Too funny! My Struggle With PCOS

Nathan talked to someone who is also experiencing infertility last week and I think he got a different perspective on things then he has had before. 

While he was telling me some of the things they talked about I was watching his body language and his facial expressions. You could tell that he had so much sympathy for this guy and how he was feeling bad for his wife. I could tell that a part of him was thinking 'they have it so much worse then us'. 

After he was done telling his story, and how he told him to tell his wife to check out my blog (scored some points there), I asked him what he thought I did at all these Dr Appts I've been going to? I realized in that moment maybe I hadn't been that great of a communicator with him. 

This is not a 'dog on my husband' post by any means, it just goes to show the point that SO many people have no idea what people suffering from infertity go through every day! Even someone who is experiencing it right along with you! 

Nathan is super busy at work, so I have tried not to bother him with any of this. One of my top strengths is responsibility and I tend to shoulder everything, regardless if it is my responsibility or not. I have viewed this whole situation as my responsibility, so I shoulder all the weight of it. He just gets to deal with the fun stuff at home! (And boy oh boy has it been FUN!) It was an eye opening conversation though! 

It was a little like this: 

You know how I don't take a lunch on Thursdays and leave work an hour early? Yeah, I'm just not hanging out! I have to go have blood drawn! Some times it get right in, other times I sit there and wait! My arms are swollen, bruised and if people didn't know me, they might think they are track marks. 

You know when I have to go to the Dr sometimes 3 times in one week? Yeah...well, I too am VERY farmiliar with Mr . Wandman! He could at least ask me out for coffee before he violates me in that way! (Only other infertility friends will get that joke!) Let's just say I never thought I would have my feet in stirrups more than I have in the last couple of months! 

You know how I call you so frustrated I could just scream? Yeah, that's because they keep telling me 'they don't know why' I'm not ovulating! "It just doesn't make sense!"

None of it is fun, and I am sure for a man, who wants to cherish and protect their wife, it is really not fun. Maybe I have sheltered Nathan from the worst of it all for a reason! I know that Nathan is my lifeline through this. It seems that whenever I am having a really rough day he is there to pick me up. He is always so positive and so encouraging. I am thankful he hasn't had to experience the worst of it all. I don't want him to have the jaded outlook I do. But it's also a lesson that I should have been more open about it to him. No one really wants to hear from someone else how bad their loved one could be hurting. 

I think it all goes back to the #1 most important thing I have learned! Communicate, communicate, communicate! It's the only way you can experience something like this and still make it work! 

My apologies! My Struggle With PCOS

I need to apologize! I started this blog to have fun! I wanted to get my feelings off my chest and make people laugh while I did it. My life is pretty comedic and I am an open book, so why not right? 

Unfortunately, things changed a little bit and I saw myself getting more and more negative and complaining more and more. I found myself reading blog after blog to get validation on how shitty I felt. 

So, I've taken a step back this week to really take some time to clear my head. Infertility can slowly creep in and one day you wake up and realize it consumes your whole life. I woke up thinking about it, went to bed thinking about it and thought about it all the times in between. 

It's rough. It's not fun, and last week I was in a really bad place. 

Here are some updates: 

1.  Clomid hates me. I can't sleep, can't stop sweating and can't stop getting the worse Charlie Horses known to man. Last week between Tuesday-Friday, I slept a total of 3.5 hours. I just can't sleep. It is the worst insomnia I have ever had in my life. Add a pretty rough week at work on top of that and life was anything but pretty. (I'm surprised my husband is still alive and has all of his man parts. It was bad. Like...really bad!)

2. My emotions are CRAZY! Seriously! I am all over the place! Pissed off (better then pissed on my Mom said), bitter, sad, anxious, nervous! Everything all rolled in to one. If someone looked at me the wrong way I was all over them. (I'm surprised my husband didn't divorce me last week! It was bad. Like...really bad!) :) 

3. I'm about at the end of my rope. (So I'm gonna tie a knot and hold on!). Even with the clomid, I am not ovulating. The Dr says that I am, but she is also not doing any monitoring, so who even knows. I put her on notice this month! Told her if she didn't give me more concrete information, I was going somewhere else! (Told you last week was bad!) I am probably going to be going some where else anyways, if there is no pregnancy this month, next month we will be doing the artifical insemination anyways, so I will need to go to a fertility specialist. I maybe should have started there anyways. 

4. People are insensitive. I've been pretty open about my problems to everyone, never in a million years thinking people would use it as fuel against me! This last couple of weeks I have heard it all. "Being on fertility drugs is no excuse to be a bitch!" (Touché!) "I'm making life more stressful for my husband and I!" (Yup, that was my plan) "You'll never be able to give Nathan the happiness he deserves" (can't type what I wanted to say to THAT person!) "You're taking the fact you can't get pregnant and I can out on me!" (No, I'm taking the fact that I haven't slept in 3 days and the fact that you are insensitive out on you!)

5. I have a choice. I can be bitter and run down and frustrated and alienate myself from everyone in my life, OR, I can put my big girl panties on and deal with it! (And as I was reminded today, girls in big girl panties don't cry!) I am choosing to put on my big girl panties! No one said this was going to be easy. I certainly know that life is not all roses and sunshines so why did I think this would be! You get disappointed in life by setting unrealistic expectations! I can no longer be nieve about the situation. Changing my way of thinking will change a lot I believe! 

People can suck and life can suck, but allowing yourself to suck is not the way to live life! Sitting on the couch all weekend, refusing to do anything, and watching your husband so 15 loads of laundry because you haven't done jack crap in a month is no way to live life! (Welllll...I mean...I COULD live life that way! But I shouldn't!) Treating the people closest to you and spreading your own bitterness is no way to live life! 

Tomorrow is a new day! It will be better (wellll, maybe not! I work 7:30-5, so maybe I should start my new outlook on Sunday!) But seriously, I have a great life! I just have to remember that! 

I will be better! I promise! 

People ask... My Struggle With PCOS

People often ask 'how are you doing?'. I know that it comes from the heart and I truly appreciate people's concern. It is just so hard to explain. 

How am I doing? Well, that is a loaded question. I feel as though I am going through the motions every day, but I'm not really there. 

There are some people who just get it. And that is wonderful. They know that this sucks. It's the hardest battle I have ever fought. It's not like I have cancer or some other illness that people can see. It is a silent illness and it is kind of taboo to talk about. These people are the ones who simply say 'I'm thinking about you' or 'I'm praying for you!'. They know I can't relax, I will always keep trying and no, things don't always happen when they're supposed to. 

Then there are the people who don't get it at all, and no fault of their own. These are the people who don't see what the big deal is. They think I'm adding extra stress onto an already pretty stressful life. They're the ones that can't see the sings of an illness, so they think it's made up. They don't understand that between Tuesday and Friday of last week I slept roughly 3.5 hours. They don't understand that I still had to get up every day, plaster a smile on and face the day. They're the ones that say I am 'on edge' or my favorite 'look like shit!'. I know I do, but the most I had in me that morning was to throw clothes on. That is it. 

I wish talking about infertility wasnt taboo. I wish it was easy to tell people what is going on and how I feel. But it's a pretty touchy subject and a lot of the problems are pretty personal. Just know, when you ask me how I'm doing and I reply "I'm fine!", there is a lot more to that answer! 

Cool(??) Kids My Struggle With PCOS

I often times think about what our children are going to look like and how they are going to act. Nathan and I are complete opposites, so I always wonder if they will be just like one of us or a mix between the two of us? (In my humble opinion, I think a mix between the two of us would be the perfect person! Nathan has it all, he could just use a little more aggression! I have too much aggression, so it would even it all put!)

Nathan looks exactly like his Dad and I look exactly like my Mom. I wonder if our genes are so strong that one would be more dominant?? (Mine of course!)

One thing I know for sure is they will probably have glasses! We are both as blind as a bat, so it just makes sense that our kids will be too! I am sure they will be little nerds, which I am okay with! (Yes dear, you can sit inside and read your 1000 page book today! Actually, please do! Let me know when you're finished and we will start another!) I will always support my kids in being a nerd! I am one and Nathan is one too! (I mean the dude has a a full set of Ghostbusters figurines on his desk at work! With a light up firehouse. Total nerd!)

This will be our daughter: 

Glasses wearing, book reading, take charge kind of gal! 

This will be our son:

Glasses wearing, deep thinking, suit wearing guy! 

At the end of the day, no matter how our children turn out, they will be ours and that is all that matters! (I truly hope they are nerds though!)

My Dog Ate My Clomid Pills My Struggle With PCOS

What? Yeah, that's right! Jack ate my clomid pills. Wrapper and all. 

I thought I heard him jumping up against the counter but I didn't think anything of it. 

Then all I found that was left was the Baggie they came in. 

Neat Jack! Thank you so much! :)

Great Read My Struggle With PCOS

This is probably the best article I have read about husbands and infertility. I think for a husband, it has to be so very hard to see what your wife is going through day in and day out. It is a husbands natural reaction to want to protect their wife. Unfortunately, there are some things in life you can't be protected from! 

http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/05/17/sedaka.infertility.husbands/

Cheers! My Struggle With PCOS

Started Clomid again today. 

Cheers to: 

Insomnia

Cold sweats

Hot Flashes

Charlie horses

Mood swings (if my husband calls me b*tchy again this round, it's going down!!) 

Low patience 

Abdominal Cramping 

Creepy dreams 

Oh, and the possibility of getting pregnant! :) 

Both apply to the outside world and my husband! :)