doing it, but at the same time he was teaching each and everyone of us the best lesson he ever could. You live your life to the fullest until the bitter end.

So, technically Dec 20th is the day that my Grandpa passed, but today is really the day that hurts.

Sharing life's adventures

Most of the people in my life know that I like to share information. I have no qualms about sharing details of my life. I will update my Facebook status about almost anything. I will write blogs about my post personal feelings. That is just me. I am an open book. Nathan on the other hand, well, lets just say he is quite a bit different. He is much more private, hardly ever updates his status, likes the blog idea, but would probably prefer if his feelings were left out! :)  

To get to the point, I tell the people I work with everything that happens. You see, I live quite the adventurous life. Really, not joking at all. They laugh at me, (with me), give me advice and anything else that a girl would need. These people have become like family to me and I couldnt imagine them not knowing about my life. (Insert Nathan getting a promotion here.) He is now the Manager over the department that I work in. Meaning all of these people, my family, he is there boss. Usually my stories have something to do about him. Or, make people question why he ever decided to marry someone as ditzy as me! 

So, Friday morning when I was late to work because I backed into the garage door and it wouldnt open, was just another one of those moments when Nathan wishes I would just tell people I "had car problems!"

Red Light, Finally!

Wowza! Life has been BUSY! The company that we work for did a reorganization and Nathan came out ahead! He got promoted to a Manager position of the department that I work in. Yes, for a while, he is my boss!! I am getting moved to a different department, we are just trying to find the right fit for me! It is great that we work for a company that cares so much about both of us. With this, Nathan has been working longer hours trying to get used to the new department and everything that is going on. It has been quite the adjustment.

We got our engagement pictures taken and that was a great experience! We had so much fun and even when times are tough or stressed it reminds me of how much we truly love each other. My Grandpa got me a sign a few years ago at a flea market that says "Happiness is a journey, not a destination". I really beleive that is true and I am reminded of that daily with the every day ups and downs of life.

We have also been working on our 5 yr and 10 yr plans, which is fun, scary, weird, exciting, all rolled into one. Its so crazy to me that a year ago if you would have asked me if I would be in this place today, I would laugh at you. Yet here I am. I could not imagine being anywhere else.

I was also very proud of us because with all that is going on, I got our Christmas card/Save The Dates sent out.

So Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

The soon-to-be Joneses! :)

Life

I was doing very well with blogging, but lately I have been very busy! Well, we have been very busy. I got the fli, and then Nathan got a cold (still has it actually). The he gave me the cold back, and here we are today. Still sick.

A quick update. Wedding planning is going great. I think the lack of wedding planning is really what is going great. I really decided to take a step back for a while and it has been wonderful. We are just relaxed and enjoying the upcoming holiday season. We got our Christmas tree up and we are in full swing of the holidays.  If I am feeling better, I plan on getting all of our shopping done tomorrow, wrapped and under the Christmas tree. Lets just hope Jack doesn't life his leg to the presents!

I have really been spending more time in the kitchen, trying new recipes and doing fun recipes. The good thing is that Nathan will pretty much eat anything. There have been a few things that I just don't like, but Nathan eats them up! It has been great trying out this whole wife thing.

With the holidays coming up, we really started to think "what are we going to do". We kind of thought this year since we were only engaged we would just do our own thing like we always have. I am going to my families house and he is going to his for Thanksgiving. We have yet to figure out Christmas. Splitting time is not fun, but we will find a way to make it work! Good thing we both have great families!

Well, thought I would just catch everyone up on our lives. I will post pictures when the presents are under the tree!

Routines

Most people who know me, know that I like routines. I like things to be done in a certain way, at a certain time and I really believe that there is an order for things to be done for a certain reason.  Call me OCD, call me crazy, call me whatever you want, but I live a pretty strressless life and I believe that it is because of the order in my life. 

With that being said, Nathan started on nights tonight where he works from about 11am-10pm. He really only needs to be there from 1pm-10pm, but as most of you also know, I am marrying a work-a-holic. :)  

This just throws an entire wrench into my routines. For the next 3 weeks, I will be home by myself at night, spending breaks by myself at work, and going to bed at night without Nathan. Yuck! 

It really isn't that bad. I also have adaptability as a strength so by Tuesday I will have a new routine in place and my life with be back in order! But for tonight, I'm going to have a bit of a self-pity party! :)

In love with my crock pot

So lately I have been making a lot of stuff in the crock pot and I just love it! It is so convient to just throw everything in there in the morning and then have dinner ready at night. Well, I had to work at 7 am this morning, so last night around 10pm I put an egg bake in the crock pot and it was ready for work this morning! Everyone at work really enjoyed it. I didn't like it much, but I'm pretty picky.

Crock pot egg bake
Place 1/3
1 30 oz bag of frozen hashbrowns
1 lb pre cooked ham-cubed
1 sm onion
1 lg green pepper
1 lb cheese
12 eggs
1/4 cup milk
salt and pepper to taste

Sautee chopped onion, green pepper and cubed ham. Spray crock pot with cooking spray or use crock pot liner. You will layer ingredients until the top. Place 1/3 bag of frozen hasbrowns on bottom, then add 1/3 of ham veggie mixture, then 1/3 bag of cheese. Repeat steps until all ingredients are gone. Beat eggs in bowl and add 1/4 cup milk to mixture. Pour over top of layers. Cook on low for 8-10 hours. Serve with salsa if you like. Can also be mixed up and used for breakfast burritos.

How lucky we are

This weekend, Nathan and I had plans to go to my Aunt and Uncle's cabin in Southern Iowa. It was about a 3 hour drive and we really didn't want to make the full drive Saturday and then turn around and make it again on Sunday. So, we decided to go down to Newton Friday night and then drive the rest of the way Saturday. Plus my sister and brother in law were going as well, so they could just follow us down Saturday.

This took us to my Grandma's house on Friday night. She is seriously so predictable. Nathan got held up at work so we didn't get on the road until about 6:15. I had called my Grandma and told her not to make us dinner because we would be there late, and I didn't want her to stay up late. Yes, 8:00pm is late for her.  Well wouldn't you know, there was dinner there for us when we got home. She pushed and pushed food on us and Nathan just sat there and ate for her. As my Uncle and I were pushing my Grandma to go to bed, Nathan was saying that she could just stay up as late as she wanted to. As she went on and on about how she doesnt ever do anything, Nathan told her how exciting he thought her day was. She was just eating it all up.

Then comes Saturday. Nathan is outside playing with Jack and I am inside with my Grandma. I look over to see her crying and I asked her what was wrong. She told me 'I am just so lucky to have someone like him in my life". I asked her "Who Nannie? Kent?" She said "Well, yes Kent, but Nathan. I am just so lucky to have someone like Nathan in my life." I kind of set quite for a while as I was thinking to myself I AM THE LUCKY ONE! So I said "Nannie, don't you mean you are lucky that I have someone like Nathan in my life." And she simply said "No, I am lukcy to have someone like him in my life"

And with that, I say that we are BOTH very lucky to have someone like Nathan in our life!

Stay at home something

So, the United Way bake sale is tomorrow. I went to the store last night and got all of these fun fall/halloween ideas and I was going to bake them all tonight when I got off work. Well, I just got so excited that I got off at 11 today so I could come home and start baking. Nathan has also been wanting the crock-pot fiesta chicken that I make, so I threw that into the crock pot as well. Now that things are baking and our house is smelling so good, I could really get into this having days off.

Nathan came home for lunch and we were just standing in the kitchen together. It kind of felt great. I have never ever ever EVER wanted to be a stay at home ANYTHING. I always said that I would be back to work 2 days after I had the baby and my husband could take paternity leave. Well, now that I feel as if I am "nesting" without the baby, I could really get used to this staying home.

A couple of the things I made today were:

Pumpkin Muffins
1 box yellow cake mix
1 can pumpkin
mix together

Fill muffin tin 3/4 full. Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes

Leave plain or top with a cream cheese frosting

Crock-pot Fiesta Chicken
6-8 frozen chicken tenders
1 sm onion
1 lg pepper (whichever color you prefer)
1 jar salsa (Nathan prefers 1/2 jar hot salsa and 1/2 jar green really hot salsa)

Slice onion and pepper into large slices. Combine all ingredients in crock pot. Cook on high for 6 hours. Take a fork and break chicken into pieces. Serve over rice for on tortillas.

I am also making:
2 dozen blueberry muffins (out of a package)
6 cherry turnovers
6 apple turnovers
12 Individual cherry and blueberry pies (in muffin tin)

Pumpkin rice krispy treats

When mixing rice krispy, use food coloring to die orange. Spray hands with non stick spray. Roll rice krispies into balls, can be any size. Add a tootsie roll for the stem and you have little pumpkins! :)

Car Rides

Tomorrow night Nathan and I embark on another trip together. Oh joy! Haha! We truly love each other, but we travel completely different each other. First, I drive fast. Nathan drives slow. I drive, Nathan gets annoyed, Nathan drives, I get annoyed. I listen to country music, Nathan listens to rap. We try to go half and half, but the other person sighs heavy the entire time. We try and talk, Nathan gets annoyed that I talk and don't listen. Nathan packs the necessities, I pack everything except the kitchen sink.  Nathan likes to stop to use the restroom,  I like to keep on truckin. 

So, tomorrow we will make the usual trip to Newton. Stay for one night and then head down to my Aunt and Uncle's cabin for their annual fall festival. This will be a total of about four hours in the car together. I can't wait!!!!! 

Oh, eternity is going to be a FUN ride!  In all seriousness, I once asked my Grandpa how he put up with my Grandma for all the years that he did, because quite frankly you could have never met two more opposite people. He told me that it's not the differences that matter, its how you work compromise and work through those differences. Nathan is truly one of the first people in my life I have been willing to compromise for. And that is why I know that eternity WILL be a fun ride! I couldn't imagine being on this ride with anybody else! 

Time

Nathan and I met at The CBE Group, where he is a trainer and I am a collector. Yes, he was my trainer! What? I've been a teacher's pet my whole life! Ha! Jokes aside, I am very blessed that I met Nathan. I took quite the pay cut and quite the leadership cut to take this job. I had actually hired someone to work for me at Sprint that left CBE to come work for me. When I made the decision to quit Sprint without a job or even a plan of what I was going to do, I was very lucky that CBE called me and hired me the next day. Landing me in Nathan's training class! 

We used to get to spend our 15 minute breaks together and my 30 minute lunch, but with a schedule change for Nathan with becoming the trainer of a new division of the company and getting Jack, we don't get to spend that time together at all. I have really noticed it taking an emotional toll on me as I need kind of that time together. A lot happens during the day that I just want to tell Nathan about. I really just enjoy spending time with him and talking to him all day. 

So tonight, I didn't get off work until 6:30 and Nathan is at workout until 7:30. I haven't really seen him since about 10pm last time! UGH!

PS. I am changing the blog name to "Keeping up with the Jones'" As this is becoming more of a blog about Nathan and my new life together! :)

Life with a dog

Lets start with the facts.

1. We got a dog

2. Nathan has never had a dog before

3. I have had many dogs

4. I am not a morning person

5. I love sleep

6. I have no patience

Adding all of the above together, you get this next story.

Nathan and I have been searching for a dog for quite a while. When we saw Jack at the Animal Rescue League in Newton we instantly knew that he was the perfect dog for us. I knew all of the hard work that went into taking care of a dog and training a dog. Nathan never had a dog, but always wanted one. I think he was ready to have a partner, a friend, and someone to play with him on the weeks, as I sleep in.

Nathan and I both work at The CBE Group. I work 7-3:30 and Nathan works 8-5. I get to work at 6:59am and Nathan gets to work at about 6:30am. Which fits our personalities to a T. I love to sleep, I am not a morning person and the last thing I want to do is get out of bed in the morning, let alone get out of bed, take the dog for a walk, and then get ready to go to work. Most days I brush my teeth in the work bathroom during my first break. Let's be serious. I wake up at 6:38. So, I don't take care of the dog in the morning. 

Moving on to the lunch hour. I get a 30 minute lunch and Nathan gets an hour lunch. So, for obvious reason, Nathan comes home at lunch to take care of the dog. 

I get off work at 3:30, so I come home and take care of the dog. Nathan gets home after work and workout at about 6:30pm, then he takes the dog on a walk. Nathan then takes the dog outside before bed as well.

As you can tell, Nathan takes care of the dog more then I do.  Weekends it is actually funny because Nathan gets up at like 5:30am still and takes Jack on this long walk, thinking that he will then stay up and play with him all morning! DUH! What does any smart person/dog do? Comes back to bed with Mamma! :)  

It really makes me think about when we have a child. Will Nathan be the one to take care of our children? Well, for obvious reason, I think it will be yes! Just kidding! Tomorrow morning, I am going to get up early and I am going to take Jack for a walk, so my beloved fiance can stay in bed a little longer! 

Wedding Thoughts

So, I have not been able to sleep for about three nights now because I lay in bed thinking about everything that needs to get done for the wedding that I cant really do right now anyways. We are still 16 months out, so it's not like I can order everything that needs to be ordered.

Tonight, has been an exceptionally hard night. I think the reason I have really been having a hard time is because the one person who means the most to me isn't here. Its funny that my Grandpa always talked about how having boys was so much easier then raising girls, yet he was always there to listen. Of course he wouldn't care about the colors or the table lines I was choosing, but he sure would act like it. He would tell me that I just needed to call down and when I started bringing home tons of stuff he would act like it was a huge inconvience when really, he loved it. He loved every minute of his family being around him.

He got the chance to meet Nathan and that means so much to me. I honestly don;t know if I would be able to marry someone that didn't get a chance to meet my Grandpa. He told me that he saw something special in this guy, and he knew I would spend the rest of my life with him. I am so glad that I get to do that, but I am so sad that the man who means the most to be wont be there to see his little girl get married.

My Grandpa was truly my best friend. He was old fashioned and wasn't always up with the times, but he got it. He just understood life. He understood that only the things that matter to you are important. He didn't let what other people did or say affect him. He lived his life the way he wanted to, and that was that. He always raised us with high morals and values and with respect and dignity. He respected the choices that we made even if he didnt agree with them. I can recall countless times calling home ashamed, and afraid that he was going to be disappointed in me, but he never was. My Grandpa was the king at unconditional love.

I made that promise to my Grandpa that I would never let anyone else walk me down the aisle, because I knew he would be there with me, each step of the way, but man is it ever hard to imagine walking down that aisle without him.

Love you Gramps....oh how I love you.

A little rant

So, I don't know how everybody else gets paid at their jobs, but at mine we get paid on the 15th and the last business day of the month. Which really sucks. It totally messes up checks and you never really know what your check is going to be. If it could just be a consistent 14 day pay period every time it would be great, but you have to factor in weekends and all that other garbage! I hate it!  Today for instance my check was rather low because of the last pay period that we had! It doesnt really help the first check of the month being low because you have to pay rent and everything else that is due. IT SUCKS!

Oh well, what can you do besides bitch! NOTHING!

Scared

My Grandparents have been at the center of my universe my entire life. I do not have a memory in my life that does not include my Grandparents in some way. My sister and I were lucky enough to have people that loved us unconditionaly. I am not going to say that my parents did not love us the same way, but there is something special in the way my Grandparents loved us. We moved in with them when we were very young, and lived with them until I was 5 years old. We then moved right next door. Literally about 15 steps from my back door to theirs.

I can probably count on both hands the number of days I did not see my Grandparents growing up. My grandma fed us breakfast and got us ready for school. When I was in middle school she drove me to school because, well, I missed the bus quite frequently.  My Grandpa worked until I was in 8th grade, but he was always up in the morning to see us off to school. "See ya later girl, go get learned" he would say every day. You see, my Grandpa is from Southern Iowa, which could pratically be Arkansas. He "learned" things to people instead of taught things, he was "fixin" to do things instead of "going to". He was just Grandpa. The man who said Rascall Fratts instead of Rascal Flatts, Tyler Swit instead of Taylor Swift, and Scat Cam instead of Cat Scan. I would hope I didnt learn my English skills from him, but I did learn an awful lot.

A lot of people ask me if it was hard when I lost my Dad, and as bad as it may sound, no, it wasn't. I had the only Dad I really ever knew right beside me the entire time. He told me my Dad died, he held me, and he told me life would be ok. He promised me he would take care of me, and he always did. My Dad was my Grandpa, and I was blessed enough to have two Moms. I had the Mom I lived with, the cool Mom who really had no rules, and then I had the mean Mom, my Grandma. This is the Mom who had rules, and rules better be followed or she wasn't messing around.

There are people who don't understand what I am talking about and I'm not asking them to. This is something that I have to keep. This is something that is in so deep in my heart, no matter what anyone says it cant be broken. I understand these two people are not my real parents, duh, their my grandparents. But these are the people that were there every bad dream I had, every skinned knee I ever got, every broken heart I was handed. These are the people who knew everything about my best friends. Knew my soccer and softball schedule, sat through hot swim meets. Cooked me chicken noodle soup when I was sick, and cleaned up my vomit when I was really sick. These two people mean more to me than anything in the world.

I lost my Grandpa already and am getting close to losing my Grandma. I have always been closer to my Grandpa my whole life. He was my best friend, my buddy. Well, I lost him first, and I have had my Grandma to lean on. Everyone says not to call her, she cant handle it, well...she calls me. We talk about him and laugh and remember all of the funny things that have happened. We keep the memories alive. Now that Im at the point where I could lose her too, I really dont know what I will do. Really dont know.

I am scared to death of living life without both of my Grandparents. My Grandpa was supposed to be there to walk me down the aisle, to give me away to my husband. My Grandma is supposed to be there to tell me how to make gravy for my husband, and for me to call scared to death when I change the first diaper of my babies. These are things we talked about, things we laughed about and imagined. These are things I am never going to get to do, and I am scared. I don't know how to live life without my Grandparents, because they always wanted to live life with us.

Sorting out the dirty laundry

So last night Nathan posted a picture of me sorting laundry online and many of our friends commented all in good fun. One stated I was doing what I was supposed to do, I was doing Womans Work. Old fashioned..of course! Funny? A little. It made me start to wonder how things will be when we officially move in together and have a house, together. Right now we basically live together but I am just in his apartment. I have moved some of my stuff in and have taken over his closet. But I am still living in his apartment. I cant wait until we have a place...together.

Nate and I compromise on a lot of things. Right now we only have 1 TV and we pretty much always agree on what we watch. When we move to the new place, we will have multiple living rooms and Nathan will even have a Man Cave. Will we continue to stay in the same room together or will we separate.

For most people that have known me most of my life you know I am a bit on the messy side. I am not dirty by any means, but tend to throw my clothes on the floor, kick my shoes off and throw my coat wherever I want. My mom will tell you that she used to know exactly what I did every second I was home by the messes I would leave behind me. Right now, Nathan does most of the "picking up". He is a bit of a neat freak. But a one bedroom apartment is a lot different then a 3 bedroom 4-floor split level house. I imagine I will need to step it up a bit and stop being so messy. This is obviously something that I need to do anyways.

I am not really one for dishes either. I have sensitive skin. :)  I do most of the cooking and Nate does the cleaning up.  He will say he is starting to wonder how much time I actually spend in the kitchen compared to the time that he spends in the kitchen, once again cleaning up my messes.  Whoops. He is probably correct on that and I dont take his threats of wearing a stop clock lightly, as I know that I will lose that one.

Realizing all of this makes me wonder how marketable I would have been 50 years ago. I am not very domesticated and don't really have an plans on becoming more. The funny thing is that I grew up in a single-parent family. A Mom. She cooked, cleaned, baked, grew a garden, planted flowers...she did all of the "womans work" that was supposed to be done around the house. But with supervision by her father or one of her brothers she also did a lot of the male roles as well, such as build a deck, lay a patio, drill holes in the wall, fix a toilet. Ok, so I grew up with a Mom that took on both roles...the male and the female. But I also grew up next to my Grandparents who were very much so "old-fashioned" that it actually used to make me sick to my stomach. My Grandma cooks, cleans and did all of the womans work. My Grandpa did all of the mans work. My Grandma never had her own money, never put gas in her own car, and could not tell you probably what a lawn mower was used for. (thats a big of an exaggeration but you get the point).

I used to always say that I never wanted to be like my Grandma. I wanted to make all of my own money, I wanted to know how to do everything and I was never going to do house work. I could pay someone to do that. The only thing I ever enjoyed doing with my Grandma was laundry. You see my Grandma is a bit of a laundry Nazi. She sorts all of the clothes by colors. And when I say colors, I really mean colors. Pinks with pinks, purples with purples and so on. She was a stay at home mom turned grandma that had all of the time in the world and I am sure  my Grandpa never complained about the water bill to her because she doesn't understand money. She would wash a load of 4 shirts if she didn't have anything else that matched it. To me, this was insane. I used to laugh at her, but set there with her and sort clothes. I would wear something to school on Monday and by Tuesday night it would be back in my closet. She was a warrior that woman. She started laundry at 4:00am just to be able to do all the loads in the day. To me, this was resilient . I finally saw something in my Grandma that was real, and from this point on my idea of her changed forever. My Grandma can't do the laundry anymore becuase she cant get up and down the stairs. She yells at everyone that does the laundry because they dont do it right. They just dont understand how to do laundry. They take for granted all that we had when we were younger, how nice our clothes always looked, how they never lost their color, how they were never wrinkled and how they never shrunk. My Grandma knows all the tricks to make laundry perfect. If there is one thing I can give my future husband and future children, it will be perfect laundry.

So, my boyfriend might do all of the cleaning and he might do all of the picking up, but there is one thing that I can do for him and that is laundry. And I will always be pleased to do it. I dont care if people look at me weird for sorting my laundry the way I do. I will look at them and tell them, this is the only domesticated thing that I know how to do. Let me do it! :)

Makes you really think,,,

So I have a co-worker who's 27 year old wife was just diagnosed with cancer. She has made the decision to have a full mastectomy. Ive been reading her blog and reading how she has been dealing with this, the thoughts that have been going through her mind. My heart is breaking for this woman and for this family and it really makes you think about things.

This woman has 3 children, 2 of which are her own. She was facing the fact that she might not ever be able to have children again. That, breaks my heart as well. 

I am 24 years old. I have met the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with yet we havent had children yet. What would I do? What decision would I make? Take the chance of the cancer coming back in the future by leaving my ovaries in my body, or take my ovaries out. Wow. That puts a lot of things in perspective.

I guess I am thank-ful that it is not me in the situation, but my heart is breaking that someone else is in that situation. I hope that I am never been put in that situation, but understand that if I am, I have enough people around me that would support me through it and I am sure I would be forced to make the decisions that are best for my future, and the people in my life's future. 

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness

Today, I was looking back through my old facebook posts and it is so weird to think about my life prior to about 5 months ago. I guess I would have placed myself as a wanderer. I was just kind of making decisions based on the people in my life at that time, not really what I wanted. I guess I knew that I wanted to leave South Dakota and I could have gone anywhere, but I came to Cedar Falls because there is where all of my friends were. It was the obvious decision (and clearly from meeting Nathan, its the best decision I ever made).  At that time I didnt know what I was going to do, I knew I would work at Hy-Vee because thats what I always did. I knew I was going to go to school, but didnt know what for or really even why.  I just made decisions based on what I was supposed to do, or what everyone else was doing. I was on a pursuit of happiness and really not having much luck.

I decided in May of 2010 that I was going to take control of my life. I quit my job without having another job. Something I would never do, ever again by the way! I decided I was going to go back to school, into a field that I really didn't know much about, but seemed kind of cool. Another thing I don't do, make decisions lightly. I was in a relationship that seemed to be going ok. We were happyish. I knew it wasn't forever, and that was fine. Just kind of another stop on my pursuit of happiness.

I started CBE in May and met tons of people. I met people around my age and started having people to hang out with, talk with, share stories with. It was great. Once again breaks were great, going out was even better, and the talk between cubicles was priceless. I finally felt that I maybe wasnt on the pursuit of happiness anymore, but more so riding the happiness train.  This is also around the time that I met Nathan. 

Since I've been with Nathan I have defiantly been on the happiness train. I am riding it, and don't plan to ever get off. This has been the greatest adventure on my pursuit of happiness. The happiness that I have found, and love and enjoyed. I know people may judge us and say that we are just in the honeymoon stage of our relationship at this point, but this....this is our life. Happiness is our togetherness. I am so happy that I have found my pursuit of happiness and that I and living LIFE and enjoying my liberties with my best friend! 

So, I'm hanging out and enjoying the ride, and I hope everyone else finds their happiness as well!! 

Driving

You know, my whole driving life I have never been good at it. I have tried to say that I just speed bu that doesn't mean that I am a bad driver. Well, I am finally coming to the conclusion and finally admitting to myself that I am a terrible driver.  I chalk it up to every thing else in my life that I'm not good at, I just don't have time! HAHA

But seriously, I constantly see accidents everywhere because people do not pay attention and that is just my case. I dont pay attention at all. I am usually messing around with my phone, or digging through my purse or staring at people. Its such a bad habit and even though I am so conscience of it, I don't do anything about it.

Well. from now on I am going to start making a conscience effort to pay more attention because I understand that a car is a dangerous piece of equipment and I need to be more responsible.

So for all my haters my whole life....I am finally admitting that I am a BAD driver!! Terrible to be exact!

Things I want to do

So, there are alot of things that I have wanted to do for a while that I just havent done. Partly because of money and partly because I didnt really have anybody who wanted to do it with me.

For instance I love going on road trips. I love staying in hotels and I love just experiencing fun, new things. I can be a homebody at times, but I really just love to get out and do something.  Now that I have a job that gives me amble PTO to take time off work, I am making sure that this year, and from here on out I do the things that I want to do no matter if I end up doing them alone or not!

For starters, I have always wanted to go to Galena, IL. I have heard that it is a beautiful town and I have always just wanted to have a romantic weekend there. So I paid for one. Now we just have to have a weekend to go!

I have also been wanting to go to Chicago forever. I love the city, I love the atmospher, and I love getting away. So for Nathans birthday in July we will be going to Chicago and going to a White Sox/Cubs game! It will be soo much fun!

I really want to go to a nice lake somewhere this summer as well and stay in a cabin. We used to do stuff like that when I was a kid all of the time and I miss it. I like the outdoors when I want to be out there. (haha) I love floating on a tube in the lake and just kicking back and relaxing. A nice fire at night to roast some marshmellows is always fun too!

I also would like to take a trip to the Kansas City area soon! I too love that city and would prefer to go in the summer so we could go to Worlds of Fun/Oceans of Fun. But we will see! I like going to Royals games too down there!!

Well, there is a bit of a list of things that I would like to start doing. The way I look at is is I'm young, there is no better time then now to do all of this stuff, so why not do it??

Being Proactive

So the company that I work for, The CBE Group, paid for our entire company to go through a program by Franklin Covey called 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. There are 7 Habits that seem like common sense, but they aren't easy. The first one is "Being Proactive".  Lately I have struggled with this a lot because what exactly is being proactive. In each situation it can mean a different thing. We just had a Covey Booster last week that I went through about Being Proactive, and the instructor said that people who sit back and do nothing can be just as ineffective as people who always jump up to do something. I would say that I am a reactive person, and it some sense I am a proactive-reactive person in my own mind, but when the situation is all said and done, I was really just a reactive person and didn't make the situation any better at all.

There is a part that they tell you to give yourself a "wedgie" before you react so that you can sit and think before you say something that you will later regret. I have started to do this a lot with my sister and my mom. I often times just end the call to give myself to give me a wedgie so I dont say anything that we all know I WILL regret later. The bad part about this, is that I am not being proactive about the situation and I am just giving myself more time to come up with something even more mean to come back the next time I talk to them. Yes, this is terrible and its not helping anything at all.

So, I really took to heart what I've learned and been told thus far, and I have realized that this "proactive-reactive" attitudue that I think I have is really just a reactive attitude and I need to realize what I need to do to become a more proactive person.

So...if you know me and my quick mouth...here goes nothing!!

Ruining surprises!!!!

Ok, so never before in my life have I been good at keeping surprises. I just have a big mouth and I like to tell everything that I know. If you are part of my life, you just have come to realize this, or you dont tell me anything. Either works for me!

Welllll, the hard part about this is now having a boyfriend and getting him things. His birthday isnt even until July and he already knows what he is getting. Also, I told him this weekend what I was getting him for Valentine's day and he gave me my present!!

I keep saying that I want to be completely surprised when I get proposed to...but lets be real, we all know that I want to know every little detail!

I hope I cant talk him into telling me when it comes time! I'm pretty persuasive...I mean I am a debt collector!!

WWWWHHHHYYYYYY????

I would like to think that I am not a very jealous person. Actually I would like to say that I'm not a jealous person at all. Of course when really great things happen to people there is that little bit of everyone that says "ahh I'm jealous", but mine is usually out of pure happiness for that other person. I really try and live my life loving every minute of it, because its mine, and its something no one else can have. That in itself is enough reason to live my life for me!

I do understand that there are alot of jealous people out there, and I honestly feel bad for them. It must be so terrible to live life always wishing you had something else, or you were in a different situation. You are shorting the people in your life, but most of all you are shorting yourself out of a great life, yours!

The thing with this is that, lately I have become a jealous person. I see something or hear something about certain people or situations and it just makes me so mad inside. I ask myself "why?" quite a bit. First and foremost, WHY AM I GETTING JEALOUS?? I never have before, EVER! I even had a boyfriend that prided himself on hitting on anything that was near him, even if i was right in front of him, and I never ever ever got jealous. Some might say its because I didn't care as much about him. Which might be true. But this feeling sucks.  I have also been asking myself, why would you do that? Why do other people continue to live their lives day end and day out if they are so unhappy. Its your life you can change it to be whatever you want it to be. 

This is probably not making a lot of sense, because it doenst to me. All I know is that I have this feeling that I get, I hate how I get it, and I hate that it even exists. I am not a jealous person, AT ALL. I want to go back to not having these feelings. But until then, I will suck it up and realize that I care alot about the people in my life in the moment that I am in and maybe that is why I am finally feeling this awful feeling. 

Things that bother me lately

Sorry in advance if this offends anyone.

Lately, for some reason, a lot of things that never used to bother me have REALLY started to annoy me. To the point where I just need to get it out.  Here are a few of those things, hopefully I feel better when its done.

First--People who share a facebook page with their spouse. This doesn't bother me as much if only one person uses it, but when people flip back and forth between users and you can't really tell who it is. My opinion, not that you asked for it, is that if you are BOTH going to use facebook, then please, have your own facebook.

Second--People who thank God for EVERYTHING. As most people know, I am not a believer. So to me, it is quite annoying, but I get that some people need to believe to get through their day and that is fine. But really, you don't need to thank god for letting you take a shit that day. Quite frankly, it is science that allowed you to take a shit.  Or the thing that annoys me the most is "I'm not going to worry about money, because god will provide." No. The way you will get money is by getting off your ass and getting a job. This is the same mindset of people who are getting government assistance. "Why work when the government will provide". I am sorry but if one more person on the phone tells me they will pay their bill when God provides it to them. IT IS DUE NOW.  Sorry, but when you sign up for a service you know there will be a bill due, if you don't have the money, then why would you sign up?? 

Third--WRONG NUMBERS. If you know me, then you know that I have a phone job. So here is a little advice for people. If your number is getting called and it is a wrong number, simply say "wrong number" when the person asks you for a better number, because trust me, they will. Say "I don't know that person"  If you say "they aren't available" the person will call back. When I ask you for a better number and you say "wrong number" again. You aren't answering my question. I get that it is a wrong number, I am trying to find a better number to contact them.

Fourth--BITCHES.  Seriously, I have met more bitches in the last few months then I have ever met in my life. And if you knew me back in high school, you know how big of a bitch I was. But these people take the cake. It is ridiclious that decisions that I make in my life are like front page news these days.  Its annoying that rumors get started about such exciting news as being engaged, when its not true at all. I fell like when I finally do get to announce that I'm engaged it wont be as special, because everyone already thought I was.

FIFTH--IGNORANT PEOPLE. Lately I have also bet a lot of ignorant people. It should be no surprise that a lot of these people are people from number 4 as well. But anyways, here is my thing. Choosing not to educate yourself in todays world is the stupidest decision that you can make. There are so many things going on in the world and decisions that are being made that will directly affect not only our own future but our children's direct future. I think that as a person you need to be so aware of these things to make decisions about your family and your own future choices. I just could not imagine not being educated and choosing to be ignorant yet these people openly admit that they are ignorant and they love it...quite stupid if you ask me.

Anyways, that is enough for today. I feel a little better!!

Who am I when you're not looking?

Wow!! I heard this song for the first time the other day and it is ME!! I cant believe it!! Well maybe not the "you're so good looking" thing, but all of the little quotes in between are ME!!!




My, oh, my, you're so good looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all you're cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking

Do you pour a little something on the rocks
Slide down the hallway in your socks
When you undress, do you leave a path
Then sing through your nose in a bubble bath

My, oh, my, you're so good looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all you're cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking

I want to know, I want to know, I want to know

Do you break things when you get mad
Eat a box of chocolate cause you're feeling bad
Do you paint your toes cause you bite your nails
And call up mama when all else fails

Who are you when I'm not around
When the door is locked and the shades are down
Do you listen to your music quietly
And when it feels just right are you thinking of me?

I want to know, I want to know, I want to know

My, oh, my, you're so good looking
But who are you when I'm not looking




And all I have to say is that I am sooooo happy that I have found somebody who knows exactly who I am when he isnt around, and he loves me anyways! Because trust me... I do A LOT of things that would make a person think twice when everyone isn't around.  Such as when I'm sick, I stick kleenex up my nose and sit around the house so I dont have to blow my nose! :) 

What's Missing?

So people who read this can judge me all they want, call me crazy, laugh at me...etc and truthfully I hope that they do! :)

You know when you are in a relationship and there is just something missing but you don't know what that is. Well I finally figured out what has been missing in all of my relationships until now. That is commitment.  I love commitment in any form and it is like I need it on a daily basis to get through. Not just long term commitment, but what are we going to do tonight? what are we going to eat tomorrow? I need commitment in all aspects. It is no surprise to most people that know me that I don't do well with change. I like for , and things to work like clock work and for that to happen you need commitment.

Well, that is exactly what I have in this relationship...in all aspects.  People may think we are moving to fast, they may think that we are being stupid, or jumping into things, but only we know how we feel and truly that is all that matters right?

We talk about the future like it is happening tomorrow and I love it. We have already decided to move in together in June and are currently looking for a house or duplex.  We talk about our wedding all the time. It is actually kind of disgusting how much we do! (not really. I LOVE it).  But its not only the long term commitment I love about him, its all the little things that he does throughout the day to show his commitment and to really show he understands how much I need things planned.

For instance just today, I have been talking about wanting to go see my Grandma for quite sometime now and today, MONDAY, he says "So, were going to go down and see your Grandma this weekend right?"  I just LOVE it. We already have our weekend planned and we are committed to it.

I don't know if this really makes sense to a lot of people, but for someone who grew up with not a lot of stability, having someone in my life who is willing to go the extra mile to make sure that my life is fulled with stability and commitment, it means the world to me....and I truly cant wait to spend the rest of my life being committed to each other and our day to day life.

Grieving

There are no words to describe the pain that I feel from losing my Grandpa. Every call I make home I am waiting to hear that deep monotone voice answer the phone saying "hellllo" and then as soon as you say hello back he says "wanna talk to your grandma". I wait and wait, and that doenst happen, and it wont...and it breaks my my heart.

I dont know how to grieve his loss because I dont know how to accept that he is gone. The longer I stay in Cedar Falls and the more I pretend that he just isnt answering the phone it will all go away, right?  Wrong. Im afraid that I am going about this all the wrong ways.  I know this because when I lay in bed at night my eyes well up and I do all that I can do to hold back tears, hold back completely breaking down.  I think that I just need to let myself do it, I need to let myself let go. Letting go is too scary for me though.

While going through the process of losing my Grandpa, I didnt spend much time at the hospital. I was there for a couple hours at a time and then would leave to take care of my Grandma, run errands for the family, wrap Christmas presents, etc.  I couldnt sit there and watch this man that was my rock, my unbreakable man lay in a hospital bed withering away to nothing.  Now that he is gone I am catching myself regretting not spending those last moments with him.  I am almost beating myself up about it. Thinking in my head "as my Grandpa was taking some of his lasts breaths I was out eating lunch with Nate"  I know that there is nothing wrong with this as my Grandpa and I had talked about how I felt about his final days, but I still cant change the way I feel and what I am thinking.

I guess at this point what I'm saying is that I need to grieve the loss of my Grandpa...but I dont know how to let go.  I feel that once I start grieving I will be letting go of the feelings I have towards my Grandpa. And I dont want that to happen.

I guess its probably time I maybe ask for help on this.

Trust

Everyone has a different view on trust and I think that is what makes relationships fail and survive. Me personally, I think that trust is something that evolves and matures as the relationship does.  When you are in a relationship with someone there is really no way that you can fully trust them right away. As you have experiences and grow together so does your trust for each other.

For me, trust isnt much of an issue. I have always trusted people until they show me otherwise. That may be a fault of mine, and I think it has hurt me in different circumstances, but it's just my beliefs. If someone doenst trust me, I dont mind. I understand that I must ear their trust and that if I care about the relationship enough, then I will fight for that trust.

I understand that people have had things happen in their life that changes their trust issue. It breaks my heart when I hear some of the things that people have done to others. I just could never live with myself if I broke someone's heart.

My Grandfather-My Best Friend

Grandfather. The dictionary would define you as a noun, the father of one's mother or father. To me, you were so much more. You were just as the word sounds a grand father. You were a man you didn't have to be and from a very young age I even thought that you were my 'father' and chose to call you Dad until they broke me of that habit.  As far back as I can remember it was me and you, together, against the world.  Where ever you were, I wanted to be, whatever you were doing, I did too.  I can remember sitting in the chair with you watching T.V. and falling asleep on your "water bed" as we called your belly.  I can remember 'helping' you pack your supper to take into Maytag. I'm sure I wasnt much help but you never said a thing, you always just let me help you.  

To me, even from a young young age you were untouchable, unbreakable.  The man who knew everyone and everything. My hero.  I didnt realize back then that carrying that belief with me my whole life would make losing you even harder. You always said "its along ways from your heart". But this pain Grandpa, its right in the middle of my heart and it doesn't go away.  If you were here you would tell me to suck it up, and that everything will be ok.  

I remember the first time you called me girl, I thought it was your little nickname for me. I quickly realized that you called us all girl, so you didn't have to remember our names! There are things that were just between me and you though Gramps.  Like stopping at Jersey Freeze on our way back from Red Rock and you saying "shh don't tell Nannie" or when you would pick me up from school sick and stop at Burger King to get me french friends and a strawberry shake. You always said the salt would fix my throat and the shake was to chase the fries! But secertly you knew that when we got home and you went to work, Nannie would make me drink warm 7-up and gargle salt water all night long. We also never told Nannie about the time you made Hamburger Helper that was so bad we both spit it out and laughed and laughed and then went and ate at Midtown. What about the time I came home crying because Chad and the other neighbor boys wouldn't let me play. You told me "girl, you've got your whole life to chase boys, now one thing you need to learn is you need to let them chase you too". So that next day I came back crying again, this time all bloodied up, and between Nannies screams you asked me what happend, I told you I was pedaling on my bike as fast as I could so the boys would be chasing me. Once Nannie left the bathroom to get more towels you high-fived me and said "that's my girl!" There are so many moments just like that Grandpa. I could go on and on.  I will never forget you whispering into my ear at my first prom that I would be the prettiest girl at the dance, or when you told me on move in day at college that this was one of the proudest moments of your life. There are so many things that I will remember about you Grandpa, so many things that you have taught me, engraved in me, and built for me. 

As my life went on you always told me I didn't have to make time for you. You knew I was busy and you wanted me to be out with my friends and enjoying life. Grandpa there is nothing I would have rather been doing then sitting outside with you scratching away a crossword lottery ticket, or sitting inside laughing and talking with you.  There is nothing better in life to me then to hear your stories and your adventures.  But the greatest thing I liked to hear was you telling me you loved me. You always said there was no joy like the joy your Grandkids have brought you, and Grandpa there is no joy like the joy you have brought us. 

A couple months before you started getting really sick, we laid in your bed and talked about life. You told me to make sure I take time to live. You said money makes you happy and takes the worry away, but you found out the first time you ever held Afton that there is time for worry, because when you look into your families eyes all the worry goes away.  You told me to make sure I take risks, and not be afraid to fail. You told me you could never be disappointed in me and I can fail as many times as I want, as long as I succeed that one time.  You told me to make sure I marry a boy who loves his Mom, you didn't care if your boys were mama-boys because if he isn't a mama-boy he isn't a good boy.  But you did tell me to make sure I let that boy know that you could still shoot a shot gun from heaven, and if he ever hurt your little girl, you wouldn't be afraid to make some noise. I told you I couldn't imagine life without you, and there was so much I didn't know how to do, because you always did it for me. You told me I would learn, and if I ever needed any help to look beside me, because you would be standing there helping me.  You asked me to make you two promises that day, and I told you I didn't make promises I couldn't keep. Grandpa, I told you I couldn't promise you I wouldn't hurt, because this is the greatest pain I have ever felt, but I will always keep up our other promise. You told me that day the greatest worry you had was not being able to walk your little girl down the aisle. You made me promise you I would never let anybody else walk me down the aisle because you would be there with me walking each step with me. And Grandpa I promise you, when that day comes, well let's be serious here, IF that day every comes, I will walk down that aisle with YOU, walking each step with me.  

So Gramps, today I hurt, but tomorrow, tomorrow I will pull up my big girl panties and I will deal with it. Just like you always told me too. I will continue living life the way you wanted me too and I will continue to grow into the beautiful woman you alway said I would be.  But one thing that will never change, I will always be your baby girl. I love you more than anything in the world!