Tuesday, January 18, 2011


There are no words to describe the pain that I feel from losing my Grandpa. Every call I make home I am waiting to hear that deep monotone voice answer the phone saying "hellllo" and then as soon as you say hello back he says "wanna talk to your grandma". I wait and wait, and that doenst happen, and it wont...and it breaks my my heart.

I dont know how to grieve his loss because I dont know how to accept that he is gone. The longer I stay in Cedar Falls and the more I pretend that he just isnt answering the phone it will all go away, right?  Wrong. Im afraid that I am going about this all the wrong ways.  I know this because when I lay in bed at night my eyes well up and I do all that I can do to hold back tears, hold back completely breaking down.  I think that I just need to let myself do it, I need to let myself let go. Letting go is too scary for me though.

While going through the process of losing my Grandpa, I didnt spend much time at the hospital. I was there for a couple hours at a time and then would leave to take care of my Grandma, run errands for the family, wrap Christmas presents, etc.  I couldnt sit there and watch this man that was my rock, my unbreakable man lay in a hospital bed withering away to nothing.  Now that he is gone I am catching myself regretting not spending those last moments with him.  I am almost beating myself up about it. Thinking in my head "as my Grandpa was taking some of his lasts breaths I was out eating lunch with Nate"  I know that there is nothing wrong with this as my Grandpa and I had talked about how I felt about his final days, but I still cant change the way I feel and what I am thinking.

I guess at this point what I'm saying is that I need to grieve the loss of my Grandpa...but I dont know how to let go.  I feel that once I start grieving I will be letting go of the feelings I have towards my Grandpa. And I dont want that to happen.

I guess its probably time I maybe ask for help on this.

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