Lately, I have figured out that I am able to put emotions and events into different categories. This may or may not be a good trait. Its like I am able to break what is happening down into smaller events and be sad about one thing but not sad about the other. I dont know if this is a way for me to be okay with things that are going on, or if this is a way for me to just hide my emotions.
Some examples of this include trying to decide what I want to specialize in for my major, which is surgical technician. I have decided that I want to be in the OB/GYN because you get to see a miracle every day. A new life enter into the world. When questioned on how I will be able to handle still born deaths, or any other event that takes place, I simply have decided, although it is sad, and the parents will be devastated, that person hasn't lived a life yet. I think it would be much harder to watch a 20, 30, 40 something your old die. Maybe that is cruel, maybe that is heartless, but that is how I have to think about it to make any of it ok.
Also, we find out today if my Grandpa's cancer has come back or if he is still in remission. Clearly, I hope that he is still in remission but there is always that chance that the cancer is back. They gave him 12 to 18 months to live, and we are at 17 months right now. I will be devastated if his cancer is back, but at the same time I am so thankful that we have got to spend the time that we have with him, and he has been in good health throughout. We are so lucky that he didnt have to have hospital stays or lose his hair or get really sick. We have had our Grandpa the entire time. The Grandpa that we have always had and still got to do the same things with him. Not everyone is that lucky. So, I guess this time around instead of thinking that my life will be over if his cancer is back, I am just thankful of the times we have got to have together since he got diagnosed with cancer.
This whole break up as really made me think about things in more of a positive way. Of course Im sad about the break up, and of course my heart is shattered. Anytime that you love somebody as much as I loved him, this is going to be the outcome. But Im doing ok. Alot better then I ever thought I would be doing. I'm not necessarily that sad about the actual break up, because, well lets be honest, its been a while coming. Im sad about the other things Im losing. My best friend for one. The people in his life that have become a part of my life. The fun, the laughter, the structure. Its like I have made all of this matter more then the actual fact that the person I thought in my head would be the person I would spend the rest of my life with is no longer by my side.
I've kind of come to terms with the fact that life does go on. No matter if we find out today that my Grandpas cancer is back, or if he is still in remission, life will go on. I will spend as much time with him as I always do. I will love him the same way, and in the end, no matter the out come, everything will be fine one way or another. And even though we broke up, the mature thing to do is stay friends. My life has gone on, although its still kind in pieces, it is going on. The memories are all still there, the laughter is still there and the person is still there. A loss is only a loss if you make it one.