Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The loss of control. My Struggle with PCOS

I, my name is Amanda, and I am a control freak. Always have been, probably always will be. 

For as long as I can remember, I have liked to be in control. Before we would go on family vacations I would make an itinerary, I always set the table and got all the drinks for meals. To me it was like dictating where people sat and what they drank. I dropped out of high school for 3 days my junior year because they told me I couldn't miss as many days anymore. To me, it's all about having the upper hand. 

I bought my own car and paid for my cell phone so my Mom couldn't take it away from me. I had internet installed in our house and paid for it so she couldn't take it away from me. I became a Crew Trainer at McDonalds when I was 16 years old. I ran my own Sprint store by the time I was 23. 

It's not even that I like control, it's the fact that I need it. I need to know everything that is always going on so I can be prepared and know ahead of time what could go wrong. Sometimes I try to step back from the role, at work, in my marriage, but it never works out. I am a better person and a better employee when I have control of the situation I am in. 

Fighting infertility takes all of your control away. I always said I would get married, get pregnant and have 3 kids 18 months apart. Ha! Funny how that works. 

I find myself looking for opportunities to take control of the situation. For instance, she said I can take the clomid day 3-7 or day 5-9. I will make the choice and that will put me back in control. 

Lately I have felt like my whole life is unravelling because I have lost control of this one area of my life. It sounds crazy, I know. It's why I work/live best in a world with limited people. I wouldn't say that my friends/family roll over and let me take control, I think it's just a natural role I take on. 

My Mom keeps telling me to "Let go and Let God". Easy for her to say. She still calls me to ask me what she should wear certain places! ;) 

I am trying hard to realize that I have no control over this, it is going to happen when it's supposed to happen. 

It just happens to be the hardest battle this control freak is facing! 

No comments:

Post a Comment