I know..

Yesterday I married the man of my dreams. It was a beautiful day, filled with love, happiness and fun. We were surrounded by so many people who love and cherish us it was overwhelming at times. It was not lost on me that at times I was missing the person I wished more than anyone could have been there, my Grandpa.   All throughout the week it showed that Saturday was just supposed to be an awful day. We were supposed to have terrible storms and even a possibility for tornadoes. It stressed me out almost all week. In my family we have a saying, "it is what it is". I am not good at living to this saying because I have a tendency to want to control everything and have my hand in everything. The weather is just something that you cant change.

As I laid in bed Friday night, the night before I got to marry my best friend and become a wife, I cried and cried. I called out to my Grandpa and I begged him to let it be sunny for my wedding. I told him that I didnt care if it rained all morning, or if it rained during my reception, I just wanted it to be sunny for my wedding. 

Saturday morning as I pinned a heart made out of his bib overalls into the left side of my dress, I again asked him to please have it be sunny for my wedding.  As I sat on the trolley outside of the wedding ceremony waiting for everyone to go inside, I had my sister to my right and my cousin Afton to my left. I asked Afton what time it was, and she replied 4:30. The exact time my wedding was scheduled to start. As we sat there, the clouds parted and a ray of sunshine shone down. It lit up the lake and everything sparkeled. I couldnt hold back my emotions. I knew in that moment that my Grandfather was there with me. I had made a promise to him before he passed away that I would walk myself down the aisle when the time came, because he would be there with me, every step of the way. As I stepped off the trolley, I blew a kiss to the sky and walked down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams. I know my Grandpa was there. 

Why I'm voting for Barack Obama

Since my fiancée insists on bringing politics to Facebook, I will state my opinion.

I am not an Obama supporter, I am anti-Romney. A few months ago I was whole heartily going to vote for Romney. But, I am sorry. At the end of the day the things that mean most to me are social issues. Irresponsible? Probably.

At this moment in my life I am more finically stable then I ever have been, and I also pay more taxes than I ever have. I am okay with that. I believe that the more money you make, the more taxes you pay, no exceptions, no loop holes, no tax write offs. Simple as that.

I believe that women should be on the same playing field as men, in all aspects. I bust my ass day in and day out at my job and if I found out I was making less than my male equal, I would be infuriated.

I think that all people should be treated equal. Gay, straight, Mexican, African American, Caucasian, Muslim, Christian, Atheist, rich, poor. Everyone deserves a chance in this world to be happy. No one has the right to judge one another. Live your life so when you go to bed at night you are happy with yourself. You don't live the other persons life, so don't worry about them. Do what makes you happy.

A women's body is her body. Women should have the right to choose what goes on with their own body. And rape is rape. This should never be questioned, man or woman.

There are people out there who desperately need help. Thy fight everyday to get back on their feet but there is always someone there to push them back down. Not everyone is out to screw the system. I grew up on welfare and food stamps. Here I am today, a productive member of society. Give people the help they need to better themselves, not enable themselves to stay in the same situation. There needs to be monitoring the system, not reforming it.

There is a health care problem in America. Going to the Dr should not be a luxury for the rich. It should be something accessible to all people. I do not think this falls all on the Governments shoulders. I think there is a definite problem with the sue happy America that we have created that has jacked up the price of medical care. I also think the cost of health care has gone so high it is impossible for companies to hire more full time workers who would earn benefits or even for small businesses to provide health care. I don't know what the fix is, I just know it needs to be fixed and needs to be talked about.

I 100% agree with employers covering contraceptives. One thing I have never understood about Republicans. You don't want people to use contraceptives OR have abortions, but you also don't want to take care of their babies when they're born into this awful world without a single person who can/will take care of them?? Doesn't make any sense to me.

To go along with the make above. Planned Parenthood is a place that provides education, precautionary measures and much much more to women and men who can not get t anywhere else. I worked for a company for over 7 years who refused to make me full time. I had no benefits an could not afford private health insurance. I went to Planned Parethood for my yearly check up and found out I ha?3. 99.9% chance of getting cervix cancer. The doctor held me as a cried and vowed to give me the treatment necessary to hold it off as long as possible so I could someday have children. Without Planned Parenthood I could have never afforded to go to a Dr. At that point it would have probably been too late.

I am voting for Barack Obama not because I believe in everything he says or does. I don't even necessarily like all of the things he says or does. I am voting for Barack Obama because I believe in the good of society. I believe there are people out there who are just down on their luck an deserve a 2nd chance. I believe that everyone has the rights to enjoy the same basic freedoms we all do. I believe people can be different, believe different things, live a different lifestyle, yet all be Americans. And I believe that the wealthy have been wealthy and powerful for far too long. It's the hard working Middle Class' turn to be on top.

Hired Help

I have recently seen some Facebook 'conversations' about hiring people to do work for you rather than doing it yourself. I have an opinion on this so I thought I would share.

I have no shame in paying someone to do the work that I don't want to do or dont have the time to do. I feel it is what keeps the economy going.

My opinion is if you are compensating them for what they are doing its not like back in the slavery times where people hardly made enough money to survive. The things I pay to get don don't come at a small price. And I always tip almost 20% also!

I know some say this is a waste of money but I choose I save my money in other areas (couponing, making own dish detergent). I feel if I want to pay someone to mow my yard, who cares.

I was talking with a friend the other day about me being a stay at home Mom and he made the comment I would probably still take my kids to daycare. I laughed and thought, I probably would!

I guess each to their own. Great if you do things yourself and great if you pay someone to do it for you. I prefer te latter!

Coming home!

Most everyone knows at this point that Nathan will be coming home for good late September or early October! We thank everyone for their support through this time as living apart from each other sucks! It is still aways away but having a light at the end of the tunnel is great!

Giving in

I lay here in our basement, the only place that isn't 100 degrees and I think about the fight that Nathan and I got into when i told him this could no longer go in the bedroom when we moved in together.

Haha, Ohhh my Nathan! His sense of decor is quite different than mine but somehow we make it work. So if this thing must hang in our basement to make him happy, who am I to complain??

Not apologizing...

There are things in my life that I will own up to. I know that sometimes I do things that I need to apologize for but I know that there are also things about my life that I won't apologize for. Here is the short list; 1. My love for Nathan and our happiness. This is something that I abaolutely will not apologize for. Nathan and I understand how lucky we are to have found each other and be as happy as we are. There was a time in my life when the only man that meant anything was my Grandpa. This was also a time where I sai I would never get married and I never wanted a family. My Grandpa always told me the one thing he wanted me to experience was the love him and my Grandma shares and the joy that children an grandchild brought your life. At a time in my life when the most important man in my life was dying, my heart opened up to a new man. A man who loves me so deeply and so unconditionally. I never knew this kind of love existed outside of my Grandparents marriage. So, I will not apologize for loving Nathan and I will not stop sharing my love for him either. 2. My success. I had worked extremely hard throughout my life to always be on top. I worked extremely hard during school and I have always been good at my jobs. I work hard to produce great results. Nathan also works extremely hard and his drive for success makes me want to succeed rift along with him. Our hard work has opened some great doors for us and I will not apologize for that. We have not been handed things. We make sacrifices and miss out on things and work hard for everything that we have. Everything we have we deserve, so apologizing is not necessary! 3. My openness. I have always been an open book. I dot have anything in my life to hide so why not express myself. Yes, I probably do too many status updates and tweet entirely wayy too much, but once again I won't apologize for this. Growing up I always had to act one way in public. I always ha to put a smile on my face even though life was falling apart begin closed doors. I always pretended like I had everything under control even though I was a wreck. I always had to hide things. Now that I have my own life an I'm proud of the life I live and have made for myself I see no need to hide things.

Laying awake...

I lay here in bed trying to sleep. I think about things that I said today that I could have said different. I think about how much I miss Nathan. How over the past few months, since we both got our promotions we became 2nd to each other. Our new jobs were first. There was always something more important. Some TV show I needed to watch instead of lay in bed with him, some post I needed to read on facebook. I think about how I would beg him to come to lunch with me, but he was always busy. I think about how we get a 2nd chance. We got time to realize that all those little things, all those little moments are what truly matter. 

I think about all of these things because I lay awake and I think about my Grandpa. I think about how he is missing out on all of this. How for so long he was there to help me through my heart ache. He was there to pick up the pieces as they were falling apart and he was there to glue me back together when I completely crumbled. He got to see all of those moments. He got to experience all of those moments, but he doenst get to experience these. He doens't get to see me happier then I have ever been. He doenst get to hang out with Nathan and learn to love him the way I do. Nathan never got to see his Maytag collection or all of his artifacts. Nathan didn't get to hear the stories or listen to him laugh from his belly. 

I cry because I am so jealous of my sister. My Grandpa got to walk my sister down the aisle. He got to see her in her wedding dress. He got to put on the tux and tell her how beautiful she looked. He got to give her away and kiss her and tell her that he would always be her number one guy. I know that my Grandpa will be there with me. I know that I will feel him in my heart. But I am still very jealous that it isn't the same as what my sister got. 

So I lay here awake...thinking of what was and what will be. I know that Nathan was brought into my life as I was losing the most important man in my life. At one point in my life, I could never imagine my life without my Grandpa. And then I met Nathan. At the same time that I was having to realize that I was going to lose my Grandpa and I was going to have to live life without him, there was Nathan. I learned a new kind of love. A love that to me was so raw. This man loved me for me. Not because I was his grandchild, but because he loved ME. I cant compare it to anything just like I cant compare the love I had for my Grandpa to anything I have ever experienced. So instead of being jealous and thinking about was was....I should focus on what IS and what WILL BE. 

Freezing Cooking in a Frenzy

I just realized this never posted:

Well, here you all go! I have fielded many questions about our over the weekend adventure of Freezer Cooking. I would like to first and foremost say that this would not have been possible without Nathan. Whew! The patience that man has is insane. I, on the other hand, have no patience at all. What is that saying my mother use to always tell me "patience is a virtue". I think I always responded, "not my virtue". Wow, was I ever right. A spatula was tossed, a glass bowl was shattered, and cooking sheets were knocked on the floor. Oh, did I mention sometimes I have a temper??  :)

So, for this freezer cooking, I can't take all the credit. I got most of the ideas off of pinterest! Actually, I got all of the ideas off of pinterest! I would have never done it without finding all of the ideas and recipes off of pinterest.

First, we planned out all of the recipes. I knew that this was going to be a big adventure, and I didn't want to have to go back to the grocery store upteen million times. (Nathan went back twice).  So, I wrote out all of the recipes, how much we needed of each thing and then I wrote out a shopping list by aisle at Hy-Vee.  I also wanted to make sure that we had enough baggies, seran wrap, and foil. Once we got to the store, Nathan questioned the idea of putting everything in a baggie. They were having a sale on containers, so we bought some of them and boy am I ever happy we did. (Did I ever mention I am marrying a genius??)

So, we got home and carried in all of the groceries. I organized them by what went with what. All the ingredients for each recipe stayed with that recipe so that things wouldn't get all jumpled together.  So, up into now, my organization has been great, right?  Here is where I messed up and sent the entire day spiraling down, until my Super hero swooped in and saved the day.

We started with the tater tot casserole. We got the hamburger browned and everything mixed up in bowls. I had the pan lined with seran wrap (mistake one--use foil instead). I put in all the ingredients and then placed it in the freezer. Everything that I read said to "flash freeze" for 90 minutes. My mother has since told me that because I placed so much in the freezer at once, and since they were all hot items, it would take much longer then 90 minutes for these things to freeze. So, my advice, freeze for a good 3-4 hours. The idea is that you can slice the items into single serving, place in a baggie and on you go. Ours did not turn out like that at all, but we made it work, and it still looks just as yummy! Hey, a casserole is just a bunch of shit all thrown in a pan together anyways isnt it??

We did the same thing with the lasagna, (forgot spaghetti sauce. Nathan's first trip to the store).  We left it in the freezer for much longer and it was frozen pretty solid it sliced much nicer. Also I lined the pans with foil instead of seran wrap.

Nathan enjoys stir fry (I'm not a fan). Usually he frys everything up in the pan and then he has like a week's worth of meals. We end up throwing some away. Which always annoys me, but I understand not wanting to eat the same thing every day, all day! So, we figured if he put things in single serving baggies, we wouldn't waste as much. He sliced up all of his pepper and onions and put it in with the raw meat. Then we threw them in the freezer and that was done.

Another thing that Nathan likes to eat are chicken enchiladas. We make these in the crock pot. So Nathan sliced up the peppers and onions and threw in the frozen chicken breasts. We use 1 hot jar of salsa and 1 mild jar of salsa. That just sat in the crock pot all day. It usually takes 4-6 hours. We put it into single serving containers. Nathan usually eats 3-4 of the enchiladas at a time, so that was the serving size we used.

We also made two lasagnas. We put foil in the bottom of the pan, and then froze the whole thing. We made 2 of them, and then also made one that we cut up into 6 single servings and froze them.

I really enjoy eating Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowls. It is like sausage, potatoes, cheese and scrambled eggs. I thought instead of spending the 2.99 we do on these, or however much they usually cost, I could just make my own. So we scrambled up the egg and sausage. For the potatoes, I took red potatoes and cubed them. I sprinkled them with olive oil, put them on foil and baked them at 350 for 20 minutes! They were perfect. I just threw even amounts of each in containers and those were done.

We also wanted to make breakfast burritos to grab and go in the morning. We used ham, sausage, bacon, potatoes, scrambled eggs, and cheese.  This part SUCKED! I had no idea how hard it was to roll a burrito,  put it was totally worth it. These were amazing!

Overall, everything turned out okay and it will make our lives so much easier. I am very thankful that we did it, and I am also very thankful that I have a guy like Nathan who stays calm while I am throwing spatulas across the kitchen and breaking bowls on the kitchen floor! :)

Family Traditions

Growing up, the one thing that we always had no matter what was family. Both my Mom and my Grandparents made sure of this. I was extremely blessed in the fact that I either lived with my Grandparents or lived right next door to my Grandparents my entire life.

Some of the time it was just me and my sister and my Grandparents, but most of the time it was the rest of my family as well. Every event was a huge deal for my family. It wasn't just holidays and birthdays, it was any random weekend when people would just show up. There was always plenty of food in fridge, snacks on the counter and pop in the basement.

Growing up we would play countless hour of wiffle ball in the backyard. If you missed the ball, it would hit the garage siding and my Grandpa would get so mad at us. But you knew as soon as he turned around, he was laughing as he walked away. We would ride the little motorcycle around the yard until there started to be tracks, cause then Grandpa got mad.

We would skate back and forth in the basement and create these little plays and then make the adults come down and watch us. Now when I am down in their basement, I look around and wonder how we ever had so many people down there putting on our "show" that we put on.

Birthday parties were always (and still are) the best. Growing up (and still today) I was the only one with a September birthday, so I never had to share my Sunday birthday party. Truth be told, I was always jealous of my cousin Afton because she got to share with my Grandpa. Now, the March/April birthday's are like half the family!!  We all sit down in the living room and open our presents and cards. We have to pass the cards around for everyone to read. My Grandma loves to read every single card. She keeps every card that she has even been given also. My Grandpa always had his Maytag Camera that he got for I beleive 35 years of service. My Grandma would make him take pictures of everything.  Then we go up to the table and we put the candles in. We sing happy birthday to everyone. No matter how many people there are, the candles get re lit and everyone gets their special birthday song.  if you are 27, 2 candles get put on one side and 7 on the other. My Grandpa would always get so mad, he said we were going to burn down the house!  Having all the memories swarm through my head, I always think about how riduclious some of these things sound. My Grandma has all of these little ways that she does things. They are non-negotiable, and to be honest, I wouldn't want them any other way.

Christmas is just as riduclious. Let me tell you what, if you want to see something that is reality TV worthy, you should come to my families house for Christmas. First off, the hours that would go into my Grandma shopping and wrapping each present for us, I cant even imagine. Then the perfect way that they would each be under the Christmas tree to make it all look like a puzzle. When Christmas morning game, my sister and I would have to sit on the bottom of our stairs until my Grandparents would come over, Then we could run out and see what Santa brought us (you see, I come from a family where Santa did not wrap the presents). Then once we opened our presents at our house, we would go over to my Grandparents. My cousins would be arriving at this time. We would all sit on this white couch that my Grandparents have in their family room. I always sat next to the tree, as I always hand out the presents. I would have to hand out one present to each person. Once they all got their present, I could start unwrapping mine, I would have to say who it was from. I then have to take off the ribbons and the bows and the name tags. Now, Ashley and Nick take these. (You see, my Grandma saves all of these and uses them year after year. Some name tags are ones that we wrote clear back when we were 5 or 6 years old). Yes, it is riduclious as it sounds. But it is our Family Christmas, and I love it.

This blog is getting a lot longer then I wanted it to. I guess my whole point of writing this is that I cant wait to start my own family traditions. The fun part is that we will get to take traditions from my family and traditions from Nathan's family and create our own. I think about cooking my family Thanksgiving dinner and having my kids get to eat "cherry shit" for Christmas breakfast. I love everything about joining our lives together, and creating traditions might be my favorite part!

Our Wedding Day

I play our wedding day over and over in my head almost every day. I think about the moment that we will see each other for the first time. I think about walking down the aisle towards him. I think about saying my vows to him, and him saying his to me. I think about seeing all of our friends and family being there. I think about all of these things all of the time. But really, the thing I think about the most is hearing the words "I know pronounce you husband and wife".  :)

The journey is the destination...

A women that both Nathan and I hold very close to our hearts told me "The journey is the destination". I think it was the first time in days that I was able to put everything into perspective. I for the first time realized that it isn't 6 months until our wedding, or 17 days until I see him again. Right now, these moments, they are all building our relationship. Its not the wedding that matters or having him home. Its all the moments in between that add up to a lifetime of love and happiness together.  I have heard every cliche saying since Nathan left. "Everything happens for a reason", "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". But really, the only thing that has finally made me realize that every thing, every little thing is going to be ok.

This hurt in my heart, this ache for Nathan will never go away until I see him again. It is just something that I have to deal with. I can't make it go away, and I don't want to make it go away. This pain that I feel in my heart, this ache for Nathan, it is a constant reminder of how deep our love is. This journey that we are on together is one of a kind. The love that we have for each other is unique. I knew it the moment I saw Nathan in the board room on my first day at CBE. I knew it on the day that Nathan asked me to spend the rest of my life with him after only 5 months of dating. And I knew it when Nathan asked me if it was okay if he went and worked in the Atlanta office for awhile. I know that the love we share will take a hell of a lot more then 912 miles between us to break that bond.

So, although my heart aches more than I ever knew it could, and I have a constant feeling of missing something, I know that this is only going to make us stronger. This journey we're on, this wonderful, amazing journey..it is building the foundation of our relationship. It is building the foundation for our children and their children. And I am so grateful that I get to spend it with my best friend.

Keeping up with Nathan

The name of this blog should have always been "Keeping up with Nathan" instead of "Keeping up with the Joneses" I have come to find out!! HOLY MOLY! It has only been 4 days that Nathan has been gone and this house is a disaster. I mean, I always knew that it was me making the messes and Nathan cleaning them up, but when no one is cleaning them up, I learned just how big of messes I really make.  The sink is overflowing with dishes(mind you we have a dishwasher, I am just too lazy to put the dishes in there), the trash is overflowing(I also didn't put the trash by the curb when I was supposed to), the yard needs mowed(hey, its supposed to rain, give me some slack), the laundry is overflowing(I'll do it on Sunday), and the living room looks like a tornado went through it(well, one sort of did. Its name is Amanda).  I finally unloaded the groceries from the trunk of the car(that I bought on Wednesday).

This house is more then a full time job and I am so thankful for everything that Nathan did around the house all the time that I was clearly unaware of. Or just took it all for granted.  Jack and I are having...welll...let's just say...fun.  I tell you what! That dog (now that he is eating) wants food twice a day, wants his water filled up CONSTANTLY, he only goes outside for a few moments to do his duty and then he barks until you let him back in. Now that Nathan is gone, he takes up MORE than half the bed.

Ok, anways...time for me to buck up and start doing my part around this house. Especially now that there is no one else here to do it!!

Circular Seating

So, for the wedding I decided on circular seating for the ceremony.  It would cost like an extra $500 to get everything all mic'd up for outside and that is just outrageous to me. So, I thought outside the box and this is what I have come up with.

Now, the only tricky part...We will have 4 1/4 moons and they will each need to sit about 38 people.  I cant figure out how to do the rows. Clearly, designing a puzzle was not my strong suite.

I suppose I will leave Nathan and his analytical brain to determine this!

Babies

Well, its no secret that as soon as Nathan and I get married, people are going to start wondering when we are going to have kids.Hell, people thought the reason we got engaged so fast was because I was knocked up!! Surprise, Surprise...a year later and there is NO baby! So now, I already get asked the question all the time "when are you going to have kids" and I simply answer "we will start trying next October".  Tonight, it was brought to my attention that this is maybe not the correct way to say this. It was brought to my attention that maybe I meant we would not start having sex until next October. Well, thats just not the case. I always thought that when people started "trying" to have kids, they just simply stated, they were trying to get pregnant.  I guess what I mean is that we will no longer be preventing it from happening. This probably gives a bad mental picture to some people, but to me, I think it is a beautiful thing between a couple to be "trying" to get pregnant. Its natural. It is what is supposed to happen. Why is there a politically correct way to say this??  Who knows! It seems that there is a politically correct way to say everything and it changes everyday.

Anyways. I enjoyed "dating" Nathan for the short amount of time that we dated, and I have enjoyed being engaged to Nathan for almost a year now.  I am in no rush to start a family, but I am also not dragging my feet. We get married in October and we will start trying a year later. I think that is a perfectly good timeline. I mean from the day we met until the time of us staring to try, we will have only known each other for 3.5 years, and only been romantically involved for 3!  People always have opinions about other people's lives, but I feel that as long as I am happy in my own life and Nathan is happy in his own life, and we are happy in our life together, there is no reason to make other people happy.

You also have the nay-sayers that tell me that I shouldn't plan on when I get pregnant. If you wait and plan it you will never do it. That is not what we are doing at all. I think there is a huge difference in being finically ready, because we never will be, and being finicially prepared. I don't like to jump into anything in my life, and I sure am not going to jump into parenthood.  Nathan is a very analytical person and he looks at things from ever angle. So, trust me, with mine and his planning personalities put together, our lives are fully mapped out!

Soon enough you will hear the pitter patter of a little Jones running around and then we all really will be "Keeping up with the Jonses" :)

Saving Money

Saving money is a constant struggle for me. I am a spender. I love love love to spend money! Like, if I could get a job to just spend money, I would be amazing at it!! Anyways, Nathan and I have made a very concious effort to save practically EVERY penny that doesn't have a NEED to be spent. This is killing me and it is absolutely NOT the life for me! I mean, COME ON! I dont work hard 45 hours a week to never spend any money.

Well anyways, we had a lot of birthdays in our family in the month of March and April, so I got to buy a bunch of birthday cards and birthday presents for everyone this past week. Man on man did it feel good to spend money!

As soon as this wedding is paid for, a down payment on a house is made, new cars are bought, new furniture is paid for....WAIT WAIT WAIT....who am I kidding??  I'm an adult now, I will NEVER be able to spend money like its my job again!! It will always be something that we are saving for!!  Oh well, such is life! I guess its just time for me to start poppin out those babies so I have something to spend money on. Just kidding! :)

Nannie

You hear me talk abou her a lot, but for new readers, Nannie is my Grandma. She is not in that good of health and to be honest for the last 3-4 years they have been telling us that she is only goin to be with us for six to nine more months. she keeps defeating their odds and she is still here with us today. The thing is, she's not getting any better she is getting worse. The whole point of this is that my wedding is still about 8 months away. It breaks my heart that my Grandla won't be at my weddin and that I will be walking myself down the aisle. I will absolutely break my heart if my Grandma isn't there. My grandparents have been so instrumental in my life. There were never like grandparents they at like parents to me. The way I have not been allowing myself to get heartbroken is to just assume and convince myself that my Grandma won't be there so then I won't get my hopes up. The thing about this is that my grandma wants to go shopping for something to wear and she wants to make all of these arrangements on when she is going to get up to Cedar Falls and blah blah blah. My mom kind of reamed my ass today because I keep blowing my Grandma off. I explained to her my reasoning and my point of view. She expressed to me her point of view. She thinks that I should be doing all of these things with my Grandma. She thinks that if the time does come and my Grandma isn't there I can look back at all of these memories that I made with my Grandma before my wedding. Tht it will be like she got to experience in it all.
Yeah, I dont know how I feel about her point of view. There must be a happy medium somewhere and I will just have to find that.

Daddy Drama

Well, this is odd. You wont find me talking about my Father often. Not for lack of love, or lack of caring, more for lack of knowledge. My Mom and Dad got divorced when my sister and I were very young. We moved back to Newton and lived with my Grandparents and my Dad kinda did his own thing. Grew up quite a bit. My Mom got to do the same thing, she just happened to live in the same house as us and my Grandparents. My Dad came back into our lives when I was about 5 and passed away from cancer when I was 9. I have always been a Momma's girl and the thing I remember most about my Dad was that he never forced us to go with him. I usually chose to stay at home with my Mom or my Grandparents. I have few memories of my Father and even fewer good memories. I know that he tried his hardest and really that is all you can ask of someone. I have always considered myself very luck to not have those "Daddy Problems" that some girls who grew up without a father sometimes have. The reason this is, I had my Grandfather. Now this is a man I will always talk about. But sometimes, weird things happen in my life and I have an odd sense of connection to my Dad, Randy. They happen at the most bizarre moments and sometimes it takes me quite a while to piece it all back to him. My Mom and Dad remained good friends until his passing and she truly lost her soul mate the day he died. I truly, 100% believe that if my Dad were still alive today, my parents would be married, living happily somewhere. They got married young, had babies young, and truly couldn't handle the stress. That doesn't mean they didn't love each other with all of their beings, they just didn't know how to make it work. My Mom was lucky enough to have my Grandparents to fall back on and got to do a lot of her growing up in a house with her children and her parents. My Dad kind of got the unlucky end of the stick and had to do a lot of his growing up on his own. I would never say that my Dad didn't love us, or he went off and forgot about us. I truly think he just didn't know how to have both lives that he wanted. I have accepted that, and truly try and love the man that my Mom tells me about. The man she loves so deeply she can barely talk about him without crying. This is a man that I truly don't feel I know personally, but a man that I have been told many stories about.

I have recently started watching a show Sons of Anarchy. It is about a motorcycle club that doesn't always do the best things. From the first episode of this show I watched, I just felt a connection. It was something much greater then just TV. Something more then being attracted to the actors, or the drama, or wanting to know more. It was as if I needed to be watching this show. That watching this show brought me closer to something. I talked to my sister about it, and she told me that her and my Grandpa watched it together every week before he passed away. I re-watched the show and realized that wasn't it. It didn't remind me of my Grandpa at all, and quite frankly it was weird to watch thinking that my Grandpa saw those things. I mean, my Grandpa was kind of a different person when my Grandma wasn't around. He would cuss, say "shit" or "damn" or his favorite "Jesus Christ". But, he wasn't this show. I was watching again last night and it kept taking me back to the same episode. Season 4 Episode 1. When Jax proposes to Tara. She talks about how she wants it, but she doesn't want her kids brought up in that life. I re-watched it 4 times and it finally clicked. My Father. Once again, I don't want to sound negative about my Dad, but from what I have been told, he didn't always make the best decisions. I can imagine my Mom there with children so young, thinking she wanted more for her children. She made the decision to leave and that is where we are now. My Dad loved motorcycles. My sister spent time with him in jail as an infant because he had her on the motorcycle with him at a young age. I don't want to say that my Dad was off running guns, or killing people, but he loved to ride. The feeling that your friends are sometimes more of your family then your own family was hit home as well. My Dad had a best friend, Jeff, who at times I think was more of a brother to him then some of his own brothers. This life, this doing anything to protect your family. This was my Dad. A scene in the show, one of the characters, Opie, chooses not to go home to his kids. He says that it is a bad time to be with his kids after something that he just did. I can see my Dad doing/saying the same thing. I am not a parent, but I can imagine there are things in life that you do that you arent proud of, that you dont want your children to know about or be witness too. I am grateful that my Dad loved my sister and I enough to walk away when he needed to and knowing that maybe being around us wasn't the best. I am thankful that he came back into our lives and that I got to spend the few years that I did with him before he passed away. I am thankful that I have people in my life that love him so deeply and are willing to share that love with me. I am thankful I have such a caring and understand Mother who could hate my Dad for some of the things that he did, but she doesn't. She loves him so much still to this day. And I am thankful for moments like this that bring me connected to my Father. A connection that is most of the time lost.

Crazy Life

Wow. It has been a while and there has been a lot going on since then. Nathan and I both have gotten promotions at work. Nathan is now a Manager and I am a Supervisor. We are both busy getting into these new roles and learning everything that we need to know to be the best we can be.

We are in full swing with wedding EVERYTHING! The Knot sent me an e-mail about a week ago, telling me 9 months until my wedding and I sort of had a freak out! I feel as thought I have a lot of stuff done, but are you ever really done with things?

We had a couple of fiasco's with flowers and stuff, but we are hopefully getting everything worked out. Things have been coming in under budget, which is great because I didn't really give much room in our budget for things to be over budget.

It was great having my Mom home to be able to show her my vision of the wedding, so all the things that she is working on out in Montana, I know that she gets it. Not that I didnt trust her before, but now I feel like we are 100% on the same page.  She is working on our card box right now, which I am super excited for! She is shipping it here in pieces and then will assemble it when she gets here! I cant WAIT to see it all together!  She is so dang creative. I wish I would have gotten her creativity from her.  She is also making Nathan and I stockings. I grew up with hand-made stockings that to me just always felt like "mine". My cousins all feel the same way too. You had your stockings at home, but your stocking at Nannie and Grandpa's was yours. Well, my Mom made them all, so she is now making Nathan, me, Ashley, Nick and Katie all our own stockings to have at our own homes. Then as we have children, she will make them ones as well.

A lot of my friends have experienced tough times lately and it makes my heart hurt just thinking about it.  I just wish that I could take their pain away from them and help them more then I can right now. It makes me extremely grateful for Nathan, our health and happiness and it makes me realize that in a moment all of that can be taken away from us.

Well, there is a look into our lives right now. Promise to be back sooner rather then later.

My Wish

I am not good at New Year's Resolutions because I feel as though they are always something that you give up on and then you just feel like a big failure. So, instead of listing out things that I am going to do. I am going to list out things that I wish to do. I will try my hardest to do them, but understand that I am human, and I will fail.

1. Focus more on my circle of influence rather then my circle of concern. For those who have not gone through Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, this means I am going to really focus on the things in my life that I have direct influence on and not get stressed out or upset about things that I can't control.

2. Not eat out as much. This will benefit me in many areas of my life. This will help with sticking to my budget better, as well as living a healthier life.

3. Understand that people don't always see life the way I see life.  I feel as though there is a lot of stress, or tension in our lives because I want everyone to live life the way I do. I need to come to the conclusion that some people just live life differently and that is completely ok.

4. Figure out what I am doing.

5. Throw out my planner for a week or two. Live life in the present, not planning my next move. I am starting with a week or two, because I dont see anything wrong with living life with a plan. But I do understand that not everyone has an itinerary for their days. Sometimes, especially on vacations, I need to just live in the present.

Those are things I am going to start with. My wish for 2012 is to become a better person. Living a healthier life. This includes physically, mentally, emotionally, finicially. Every aspect of my life can become healthier. Here goes!