Well...today was THAT day! In so many different ways, today was THAT day! Today was the day I hit my bottom....again! I can't really tell you how many times I have hit "bottom", because every time "bottom" looks a lot different. It feels different, it acts different, and it is portrayed different. Today...today was THAT day.
For the past couple of weeks I have been taking all the medications to start the IVF Cycle. We are (were) you what you call the Stimulation Phase. This is the phase where the Dr's are regularly monitoring my follicles to ensure that they are maturing and that there are a good number of them to harvest eventually. Today was the day that I was supposed to go in and get my trigger shot. This trigger shot is given to jump start ovulation. This is when they would then go in and retrieve the eggs.
Throughout this phase, I have known that my FSH levels in my blood have been low. My follicles are not maturing, so there would be no egg that would produce. I, of course, have held out hope. Hope is what this entire journey has been for me. At 8:17am, as I was in line at McDonalds getting a biscuit to eat with my newly bought homemade Raspberry jelly, I got the call. I got the call that the Fertility Specialist wanted to go ahead and cancel this cycle. I dropped the Large Orange Juice that the lady handed me, and sat there in shock. I don't know why I was in shock. I knew the news was coming. I mean, I have always known that I don't ovulate, because I don't produce an egg. But, I sat there in shock. The nice lady poured me another Large OJ and told me to have a blessed day.
I rushed back into work, gave my husband his breakfast, and sat down at my desk. I had a pretty important call that I needed to be on at 8:30, it was currently 8:28, but all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in a ball, and cry. I wanted to cry all the tears I had in my body to cry. I wanted to throw things, I wanted to punch someone, but mostly, I wanted to hold onto my husband and cry. At 8:29, I wiped my tears, and jumped on the call. I remember one of my boss' telling me that I was being quiet, but that is all I really remember.
I knew throughout the day that I was at my bottom. Supervisors were asking me if everything was okay, agents were asking me why I looked so sad. I had a tooth ache, so that was my excuse. I don't know why I told them that. I don't know why I just didn't tell the truth. I look like this and I am acting like this because I failed. My body failed me.
I remembered around 1:40 that I was supposed to have $1,000 to give to associates by 2:15. My husband saved me. I remembered around 2:30, the last time I ate was a biscuit at 8:30, my husband got me Chick-Fil-A. I remember around 3:30 throwing that back up. It was around that time that I realized that I had a voicemail on my phone. I made myself believe for a quick 30 seconds that it was the Dr's office calling me back. It wasn't them. It was also around then that I remembered I had a meeting with my boss.
You know those moments in life when you know you're at your bottom, but you don't know what to do or how to start climbing back out. That is me. I learned today that maybe I am not holding myself together as much as I think that I am. I also learned today that I tend to go inward when I am in pain or feel myself failing. I see myself failing a lot lately, so it makes sense that I would be turning inwardly more and more.
For me...today was THAT day. But tomorrow, tomorrow will be THAT tomorrow and I get a chance to wake up and start fresh. A new dawn will be on me and I get to make the choice if I am still at my bottom, or if I start climbing back up. It's really no fun at my bottom. I am grouchy, I am annoyed, I am angry, I can be hurtful. I want to climb back up. So tomorrow...tomorrow will be THAT day. Tomorrow will be the day that I leave my bottom.