I want it all... My Struggles With PCOS

We spent this last week in Iowa celebrating my sister in laws wedding. It was a beautiful week, laced with so much love and happiness. We got to spend time with family we rarely see, meet new people and make new friends! Being in Iowa is exactly what my heart needs at times.

One of the greatest blessings in life is being Uncle Nathan and Aunt Amanda. We love our nieces and nephews to pieces. We love to spoil them, love on them, and cuddle the youngest ones! I would cuddle the older ones too, but that might be awkward! :) 

We got to feed our baby niece Bella! That was fun watching Nathan try and understand how she could eat warm applesauce like it was a meat lovers pizza! We both got to rock our baby nephew Langston to sleep at different times. We played football with Braydon and relaxed with Chance. It was all magical to us. I know that sounds odd, but being so far away from our family, we truly cherish the moments we do get. 

Unfortunately, the longing to have that all for yourself rears its ugly head. I want to feed my own baby applesauce, I want to rock my own toddler to sleep. I want to play football in my own backyard with my rambunctious 6 year old and I want a 13 year old who is seriously the coolest cat there is. I want it all. 

Last night I posted a quote my husband said. It came from a discussion at dinner. We were talking about all the places we've traveled and how we can't wait to take our kids there. Have them experience the sketchy hotel in Atlanta we stayed at, and re-walk from the White House to where Lincoln was shot. To ride around DC all day just people watching. Take them to the first restaurant we went to in New Braunfels. We were laughing so hard remembering things we had tears running down our faces. Then it hit Nathan. I saw it hit him right in the heart. 

We may never have kids. We may never get to show them all those places, or relive all the memories. He looked at me, grabbed my hand and reassured me, he's loved the life we've lived. I squeezed his hand and excused myself from the restaurant. I thought all night about wanting it all. 

Then today, I saw this picture on my Facebook today and was reminded that we may never have our own children, but we have nieces and nephews whom I know think the two of us are pretty cool. So we get to continue to be these magicial people in their lives. I don't need to want it all, when I already have it all. <3

Got Eggs? My Struggle with PCOS

I wanted to write this quick blog for a couple of reasons. 1. I am putting off writing an emotional one and 2. I need to speak to all of you from my heart. 

Okay, so a couple of weeks ago I wrote what I thought was a pretty funny post about shopping for eggs online. Sometimes I just have to make light of this situation, otherwise the emotions would just overwhelm me.

It's true. Nathan and I need a donor egg to attempt to have a child. The worst part is that even with that donor egg, there is only a 30% chance I would have a viable pregnancy. 

I will tell you, since I put that post out I have been flooded with messages and text with friends, family and acquaintances offering me the use of their eggs. Wow! What amazing people we have in our life. From the bottom of my heart, I say thank you! Thank you! 

Nathan and I have talked and talked...and talked and talked some more. And then I've kept talking some more. What is best for us? What do we want to do? Where does this end for us? What are our dreams and desires. 

I want to be pregnant. I want to carry a child. I want to give birth. I want to breastfeed. I want it all. I want my baby to be my baby. 

Therefore, Nathan and I made the decision that we would not want to use eggs of someone we know. I don't know how it would feel, I don't know for sure what we would think. It's just a decision that we made. 

There is so much emotion and thoughts and feelings that go into all of this. Not every journey is the same. I firmly believe everyone needs to follow their hearts and make the journey, their journey! 

So, I can't say thank you enough for the gestures. It truly melts me to my soul. I just hope you can all understand why that option isn't part of our journey! ❤️

It never gets easier... My Struggle With PCOS

Hello, all! It's been a while! I wish I had good news...but there is really no news on the Jones Babymaking Homefront. When I say no news, I mean...no baby! 

I was asked a question recently and I thought I would just address it. 

The question asked was: "Doesn't it get easier by now? I mean, aren't you used to it?"

I would first like to say, this question goes in the category of 'completely out of line'. Obviously! But...a part of me...a part of me can understand the question. Trust me when I say, I hate this and the emotional roller coaster it puts me on just as much as the rest of you...probably more! I have this unique view of it...the view of watching it all unfold from the inside...feeling helpless to change it. 

To answer the question...all I can say is that I've learned that infertility is its own aunique form of grief. It's a type of grief that never really goes away and keeps appearing time after time. 

Grief is not new to me. I lost my father when I was 9 years old and lost my Grandparents, who were like parents to me, a few years back. All of these loses shook me to the core. There is something they all have in common...slowly with time...I've moved on. Life has gotten a little easier and the grief lessens with them. There are triggers to this grief, but generally I know what those are and try and avoid them! 

Infertility is a completely different type of grief.  Previously, I would experience this grief every single month. So no, it didn't get easier because it was a new loss every single month. It was the loss of a dream, a goal, a hope. It was something that I worked hard for...only to be ripped from me. It was something that I invested my entire being into...only to come out empty handed. It was like losing my Nannie and my Grandpa all over again every single month of the year. The pain, the heartache, the emptiness...it's something I truly don't think you can ever understand unless you've been through it yourself. 

Once we learned that we, the two of us together, could not naturally have a child...it became a NEW different type of grief. I know, every single day, what it will take for my husband and I to have a baby. I know we don't have the money to afford this and I know it will take some BIG decisions to make it happen. It's a type of grief disguised as guilt that I feel every second of every day. I don't know what triggers it, or when the grief (guilt) will come, it just comes. I sat in my car in the Target parking lot crying hysterically for 30 minutes when I spent $80 on toiletries thinking that money could have gone to having a baby. And let me tell you...I've never cried after spending money at Target before. Usually I rejoice.  I left work one day to go home and cry on my bathroom floor when I saw a new associate put up pictures of her husband and new baby in her cubicle. Old Amanda, she didn't leave work...she was tougher than that. Of course I then cried harder thinking I was letting so many people down by leaving work to lay on my bathroom floor and cry. Then I was embarrassed for laying on my bathroom floor crying, instead of being at work that I cried even harder. Then I was so mad at myself for being embarrassed that I cried even harder. I'm sure you see where this is going! Infertility...the grief that keeps on giving. 

It's funny that they asked if I am used to it. I don't know if you can ever get  used to the gut wrenching pain that swipes through your body and knocks you on your ass. Funny though, I do know exactly how it's going to feel, I know what it's going to do to me, but I can't control it. So no, it doesn't get any easier. It pretty much gets worse.

Almost three years into this and I would say that I feel more guilt and more grief today then I did taking that first negative pregnancy test. Back then we were so carefree. It was a game of sorts for us. We had no expectations, no goals, no hopes, no dreams. We were just living life and if that life gave us a baby...GREAT! Then I actually lived that life. We made goals together, we talked about our hopes and our dreams. We wrote them down, we 'pinned' them, we prayed for them. Yet...they didn't come. Every day I live this life with my husband and fall more and more in love with him every day. I know the man that he is, I know the father that he could be...and I know...I can't fulfill that for him. That's a unique type of guilt I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy! 

So, I guess to point blank answer the question....I'm not used to it, it isn't easier. I don't think it ever will be. I'm sure your asking because you think it's ridiculous that I still get upset 3 years later. So, I'll admit...I could probably deal with it a little better. But, I'm doing the best I can. Some months I have it in me...some months I don't. Lately the dont's have outweighed the do's, but I'm working on that. I promise! 

For everyone who has stuck by my side...thank you for understanding. For everyone else...I pray you can find the understanding. I'm not a weak person, but infertility has found a way to break me at times. And when I'm broken...I just need a little time to put myself back together.  

Dear 'Childless on Mother's Day' My Struggle with PCOS

An open letter to all the women childless on Mothers Day. 

Dear Friend, 

Today sucks. I know it does. It is so easy to sit in our little pity bubble and feel so sorry for ourselves. We open up Facebook and everyone is raving about loving their Mom's so much, how lucky they are to be a Mom, and husbands who never post, are making their yearly post. 

We go to the store and we can barely breathe. Have we never realized before how many balloons there are, or flower arrangements? Do people actually buy these cookie cakes for their mom's or is it all there to taunt us? 

We go out to eat and we know everyone is looking at us. 'Why doesn't she have her kids on Mother's Day?' 'Is she pregnant?' We have now convinced ourselves that everyone and everything on Mother's Day is there to taunt us. To remind us, we are not Mothers. 

I am here to tell you, it's all in your head. We have to get out of our heads to make it through this day. There are Mothers out there that need us. There are Mothers out there that love us.

For the past 2 years, I haven't done anything for Mother's Day. I didn't buy cards, I didn't order flowers, I didn't even acknowledge it. My husband ordered the flowers, my husband bought the cards, my husband handled business on Mother's Day, so I didn't have to. 

I have an amazing Mom, my sister is a fantastic mother. My sister in law is second to none, and my mother in law is right up there as well! Nathan has amazing grandma's, we both have fantastic Aunts. But I don't care. I am the one who is childless on Mother's Day. I am the one in pain, I am the one grieving. 

I am sure that many of you feel this same way. You spend Mother's Day sitting in your pity ball, waving a flag to God saying WHY NOT ME? WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?? I've been there. I am there. 

But this Mother's Day, let's be different. Lets not stay buried in my pity ball. (My pity ball is laying in bed with the covers pulled over my head, reading books). Lets  help celebrate so many wonderful women in our lives. Lets spread love, not hate. Lets not let our infertility define us. 

We will be childless on Mother's Day, but we will survive. 

Happy Mother's Day

Today was THAT day! My Struggle With PCOS

Well...today was THAT day! In so many different ways, today was THAT day! Today was the day I hit my bottom....again! I can't really tell you how many times I have hit "bottom", because every time "bottom" looks a lot different. It feels different, it acts different, and it is portrayed different. Today...today was THAT day.

For the past couple of weeks I have been taking all the medications to start the IVF Cycle. We are (were) you what you call the Stimulation Phase. This is the phase where the Dr's are regularly monitoring my follicles to ensure that they are maturing and that there are a good number of them to harvest eventually. Today was the day that I was supposed to go in and get my trigger shot. This trigger shot is given to jump start ovulation. This is when they would then go in and retrieve the eggs.

Throughout this phase, I have known that my FSH  levels in my blood have been low. My follicles are not maturing, so there would be no egg that would produce. I, of course, have held out hope. Hope is what this entire journey has been for me. At 8:17am, as I was in line at McDonalds getting a biscuit to eat with my newly bought homemade Raspberry jelly, I got the call. I got the call that the Fertility Specialist wanted to go ahead and cancel this cycle. I dropped the Large Orange Juice that the lady handed me, and sat there in shock. I don't know why I was in shock. I knew the news was coming. I mean, I have always known that I don't ovulate, because I don't produce an egg. But, I sat there in shock. The nice lady poured me another Large OJ and told me to have a blessed day.

I rushed back into work, gave my husband his breakfast, and sat down at my desk. I had a pretty important call that I needed to be on at 8:30, it was currently 8:28, but all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in a ball, and cry. I wanted to cry all the tears I had in my body to cry. I wanted to throw things, I wanted to punch someone, but mostly, I wanted to hold onto my husband and cry. At 8:29, I wiped my tears, and jumped on the call. I remember one of my boss' telling me that I was being quiet, but that is all I really remember.

I knew throughout the day that I was at my bottom. Supervisors were asking me if everything was okay, agents were asking me why I looked so sad. I had a tooth ache, so that was my excuse. I don't know why I told them that. I don't know why I just didn't tell the truth. I look like this and I am acting like this because I failed. My body failed me.

I remembered around 1:40 that I was supposed to have $1,000 to give to associates by 2:15. My husband saved me. I remembered around 2:30, the last time I ate was a biscuit at 8:30, my husband got me Chick-Fil-A. I remember around 3:30 throwing that back up. It was around that time that I realized that I had a voicemail on my phone. I made myself believe for a quick 30 seconds that it was the Dr's office calling me back. It wasn't them. It was also around then that I remembered I had a meeting with my boss.

You know those moments in life when you know you're at your bottom, but you don't know what to do or how to start climbing back out. That is me. I learned today that maybe I am not holding myself together as much as I think that I am. I also learned today that I tend to go inward when I am in pain or feel myself failing. I see myself failing a lot lately, so it makes sense that I would be turning inwardly more and more.

For me...today was THAT day. But tomorrow, tomorrow will be THAT tomorrow and I get a chance to wake up and start fresh. A new dawn will be on me and I get to make the choice if I am still at my bottom, or if I start climbing back up. It's really no fun at my bottom. I am grouchy, I am annoyed, I am angry, I can be hurtful. I want to climb back up. So tomorrow...tomorrow will be THAT day. Tomorrow will be the day that I leave my bottom.

You Are Not Alone My Struggle With PCOS

When I first started writing this blog, I let many people know that it was me that was writing it. My husband is a very very private man, and he was very uneasy with me letting the world know what was happening in our marriage. He also knew that by choosing me as his wife, people were always going to know what was happening in our marriage. I am an open book...sometimes even to a fault. 

I was asked to write a guest blog for National Infertility Week. They wanted it written about the motto for this year 'you are not alone'. They wanted it written by women who sometimes felt alone in their journey even though their husband stood right next to them. 

I was all down with writing the blog, but I also wanted my husband to have a chance to share his side of it. I will admit there are times that I have felt alone. I have an amazing husband whom I love for so many different reasons. I also know that he doesn't show a lot of emotion and he doesn't make things a big deal. When Drama is your middle name, you can sometimes get frustrated. 

So, here is my husbands story. The man who gives me light, who gives me hope and most of all, the man who has loved me through times I truly believe others would have walked away. He is my rock, my anchor and my shoulder to cry on.

"The struggle to start a family is real.  Having spent most of my life avoiding starting a family makes this statement a bit ironic to actually write down.  Even so, the struggle is real.  The struggle has been depressing, humorous, exhausting and maybe even a little fun.

I will get to how going through this could be fun in a second. I need to first mention (if it isn't obvious already) that I don't want to talk about this.  I think everyone who knows me understands that I am an extremely private person when it comes to matters like these. I am a man who gets uncomfortable at the grocery store when others look in my cart (what I eat is my business). I am writing this for my wife, hoping it can bring some peace and maybe a little hope that I truly am walking along side of her through this issue.

When I said before the struggle can be fun - it can.  Trying to start a family is the most important choice you can make in your life.  The decision to start a family was unlike one either of us had EVER made.  It was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time for the same reason.  Being responsible for another human being, for the rest of your life.  When I think about the relationship I have with my parents, it is an amazing thought that I can develop that relationship with my child.  When I think about the possibility of my kid growing up and starring in Teen Mom, the thought is a tad bit less amazing.

We were on cloud 9 when we decided to bring a life to this word.  It wasn't until we had trouble and Amanda made the decision to go on Clomid that my fortunes changed.  Now I must say that I have no idea what Vietnam was actually like - but I'm damn sure I can relate.  Upon prescribing that medicine it should be required the husband enter pre medication counseling for his own safety.  I am not going to pretend that I haven’t experience pure rage from the opposite sex in my relationships in the past, but experiencing Clomid was a much different experience.  I will keep most of the details private, all I will say is that Amanda wasn’t herself and the thought of having a child seemed too much work to be worth it. That is when I felt Amanda lost all hope, and thought I stopped walked beside her. 

Soon after we stopped the medicine the choice we made of starting a family, that was once promising, became depressing.  When Amanda came off the medication she pretty much lost all hope of having a child naturally.  Seeing her go through that has been hard.  I would compare the emotion to being a fan of the Chicago Cubs.  You just feel helpless.  Trying to help her through this realization was like me attempting to put together an entertainment center – it justwasn’t going to happen, and my jokes didn't help either. 

Given a bit of time, both of our attitudes have improved.  We are looking toward our next steps.  Adopting has never been an option for me, so we have turned our sights to IVF.  People can think less of me if they wish, but raising another person’s child is just not my style. Speaking of IVF, I would actually like to add an E to the end of the IVF acronym.  IVFE - I'm Very Fucking Expensive.  

I know that Amanda and I will  wind up doing IVF.  I was meant to be a father, Amanda was meant to be a mother.  It is just unfortunate that our fantastic trips to the mall are going to have to take a backseat to paying a doctor.  And, my shoe collection probably won't grow for a while. However, when I think about how amazing it would be to raise a family of my own – I can’t place a price on it. Even digi-camo Air Force ones don't hold a candle to the thought of holding my own child in my arms. 

Throughout this whole event I have learned a few things.  Even if we don't have kids I am so lucky to be married to the woman that I am married too.  We are lucky to have the supportive family that we have.  I am also very lucky that even through the struggle – we have never lost our sense of humor. (Well, I have never lost my sense of humor)

Will we have kids?  I honest don't know.  What I do know...I have to best wife and family in the world - and that's all that really matters."

Nathan--I admire you and  I appreciate you. Thank you for loving me through days I ask you not to. Thanks for sticking beside me even when I tell you to find someone who can give you the children you want. Thank you for the jokes, the laughter, the fun. On a scale of 1-10, I love you 987,654,321! 

An Update-Our Odds My Struggle With PCOS

I haven't written in a long while. Truthfully, I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't want to be that annoying girl that just always complains about not being pregnant. I don't want to be pitied, or to have people feel bad for me. I have an amazing job, and amazing husband, wonderful friends and a fantastic family. My life..it's pretty great. But there is news. 

Here is an update on our infertility journey:

We will never (I don't trust that word) be able to get pregnant naturally. It's just not in the cards for us. I don't produce an egg, nor do I ovulate. 

We will probably never (I hate that word) have a viable pregnancy. My uterus walls are already very thick and hard. They are continuing to harden monthly. The likelyhood of the egg latching to the wall  is slim to none. Actually, there is a 70% chance it will never happen. The Dr told me the time to get pregnant for me would have been 21-24 years old. Every year after that has decreased my chances significantly. 

My cycle is not regular (duh, I've known that forever). We made the leap to go and see an IVF doctor. This is like big time right. $16,000 for a 30% chance. No big deal. We want to be parents right? We'll do anything. (For the people who have told us we shouldn't do it, I would like for you to put a price on your child. I'm sure you would pay wayyy more for the precious gift you take for granted). Well, another update. I have to go on birth control to try and regulate my cycle. We have been tracking it for the last 2 months, and it hasn't been normal either month. Without a regular cycle, the DR's don't know when to start the medicine to do the egg retrieval. So, we will see what the Birth Control gets me. 

There is our update. It's sad. It's harsh. It hurts. It's why I haven't wanted to say anything. I feel like I'm grieving a life I always thought I would have. I make room in my heart every month for a child that never comes. I do this all between answering e-mails, cleaning bathroom trailers, changing schedules for people, etc, etc, etc. It's part of my every day life. It never leaves me. But then, there are the times where I get to spend a weekend with my husband and just 'be us'. We laugh, we joke, we cry at times. We forget words like 'never' exist. We make jokes about how doing life 'right' really jinxed us. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes..... Not a baby!! (Not intended to offend anyone, just being honest). We dream about all the things $16,000 could buy us. (My husband actually vomits at the thought of that). But at the end of all of it, we love. We love each other. We love our journey, we love the self discovery. We live, we laugh, and we love. Life keeps moving forward. We have to as well! 

I'm going to take a note out of my friend Tiffiny's book and ask that you please don't pity us. Just pray for us. Pray that the 30% chance is enough. Pray that the word 'never' really doesn't exist. Pray that at the end of all of this, we still have each other, because anything less is not a life I would want to live.