Too funny! My Struggle With PCOS

Nathan talked to someone who is also experiencing infertility last week and I think he got a different perspective on things then he has had before. 

While he was telling me some of the things they talked about I was watching his body language and his facial expressions. You could tell that he had so much sympathy for this guy and how he was feeling bad for his wife. I could tell that a part of him was thinking 'they have it so much worse then us'. 

After he was done telling his story, and how he told him to tell his wife to check out my blog (scored some points there), I asked him what he thought I did at all these Dr Appts I've been going to? I realized in that moment maybe I hadn't been that great of a communicator with him. 

This is not a 'dog on my husband' post by any means, it just goes to show the point that SO many people have no idea what people suffering from infertity go through every day! Even someone who is experiencing it right along with you! 

Nathan is super busy at work, so I have tried not to bother him with any of this. One of my top strengths is responsibility and I tend to shoulder everything, regardless if it is my responsibility or not. I have viewed this whole situation as my responsibility, so I shoulder all the weight of it. He just gets to deal with the fun stuff at home! (And boy oh boy has it been FUN!) It was an eye opening conversation though! 

It was a little like this: 

You know how I don't take a lunch on Thursdays and leave work an hour early? Yeah, I'm just not hanging out! I have to go have blood drawn! Some times it get right in, other times I sit there and wait! My arms are swollen, bruised and if people didn't know me, they might think they are track marks. 

You know when I have to go to the Dr sometimes 3 times in one week? Yeah...well, I too am VERY farmiliar with Mr . Wandman! He could at least ask me out for coffee before he violates me in that way! (Only other infertility friends will get that joke!) Let's just say I never thought I would have my feet in stirrups more than I have in the last couple of months! 

You know how I call you so frustrated I could just scream? Yeah, that's because they keep telling me 'they don't know why' I'm not ovulating! "It just doesn't make sense!"

None of it is fun, and I am sure for a man, who wants to cherish and protect their wife, it is really not fun. Maybe I have sheltered Nathan from the worst of it all for a reason! I know that Nathan is my lifeline through this. It seems that whenever I am having a really rough day he is there to pick me up. He is always so positive and so encouraging. I am thankful he hasn't had to experience the worst of it all. I don't want him to have the jaded outlook I do. But it's also a lesson that I should have been more open about it to him. No one really wants to hear from someone else how bad their loved one could be hurting. 

I think it all goes back to the #1 most important thing I have learned! Communicate, communicate, communicate! It's the only way you can experience something like this and still make it work! 

My apologies! My Struggle With PCOS

I need to apologize! I started this blog to have fun! I wanted to get my feelings off my chest and make people laugh while I did it. My life is pretty comedic and I am an open book, so why not right? 

Unfortunately, things changed a little bit and I saw myself getting more and more negative and complaining more and more. I found myself reading blog after blog to get validation on how shitty I felt. 

So, I've taken a step back this week to really take some time to clear my head. Infertility can slowly creep in and one day you wake up and realize it consumes your whole life. I woke up thinking about it, went to bed thinking about it and thought about it all the times in between. 

It's rough. It's not fun, and last week I was in a really bad place. 

Here are some updates: 

1.  Clomid hates me. I can't sleep, can't stop sweating and can't stop getting the worse Charlie Horses known to man. Last week between Tuesday-Friday, I slept a total of 3.5 hours. I just can't sleep. It is the worst insomnia I have ever had in my life. Add a pretty rough week at work on top of that and life was anything but pretty. (I'm surprised my husband is still alive and has all of his man parts. It was bad. Like...really bad!)

2. My emotions are CRAZY! Seriously! I am all over the place! Pissed off (better then pissed on my Mom said), bitter, sad, anxious, nervous! Everything all rolled in to one. If someone looked at me the wrong way I was all over them. (I'm surprised my husband didn't divorce me last week! It was bad. Like...really bad!) :) 

3. I'm about at the end of my rope. (So I'm gonna tie a knot and hold on!). Even with the clomid, I am not ovulating. The Dr says that I am, but she is also not doing any monitoring, so who even knows. I put her on notice this month! Told her if she didn't give me more concrete information, I was going somewhere else! (Told you last week was bad!) I am probably going to be going some where else anyways, if there is no pregnancy this month, next month we will be doing the artifical insemination anyways, so I will need to go to a fertility specialist. I maybe should have started there anyways. 

4. People are insensitive. I've been pretty open about my problems to everyone, never in a million years thinking people would use it as fuel against me! This last couple of weeks I have heard it all. "Being on fertility drugs is no excuse to be a bitch!" (Touché!) "I'm making life more stressful for my husband and I!" (Yup, that was my plan) "You'll never be able to give Nathan the happiness he deserves" (can't type what I wanted to say to THAT person!) "You're taking the fact you can't get pregnant and I can out on me!" (No, I'm taking the fact that I haven't slept in 3 days and the fact that you are insensitive out on you!)

5. I have a choice. I can be bitter and run down and frustrated and alienate myself from everyone in my life, OR, I can put my big girl panties on and deal with it! (And as I was reminded today, girls in big girl panties don't cry!) I am choosing to put on my big girl panties! No one said this was going to be easy. I certainly know that life is not all roses and sunshines so why did I think this would be! You get disappointed in life by setting unrealistic expectations! I can no longer be nieve about the situation. Changing my way of thinking will change a lot I believe! 

People can suck and life can suck, but allowing yourself to suck is not the way to live life! Sitting on the couch all weekend, refusing to do anything, and watching your husband so 15 loads of laundry because you haven't done jack crap in a month is no way to live life! (Welllll...I mean...I COULD live life that way! But I shouldn't!) Treating the people closest to you and spreading your own bitterness is no way to live life! 

Tomorrow is a new day! It will be better (wellll, maybe not! I work 7:30-5, so maybe I should start my new outlook on Sunday!) But seriously, I have a great life! I just have to remember that! 

I will be better! I promise! 

People ask... My Struggle With PCOS

People often ask 'how are you doing?'. I know that it comes from the heart and I truly appreciate people's concern. It is just so hard to explain. 

How am I doing? Well, that is a loaded question. I feel as though I am going through the motions every day, but I'm not really there. 

There are some people who just get it. And that is wonderful. They know that this sucks. It's the hardest battle I have ever fought. It's not like I have cancer or some other illness that people can see. It is a silent illness and it is kind of taboo to talk about. These people are the ones who simply say 'I'm thinking about you' or 'I'm praying for you!'. They know I can't relax, I will always keep trying and no, things don't always happen when they're supposed to. 

Then there are the people who don't get it at all, and no fault of their own. These are the people who don't see what the big deal is. They think I'm adding extra stress onto an already pretty stressful life. They're the ones that can't see the sings of an illness, so they think it's made up. They don't understand that between Tuesday and Friday of last week I slept roughly 3.5 hours. They don't understand that I still had to get up every day, plaster a smile on and face the day. They're the ones that say I am 'on edge' or my favorite 'look like shit!'. I know I do, but the most I had in me that morning was to throw clothes on. That is it. 

I wish talking about infertility wasnt taboo. I wish it was easy to tell people what is going on and how I feel. But it's a pretty touchy subject and a lot of the problems are pretty personal. Just know, when you ask me how I'm doing and I reply "I'm fine!", there is a lot more to that answer! 

Cool(??) Kids My Struggle With PCOS

I often times think about what our children are going to look like and how they are going to act. Nathan and I are complete opposites, so I always wonder if they will be just like one of us or a mix between the two of us? (In my humble opinion, I think a mix between the two of us would be the perfect person! Nathan has it all, he could just use a little more aggression! I have too much aggression, so it would even it all put!)

Nathan looks exactly like his Dad and I look exactly like my Mom. I wonder if our genes are so strong that one would be more dominant?? (Mine of course!)

One thing I know for sure is they will probably have glasses! We are both as blind as a bat, so it just makes sense that our kids will be too! I am sure they will be little nerds, which I am okay with! (Yes dear, you can sit inside and read your 1000 page book today! Actually, please do! Let me know when you're finished and we will start another!) I will always support my kids in being a nerd! I am one and Nathan is one too! (I mean the dude has a a full set of Ghostbusters figurines on his desk at work! With a light up firehouse. Total nerd!)

This will be our daughter: 

Glasses wearing, book reading, take charge kind of gal! 

This will be our son:

Glasses wearing, deep thinking, suit wearing guy! 

At the end of the day, no matter how our children turn out, they will be ours and that is all that matters! (I truly hope they are nerds though!)

My Dog Ate My Clomid Pills My Struggle With PCOS

What? Yeah, that's right! Jack ate my clomid pills. Wrapper and all. 

I thought I heard him jumping up against the counter but I didn't think anything of it. 

Then all I found that was left was the Baggie they came in. 

Neat Jack! Thank you so much! :)

Great Read My Struggle With PCOS

This is probably the best article I have read about husbands and infertility. I think for a husband, it has to be so very hard to see what your wife is going through day in and day out. It is a husbands natural reaction to want to protect their wife. Unfortunately, there are some things in life you can't be protected from! 

http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/05/17/sedaka.infertility.husbands/

Cheers! My Struggle With PCOS

Started Clomid again today. 

Cheers to: 

Insomnia

Cold sweats

Hot Flashes

Charlie horses

Mood swings (if my husband calls me b*tchy again this round, it's going down!!) 

Low patience 

Abdominal Cramping 

Creepy dreams 

Oh, and the possibility of getting pregnant! :) 

Both apply to the outside world and my husband! :) 

Worry-Wart My Struggle With PCOS

There are a lot of 'hard parts' about this whole process, but the hardest part is probably the anxiety of it all. 

I have struggled with anxiety for as far back as I can remember. When my Mom would leave the house I would hold onto her leg trying to convience her to stay. I somehow in my own mind had convinced myself that every time my Mom left the house, she would die. I have never slept well at night, with a fear that someone is going to break in and attack me. I've always had a hard time getting on roller coasters. Not for the fear of the loops or turns, but of the rise to the top. In my mind I would always see the thing losing grip and sailing backwards. Don't even get me started on my fear of planes. My newst paranoi is that my husband is going to pass away, my house is going to be a mess, and my husband will never forgive me for not picking up my clothes from the bathroom floor (it doesn't stop me from leaving them there though!)

Crazy right? It is all so unnatural, but it's the thoughts that live in my mind...all the time. I constantly worry about events that most likely will never happen. 

For the better part of 20 years I have been on medication for it. At times, in my mind, I get better, so I stop taking it. I eventually have to start taking it again after a panic attack or two come and go. It's not something I'm ashamed of per se, just not something I'm proud of. No one wants to be that crazy girl hovering in the corner because she thinks someone is going to break into her house. The older I've gotten, and the more that has happened in life, the worse it's gotten. If I wrote down everything that I worry about every day, I could fill page after page after page. It's endless. 

When the conversation of infertility started coming up, my Dr suggested that I go off my medicine if trying to conceive. I am literally willing to do almost anything to get pregnant, so I agreed. Probably the worst decision I've ever made. 

After an in-flight panic attack (which I'm surprised did not get me banned from flying for life), a mid-meal panic attack at a restraunt (I thought everyone was staring at how much the 'fat girl' was eating) and multiple every day little attacks, I have decided that I need the medicine to help me live a normal life. 

I called my other Dr (or as I like to refer to her 'my crazy dr') and asked her about my medicine and infertility. She said the medicine I am on is safe for women who are pregnant and breast feeding so she didn't think it would have any bearing on infertility. She told me she would do some research and get back to me. She left me a message yesterday telling me that after doing some research she did not find any reason for it to have bearing on my ability to conceive. 

So, today, I'm back to taking my medicine. 

Life is hard enough. When adding the stress of trying to conceive it can all be a bit overwhelming. I think the older I get the more I realize that I am who I am. If people judge me for having to take medicine every day to calm my anxiety, let them. There are plenty of people in my life who love me for me, anxiety and all. 

This process is stressful, it's worry some and it comes with high levels of anxiety. I stay awake at night not wanting to move so I can make sure that I get the right reading for my basal body temperature, I chug water at the same time every day to make sure I can take my ovulation tests at the same time. I worry that my counting was off and it wasn't really -5 seconds, or that my reach to the bed will disrupt my temp. Tons of thoughts floating through my mind all the time. I think we all have the right to use whatever means we have available to keep calm! 

Own who you are in life, even the crazy side. There is no one out there like you, and that's part of the beauty of this life! 

Too hard My Struggle With PCOS

If you know me in real life, then know that I am a perfectionist. Always have been. 

My Mom reminded me today that nothing in life is perfect and that is the beauty of it all. It's okay to break down, it's getting back up that is the important part. 

So, to all those who may need it today! 

It's gonna be May... My Struggle with PCOS

Well, I thought it was gonna be May. But no such luck! My little friend came to visit this morning so no Baby Jones for us this month. 

If I am completely honest with myself, I didn't think it would be May. I didn't see any of the signs of ovulation and because I couldn't test it kind of threw everything off. 

I called into my Dr because I am really confused. She says if you have consistent periods then you are ovulating. But I get no readings whatsoever so there has to be something different going on. 

She said she is going to look into my blood tests and see if there are other possible things. She says we do need to get my husband in to get him tested! Gotta check out the strength of his little swimmers! Just good to rule out and/or pin point everything. 

I am pretty devastated. I don't know why, but right now I just am. I took an early lunch to come home and wallow in my own self pity for an hour. That's all I'm going to give myself. Then I'll put my big girl panties back on and deal with it! (My Gramps would be so proud).

I called Nathan, crying of course, he said 'Well, we'll try again next month'! Yup! That's exactly what we'll do! 

For other blogger friends: 

I used to have a 35 day cycle. Like clock work. The clomid pushed me back to a 28 day cycle. Did anyone else experience this?? 

Well, my hour is almost up! I need to finish my shrimp cocktail (yupp, I maybe spoiled myself a little too! Hey, I deserve it. I'm trying to make a baby here!) and get back to work! 

It takes all types... My struggle With PCOS

I have wanted to put these thoughts into words for a while, so here goes! This might be a little jumbled and doesn't have a lot to do with PCOS or infertility. Mainly just life! 

I am not a Mom, but I desire to be one. I have a lot of friends who are Mom's, I have had a lot of mother figures in my life, and then of course there is Facebook, which is filled with Mom's. 

To me, there is no perfect Mom. Each one is doing the best she can with the circumstances she has been given. Unfortunately, it seems like there are people out there who do think they are the perfect Mom and want everyone to know they are the perfect Mom. The competition scares me. 

I want to be a Mom...desperately. But, I love my job. I love having a career. I will probably only stay home for 6 weeks and then go right back to working 9-10 hour days. It's in my blood. It is what drives me. It is what makes me feel whole. Will that make me any less of a Mom? Gosh, I hope not! Just as I don't feel women who choose to be stay at home Mom's are any less of a Mom. We are all wired differently. Different things make different people happy and content. 

I look back at my life growing up and it reminds me of the two different 'Mom's' I had. There was my Mom and then there was my Grandma (Nannie). 

My Mom was a single parent who worked full time to raise her two children. Part of our lives we lived with my Grandparents and the rest, we lived right next door. There was literally a side walk that connected the two houses. My Mom loved(s) being a Mom. She was PTA president, coached some sports for us, car pooled for my friends. But she also loved her job. That was okay. 

My mom was a very independent person. She didn't need a man for anything. (Which drove my Grandpa nuts). She got power tools for Christmas and built the deck on the back of our house by hand. She did it all. Cooked, cleaned, worked and raised us. She was super mom! 

Then there was my Grandma! Now that women...wow! She was truly the matriarch of our family. She was a stay at home Mom turned stay at home Grandma. She would feed us breakfast in the morning and get us ready for school because my Mom was already at work. She would give baths, read us books and tuck us in to bed because my Mom would go back to work. After my grandpa retired, she would have a full meal on the table at 5:30 every night for anyone who wanted to eat! There were usually quite a few people. She would have clothes washes, dryed and folded the day after you wore them. There was no dust in her house! 

She would go on walks with us, play catch, help teach us to ride bikes. She would go on rides with is at Adventureland. She did it all. Every little thing she did in life was to benefit her family and the people around her. 

The crazy thing is, growing up I didn't have a lot of respect for my grandma. I mean, I loved her more than anything in the world but I always thought how much more I wanted out of life then what she had. I wanted a job, an identity. I wanted to pump my own gas and know how to write my own checks. I didn't want to get an allowance from my husband. I wanted to be like my Mom. I wanted it all. 

The older I got, the more I realized that my Grandma being the way that she was didn't make her any less of a person than my Mom. She was just different. My Grandma sacrificed so much to put her family first because that is what made her happy, that is what filled her bucket. 

So, what I'm saying is, no matter what type of Mom I am, or you are, you just have to be the best that you can be. Do what makes you happy. Be the type that fills your bucket! At the end of the day, no one is any better then the other. Everyone is fighting the same battle! 

Mother's Day My Struggle With PCOS

To a the women out there. Some are mother's on earth, some are mothers in their heart and some spend their days praying to be a mother. We love you all! 

Happy Mother's Day! 💕

Might as well say it.... My Struggle With PCOS

I always said I would be an open book and now that there is a topic that I feel I should touch on, it scares me. I'm scared of being judged or looked down upon. I'm scared that people will think WE think we're too good. That we will never really know the suffering. That's not it at all. It's just simply our opinion. 

Nathan and I have no desire to adopt. 

There, I said it. 

Lately, as this struggle has continued (which it's only been like 6 weeks. It just seems like forever), people have started to mention and ask about adoption or fostering. 

I want to go on record to say that I think these things are amazing. I think the people who adopt and the people who foster children throughout their life are simply amazing. I commend them for it. 

Unfortunately, it is not in the cards for us. At this point we don't even know if we want to do IVF. I am sure of the time comes, we would explore that route. Just right now, it's not on our radar.  

This isn't something that we want to consume our lives. (Then why do you blog about it? Well, because I feel a lot of people do let it consume their life. And if my perspective and my feelings on this can help them, then I am content) Were going to give it the ol' college try and if it isn't in the cards for us to have kids, then it's not in the cards. 

You could say that we are selfish people. We are. We both know it and we accept it. Infertility and adoption are expensive. People work multiple jobs, take out loans, spend their entire life savings to have children. We don't want to do that. 

People always say that you can never wait until you are ready to have kids because you are never ready. I agree with that. Nathan and I will have to change our lives drastically when we have children. Neither one of us will be the center of attention anymore. We just both agree that you can be finically stable before bringing a child into the world. 

We live a certain lifestyle and we want that lifestyle for our children. If we used all of our savings and took out loans to have a child and then could not provide for it...I just couldn't do it. 

Fortunately, we are blessed to have amazing nephews and an amazing niece that we get to love on and spend time with and spoil. Our friends have children that we love as if they were our own. We get it, we will/would make great parents. We just don't want to uproot our entire lives to TRY and chase that dream. 

I absolutely want to be a mother. More than anything in the world. I just don't feel that I need it in my life to have a successful life. Some might not understand why we have put conditions on it, or where we are coming from and I get that. We won't judge your journey, so please don't judge ours. 

I will leave you with a lyric from my Mom and Dad's favorite song!

"...you don't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need."

Wow!! My Struggle with PCOS

I got a very interesting e-mail yesterday and it has taken me a while to figure out how to respond. 

Blogger writes: 

"My biggest fear through all of this is that my husband will leave me. I don't think he will leave me as in divorce me, but he will leave me as in find another relationship to provide him all the things I can't. Does this worry you? Do you talk to your husband about these kind of worries? Please help me, I am lost in all of this." 

Wow. I knew I wanted to help people, but just wow. 

1. I am lost in all of this too. I just happen to be a very confident person, that at times it doesn't show how truly broken I am. It's okay. You can be broken. We just have to figure out how to put the pieces back together. 

2. I fear(ed) my husband would leave me too. It absolutely worried me. It's natural. As humans and especially as women, we often don't feel that we are good enough and/or can meet the expectations put out in front of us. We are women. We are supposed to bear children and be Mom's. If we can't do that, we are automatically not good enough. To me, that's bullshit. No women need to bear children or be a Mom to be good enough. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am me, and that is good enough! 

3. Your fear of how your husband would leave you kind of worries me. Communication through this whole process is huge. I talk to my husband about everything. He is my absolute best friend. He hears the good, the bad and the ugly. I have no finesse, like none at all. I am blunt and to the point. I say how I feel with no regards to other people's feelings. I speak and then apologize later. Talking comes easy to be, sharing my feelings comes easy. Sometimes this can cause much pain and hurt in our relationship, but we talk through that as well! 

4. I think my fear of my husband leaving me came from him not wanting this as much as me. That is why it is so very important that you communicate each and every detail with your husband so he knows where you are coming from and you know where he is coming from. My husband doesn't not want this, but I am his wife first, and to him that is the most important thing. My health and my happiness is all that matters to him. So seeing me unhappy or devastated month after month isn't really worth it to him. He would rather see me happy all the time. We just had to calibrate on why we each felt the way that we felt. I have an obsessive personaility, so I instantly became obsessed without even letting the feelings or information settle over me. It takes my husband a whole to process things. I have to be okay with giving him the room to think through these things. 

It will never be perfect. I can't sit here and tell you it will. Just the other night I was crying so terribly bad I made myself sick multiple times. My husband told me to "knock it off and stop crying", rolled over and went back to sleep. I gave him the silent treatment the next day and that night we sat down and talked about it. I could have let my mind go places that it didn't need to go, but I chose not to. 

I have fought a lot of battles in my life, but this is the hardest one. It is also the easiest because I know that my husband is standing beside me every step of the way! Let yours be what holds you up! You can't fight this alone! 

If you need to talk, send me more emails! It might be easier if you include your name! Add me on Facebook! We can fight this together! 

"You're life is easy!" My Struggle With PCOS

I am still pissed at myself today, so I am writing a negative blog. I'm sorry. It's only negative I guess to the people that think this way, others might relate. 

So, I was told by someone who has three children that my life is "so easy" and I shouldn't complain. I have no idea what a hard life is, since I don't have children of course!  Well, okay. Thank you for that in depth look into my life, glad you can leave your comment. 

They are right. Those people that have children. I get it. I don't have kids to take care of. So by default, my life is easy. Makes total sense. I just never put two and two together that having children defined the difficulty of your life. 

Let's look at things from a different  perspective. 

While you are cursing (not literally, I hope) your children in the morning to get out the door, I am taking by basal body temperature to check ovulation, then pissing on a stick and wishing 3 God forsaken minutes to see if I am ovulating or not, all while trying to rush myself out the door. 

While you wake up in the middle of the night to a screaming hungry baby,  I wake up in the middle of the night with hot flashes that are so riduclious I literally have to change my sheets. Oh, and bone deep pain cramps. Like Charlie horses, all over my body. Some nights I am so hot, I can't get back to sleep unless I take a freezing cold shower to cool me down. 

While you're running kids to this soccer game or that dance class, I am making Dr appts, charting my temp, my mucus level, my sex life. Every intimate detail. You know, all the things you really want to put down on paper! 

While you're writing checks for daycare and diapers, I am wondering how in the hell am I going to pay for another 6 weeks of lab tests at $70 a pop. Or how many more $406 ultra sounds I will have to have. Oh, let's not forget the 10 calls to the insurance company to fix the bills they've already sent! 

Then at night, when you lay your head down to sleep, I will be laying my head down as well. But I will not be worried about any of the above things. I will be praying to God, pleading with him, to allow me the one thing I want more than anything else (besides my husband. He did me a solid with this guy!) in this world! 

Our lives are different, but neither is easy. I understand you just have to 'look at someone' and get pregnant (I mean...really? Who even says that!?), and you now have 3 beautiful children because of that. You are truly blessed. Honestly, I would trade places with you in a heart beat. 

Unfortunately, that's not the cards in life I was dealt, so all I can do is play the game the best I can! (I'm using a card game reference because I am teaching myself how to count cards. I want to be a blackjack millionaire, like Ben Affleck! Okay, maybe not to that extreme, but, I really am teaching myself! It's not illegal!)

Remember tonight (or probably tomorrow, I hope your kids are in bed already) when you kiss your kids goodnight, not everyone is as blessed as you! You're life may be hard, but there are thousands of women who would sacrifice a lot to walk in your shoes! 

Not the brightest crayon in the box! My Struggle With PCOS

I am so very disappointed in myself. I thought that I was doing the easy thing, but instead I did the stupid thing! 

Instead of lugging my ovulation tester and strips out to Montana, I just had my Mom buy me one for out there. It all sounded great. I didn't want it to break in my luggage or have anything else go wrong with it. 

So I took my tests while I was at my Mom's with no ovulation. I got back tonight and put a new stick into my old tester and it flashed as if it were a new cycle. I read the instructions and it said if you don't test for 3 days, it will assume you are starting a new cycle. Duh. 

Per my fertility friend app calculator, I should ovulate tomorrow or Tuesday. It most likely does not give the test enough time to read my cycle to tell me it I am ovulating or not. 

I have been crying like a baby because I am so upset and so hormonal. The 100mg of clomid was terrible on my system. I really wanted this month to be the month. 

Nathan says not to freak out. We will just continue on with our schedule and pray that it works. I know I shouldn't get so upset and be so negative, but I'm pissed. 

I guess all we can do is hope and pray that the 100 mg made me ovulate and by following our schedule, we will end up pregnant! 

I just can't help put feel like we are going into this battle blind and it takes my control away...

The Why.... My Struggle With PCOS

As I watched them wheel my Mom away for surgery, it made me realize the why behind all of this. 

I want to be a Mom like my Mom. 

We absolutely had our struggles just like most families do, but when it all is said and done my Mom is an amazing Mother.  

My childhood was so very magicial and it had nothing to do with money. My Mom just made it that way by all the adventures that she would take us on. 

We would make pumpkin cookies at Halloween and get to decorate whatever faces we wanted. This translated into my Mom sending me pumpkins and different facial features when I went to college so I could make my own pumpkins. She transformed the house into a winter wonderland for Christmas every year. She would pack picnics so amazing that no ones could compare. She allowed our house to be the hang out for all of our friends for years and years. She let us cut up confetti to throw all over the house at midnight on New Years Eve and then send us to bed and she would clean it all up. This also translated into sending me cards upon cards in college with cut up confetti inside. She would have us dress up the night of the oscars and make predictions of who would win. She laid in bed with us and read book after book until we fell asleep. 

She allowed us to be ourselves. She let me collect rocks no matter how nerdy it was. She let me sit inside even on the most beautiful days to read book after book. She gifted me with a flash light, when though she knew it meant that I would stay awake reading well past my bedtime. She made extra keys all the time so I was never truly locked out of my house or my car. She always had a gas can to being me has when I ran out. My most treasured possession is a card she sent me about a month into college telling me all the people who 'missed me.' This included the Newton PD for their loss revenue in speeding tickets, the light compnay because her bill was so much cheaper, Rick and Dick at the auto place because my car wasn't breaking down anymore. It went on and on and it made me realize that through all of my faults, my Mom loves me unconditionally. 

She is my best friend. There is no one that will push me harder or further then my Mom. She will always be most honest with me but in a way that makes me want to be better. She listens, she gives advice, and she stays out of it when she needs to. 

Everything that I am today is because of my Mother. And I pray every single day that when I am blessed with children, I am as wonderful as a mother as she has always been.