Things that bother me lately

Sorry in advance if this offends anyone.

Lately, for some reason, a lot of things that never used to bother me have REALLY started to annoy me. To the point where I just need to get it out.  Here are a few of those things, hopefully I feel better when its done.

First--People who share a facebook page with their spouse. This doesn't bother me as much if only one person uses it, but when people flip back and forth between users and you can't really tell who it is. My opinion, not that you asked for it, is that if you are BOTH going to use facebook, then please, have your own facebook.

Second--People who thank God for EVERYTHING. As most people know, I am not a believer. So to me, it is quite annoying, but I get that some people need to believe to get through their day and that is fine. But really, you don't need to thank god for letting you take a shit that day. Quite frankly, it is science that allowed you to take a shit.  Or the thing that annoys me the most is "I'm not going to worry about money, because god will provide." No. The way you will get money is by getting off your ass and getting a job. This is the same mindset of people who are getting government assistance. "Why work when the government will provide". I am sorry but if one more person on the phone tells me they will pay their bill when God provides it to them. IT IS DUE NOW.  Sorry, but when you sign up for a service you know there will be a bill due, if you don't have the money, then why would you sign up?? 

Third--WRONG NUMBERS. If you know me, then you know that I have a phone job. So here is a little advice for people. If your number is getting called and it is a wrong number, simply say "wrong number" when the person asks you for a better number, because trust me, they will. Say "I don't know that person"  If you say "they aren't available" the person will call back. When I ask you for a better number and you say "wrong number" again. You aren't answering my question. I get that it is a wrong number, I am trying to find a better number to contact them.

Fourth--BITCHES.  Seriously, I have met more bitches in the last few months then I have ever met in my life. And if you knew me back in high school, you know how big of a bitch I was. But these people take the cake. It is ridiclious that decisions that I make in my life are like front page news these days.  Its annoying that rumors get started about such exciting news as being engaged, when its not true at all. I fell like when I finally do get to announce that I'm engaged it wont be as special, because everyone already thought I was.

FIFTH--IGNORANT PEOPLE. Lately I have also bet a lot of ignorant people. It should be no surprise that a lot of these people are people from number 4 as well. But anyways, here is my thing. Choosing not to educate yourself in todays world is the stupidest decision that you can make. There are so many things going on in the world and decisions that are being made that will directly affect not only our own future but our children's direct future. I think that as a person you need to be so aware of these things to make decisions about your family and your own future choices. I just could not imagine not being educated and choosing to be ignorant yet these people openly admit that they are ignorant and they love it...quite stupid if you ask me.

Anyways, that is enough for today. I feel a little better!!

Who am I when you're not looking?

Wow!! I heard this song for the first time the other day and it is ME!! I cant believe it!! Well maybe not the "you're so good looking" thing, but all of the little quotes in between are ME!!!




My, oh, my, you're so good looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all you're cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking

Do you pour a little something on the rocks
Slide down the hallway in your socks
When you undress, do you leave a path
Then sing through your nose in a bubble bath

My, oh, my, you're so good looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all you're cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking

I want to know, I want to know, I want to know

Do you break things when you get mad
Eat a box of chocolate cause you're feeling bad
Do you paint your toes cause you bite your nails
And call up mama when all else fails

Who are you when I'm not around
When the door is locked and the shades are down
Do you listen to your music quietly
And when it feels just right are you thinking of me?

I want to know, I want to know, I want to know

My, oh, my, you're so good looking
But who are you when I'm not looking




And all I have to say is that I am sooooo happy that I have found somebody who knows exactly who I am when he isnt around, and he loves me anyways! Because trust me... I do A LOT of things that would make a person think twice when everyone isn't around.  Such as when I'm sick, I stick kleenex up my nose and sit around the house so I dont have to blow my nose! :) 

What's Missing?

So people who read this can judge me all they want, call me crazy, laugh at me...etc and truthfully I hope that they do! :)

You know when you are in a relationship and there is just something missing but you don't know what that is. Well I finally figured out what has been missing in all of my relationships until now. That is commitment.  I love commitment in any form and it is like I need it on a daily basis to get through. Not just long term commitment, but what are we going to do tonight? what are we going to eat tomorrow? I need commitment in all aspects. It is no surprise to most people that know me that I don't do well with change. I like for , and things to work like clock work and for that to happen you need commitment.

Well, that is exactly what I have in this relationship...in all aspects.  People may think we are moving to fast, they may think that we are being stupid, or jumping into things, but only we know how we feel and truly that is all that matters right?

We talk about the future like it is happening tomorrow and I love it. We have already decided to move in together in June and are currently looking for a house or duplex.  We talk about our wedding all the time. It is actually kind of disgusting how much we do! (not really. I LOVE it).  But its not only the long term commitment I love about him, its all the little things that he does throughout the day to show his commitment and to really show he understands how much I need things planned.

For instance just today, I have been talking about wanting to go see my Grandma for quite sometime now and today, MONDAY, he says "So, were going to go down and see your Grandma this weekend right?"  I just LOVE it. We already have our weekend planned and we are committed to it.

I don't know if this really makes sense to a lot of people, but for someone who grew up with not a lot of stability, having someone in my life who is willing to go the extra mile to make sure that my life is fulled with stability and commitment, it means the world to me....and I truly cant wait to spend the rest of my life being committed to each other and our day to day life.

Grieving

There are no words to describe the pain that I feel from losing my Grandpa. Every call I make home I am waiting to hear that deep monotone voice answer the phone saying "hellllo" and then as soon as you say hello back he says "wanna talk to your grandma". I wait and wait, and that doenst happen, and it wont...and it breaks my my heart.

I dont know how to grieve his loss because I dont know how to accept that he is gone. The longer I stay in Cedar Falls and the more I pretend that he just isnt answering the phone it will all go away, right?  Wrong. Im afraid that I am going about this all the wrong ways.  I know this because when I lay in bed at night my eyes well up and I do all that I can do to hold back tears, hold back completely breaking down.  I think that I just need to let myself do it, I need to let myself let go. Letting go is too scary for me though.

While going through the process of losing my Grandpa, I didnt spend much time at the hospital. I was there for a couple hours at a time and then would leave to take care of my Grandma, run errands for the family, wrap Christmas presents, etc.  I couldnt sit there and watch this man that was my rock, my unbreakable man lay in a hospital bed withering away to nothing.  Now that he is gone I am catching myself regretting not spending those last moments with him.  I am almost beating myself up about it. Thinking in my head "as my Grandpa was taking some of his lasts breaths I was out eating lunch with Nate"  I know that there is nothing wrong with this as my Grandpa and I had talked about how I felt about his final days, but I still cant change the way I feel and what I am thinking.

I guess at this point what I'm saying is that I need to grieve the loss of my Grandpa...but I dont know how to let go.  I feel that once I start grieving I will be letting go of the feelings I have towards my Grandpa. And I dont want that to happen.

I guess its probably time I maybe ask for help on this.

Trust

Everyone has a different view on trust and I think that is what makes relationships fail and survive. Me personally, I think that trust is something that evolves and matures as the relationship does.  When you are in a relationship with someone there is really no way that you can fully trust them right away. As you have experiences and grow together so does your trust for each other.

For me, trust isnt much of an issue. I have always trusted people until they show me otherwise. That may be a fault of mine, and I think it has hurt me in different circumstances, but it's just my beliefs. If someone doenst trust me, I dont mind. I understand that I must ear their trust and that if I care about the relationship enough, then I will fight for that trust.

I understand that people have had things happen in their life that changes their trust issue. It breaks my heart when I hear some of the things that people have done to others. I just could never live with myself if I broke someone's heart.

My Grandfather-My Best Friend

Grandfather. The dictionary would define you as a noun, the father of one's mother or father. To me, you were so much more. You were just as the word sounds a grand father. You were a man you didn't have to be and from a very young age I even thought that you were my 'father' and chose to call you Dad until they broke me of that habit.  As far back as I can remember it was me and you, together, against the world.  Where ever you were, I wanted to be, whatever you were doing, I did too.  I can remember sitting in the chair with you watching T.V. and falling asleep on your "water bed" as we called your belly.  I can remember 'helping' you pack your supper to take into Maytag. I'm sure I wasnt much help but you never said a thing, you always just let me help you.  

To me, even from a young young age you were untouchable, unbreakable.  The man who knew everyone and everything. My hero.  I didnt realize back then that carrying that belief with me my whole life would make losing you even harder. You always said "its along ways from your heart". But this pain Grandpa, its right in the middle of my heart and it doesn't go away.  If you were here you would tell me to suck it up, and that everything will be ok.  

I remember the first time you called me girl, I thought it was your little nickname for me. I quickly realized that you called us all girl, so you didn't have to remember our names! There are things that were just between me and you though Gramps.  Like stopping at Jersey Freeze on our way back from Red Rock and you saying "shh don't tell Nannie" or when you would pick me up from school sick and stop at Burger King to get me french friends and a strawberry shake. You always said the salt would fix my throat and the shake was to chase the fries! But secertly you knew that when we got home and you went to work, Nannie would make me drink warm 7-up and gargle salt water all night long. We also never told Nannie about the time you made Hamburger Helper that was so bad we both spit it out and laughed and laughed and then went and ate at Midtown. What about the time I came home crying because Chad and the other neighbor boys wouldn't let me play. You told me "girl, you've got your whole life to chase boys, now one thing you need to learn is you need to let them chase you too". So that next day I came back crying again, this time all bloodied up, and between Nannies screams you asked me what happend, I told you I was pedaling on my bike as fast as I could so the boys would be chasing me. Once Nannie left the bathroom to get more towels you high-fived me and said "that's my girl!" There are so many moments just like that Grandpa. I could go on and on.  I will never forget you whispering into my ear at my first prom that I would be the prettiest girl at the dance, or when you told me on move in day at college that this was one of the proudest moments of your life. There are so many things that I will remember about you Grandpa, so many things that you have taught me, engraved in me, and built for me. 

As my life went on you always told me I didn't have to make time for you. You knew I was busy and you wanted me to be out with my friends and enjoying life. Grandpa there is nothing I would have rather been doing then sitting outside with you scratching away a crossword lottery ticket, or sitting inside laughing and talking with you.  There is nothing better in life to me then to hear your stories and your adventures.  But the greatest thing I liked to hear was you telling me you loved me. You always said there was no joy like the joy your Grandkids have brought you, and Grandpa there is no joy like the joy you have brought us. 

A couple months before you started getting really sick, we laid in your bed and talked about life. You told me to make sure I take time to live. You said money makes you happy and takes the worry away, but you found out the first time you ever held Afton that there is time for worry, because when you look into your families eyes all the worry goes away.  You told me to make sure I take risks, and not be afraid to fail. You told me you could never be disappointed in me and I can fail as many times as I want, as long as I succeed that one time.  You told me to make sure I marry a boy who loves his Mom, you didn't care if your boys were mama-boys because if he isn't a mama-boy he isn't a good boy.  But you did tell me to make sure I let that boy know that you could still shoot a shot gun from heaven, and if he ever hurt your little girl, you wouldn't be afraid to make some noise. I told you I couldn't imagine life without you, and there was so much I didn't know how to do, because you always did it for me. You told me I would learn, and if I ever needed any help to look beside me, because you would be standing there helping me.  You asked me to make you two promises that day, and I told you I didn't make promises I couldn't keep. Grandpa, I told you I couldn't promise you I wouldn't hurt, because this is the greatest pain I have ever felt, but I will always keep up our other promise. You told me that day the greatest worry you had was not being able to walk your little girl down the aisle. You made me promise you I would never let anybody else walk me down the aisle because you would be there with me walking each step with me. And Grandpa I promise you, when that day comes, well let's be serious here, IF that day every comes, I will walk down that aisle with YOU, walking each step with me.  

So Gramps, today I hurt, but tomorrow, tomorrow I will pull up my big girl panties and I will deal with it. Just like you always told me too. I will continue living life the way you wanted me too and I will continue to grow into the beautiful woman you alway said I would be.  But one thing that will never change, I will always be your baby girl. I love you more than anything in the world!