Monday, November 1, 2010

It still hurts

This one is a little personal, and I'm sure anyone that knows my life will know what I'm talking about. Sometimes it just helps to get it out, I am just choosing to do that to the public.  Not meaning to offend anyone, just simply stating what I learned.

I was in love. Head over heels in love. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Absolutely. Did I think it was reality? Absolutely Not. I knew this break up would come, and I knew my life with shatter in front of me. Am I proud of how I have dealt with it? Yes! I have had a great support system and people around me to let me know that it will be okay.  Does it still hurt? YES!

You see, this was my first love. The first time I knew what it felt like to have someone care about you. Soemoene that would do anything to make you happy. The first time I got the tingles when I was kissed, or butterflies in my stomach with the thought of seeing him. The first time I felt 100% okay with being myself, and sharing my darkest fears. Not only was he my boyfreind, he was my best friend. The first person I called when anything happened, good or bad. The first person I thought of when I woke up, and the last person I thought about before I went to sleep. That was the love I knew, and it felt great.

So, yes I am hurt. But I would also consider myself a realist. And like I said, I knew this day would come. I knew we would part our ways, hoping to stay friends, because who wants to lose their boyfriend and their best friend all in the same day. Not this girl. I guess what I had never thought of was what happened when there is someone else?  I guess that wasnt even a thought that crossed my mind, it should have but it didnt.

Well, let me tell you what happens when there is someone else. IT HURTS LIKE HELL.  And when alcohol is involved it makes it ten times worse. I guess I realized that as much as a realist I claim to be, there are some realities that you just dont anticipate. Yes, the wound is still a little fresh and maybe that is why it hurts so bad, but he was my first love. And Im sure 20 years down the road if I saw him with someone else, it would hurt too. That is what happens, and you have to move on.

So, this weekend I realized that no matter how strong I have been, and how much I think that I have moved on. It still hurts. Everyday when something happens that I want to call him or text him, it hurts. Every day that I think we would be doing this together or that together, it hurts. Moving on is a must, and I guess it will happen with time. I just hope the next time it hurts, I can handle the situation a little more maturely. As all I did was hurt myself and the situation.

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