Today was THAT day! My Struggle With PCOS

Well...today was THAT day! In so many different ways, today was THAT day! Today was the day I hit my bottom....again! I can't really tell you how many times I have hit "bottom", because every time "bottom" looks a lot different. It feels different, it acts different, and it is portrayed different. Today...today was THAT day.

For the past couple of weeks I have been taking all the medications to start the IVF Cycle. We are (were) you what you call the Stimulation Phase. This is the phase where the Dr's are regularly monitoring my follicles to ensure that they are maturing and that there are a good number of them to harvest eventually. Today was the day that I was supposed to go in and get my trigger shot. This trigger shot is given to jump start ovulation. This is when they would then go in and retrieve the eggs.

Throughout this phase, I have known that my FSH  levels in my blood have been low. My follicles are not maturing, so there would be no egg that would produce. I, of course, have held out hope. Hope is what this entire journey has been for me. At 8:17am, as I was in line at McDonalds getting a biscuit to eat with my newly bought homemade Raspberry jelly, I got the call. I got the call that the Fertility Specialist wanted to go ahead and cancel this cycle. I dropped the Large Orange Juice that the lady handed me, and sat there in shock. I don't know why I was in shock. I knew the news was coming. I mean, I have always known that I don't ovulate, because I don't produce an egg. But, I sat there in shock. The nice lady poured me another Large OJ and told me to have a blessed day.

I rushed back into work, gave my husband his breakfast, and sat down at my desk. I had a pretty important call that I needed to be on at 8:30, it was currently 8:28, but all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in a ball, and cry. I wanted to cry all the tears I had in my body to cry. I wanted to throw things, I wanted to punch someone, but mostly, I wanted to hold onto my husband and cry. At 8:29, I wiped my tears, and jumped on the call. I remember one of my boss' telling me that I was being quiet, but that is all I really remember.

I knew throughout the day that I was at my bottom. Supervisors were asking me if everything was okay, agents were asking me why I looked so sad. I had a tooth ache, so that was my excuse. I don't know why I told them that. I don't know why I just didn't tell the truth. I look like this and I am acting like this because I failed. My body failed me.

I remembered around 1:40 that I was supposed to have $1,000 to give to associates by 2:15. My husband saved me. I remembered around 2:30, the last time I ate was a biscuit at 8:30, my husband got me Chick-Fil-A. I remember around 3:30 throwing that back up. It was around that time that I realized that I had a voicemail on my phone. I made myself believe for a quick 30 seconds that it was the Dr's office calling me back. It wasn't them. It was also around then that I remembered I had a meeting with my boss.

You know those moments in life when you know you're at your bottom, but you don't know what to do or how to start climbing back out. That is me. I learned today that maybe I am not holding myself together as much as I think that I am. I also learned today that I tend to go inward when I am in pain or feel myself failing. I see myself failing a lot lately, so it makes sense that I would be turning inwardly more and more.

For me...today was THAT day. But tomorrow, tomorrow will be THAT tomorrow and I get a chance to wake up and start fresh. A new dawn will be on me and I get to make the choice if I am still at my bottom, or if I start climbing back up. It's really no fun at my bottom. I am grouchy, I am annoyed, I am angry, I can be hurtful. I want to climb back up. So tomorrow...tomorrow will be THAT day. Tomorrow will be the day that I leave my bottom.

You Are Not Alone My Struggle With PCOS

When I first started writing this blog, I let many people know that it was me that was writing it. My husband is a very very private man, and he was very uneasy with me letting the world know what was happening in our marriage. He also knew that by choosing me as his wife, people were always going to know what was happening in our marriage. I am an open book...sometimes even to a fault. 

I was asked to write a guest blog for National Infertility Week. They wanted it written about the motto for this year 'you are not alone'. They wanted it written by women who sometimes felt alone in their journey even though their husband stood right next to them. 

I was all down with writing the blog, but I also wanted my husband to have a chance to share his side of it. I will admit there are times that I have felt alone. I have an amazing husband whom I love for so many different reasons. I also know that he doesn't show a lot of emotion and he doesn't make things a big deal. When Drama is your middle name, you can sometimes get frustrated. 

So, here is my husbands story. The man who gives me light, who gives me hope and most of all, the man who has loved me through times I truly believe others would have walked away. He is my rock, my anchor and my shoulder to cry on.

"The struggle to start a family is real.  Having spent most of my life avoiding starting a family makes this statement a bit ironic to actually write down.  Even so, the struggle is real.  The struggle has been depressing, humorous, exhausting and maybe even a little fun.

I will get to how going through this could be fun in a second. I need to first mention (if it isn't obvious already) that I don't want to talk about this.  I think everyone who knows me understands that I am an extremely private person when it comes to matters like these. I am a man who gets uncomfortable at the grocery store when others look in my cart (what I eat is my business). I am writing this for my wife, hoping it can bring some peace and maybe a little hope that I truly am walking along side of her through this issue.

When I said before the struggle can be fun - it can.  Trying to start a family is the most important choice you can make in your life.  The decision to start a family was unlike one either of us had EVER made.  It was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time for the same reason.  Being responsible for another human being, for the rest of your life.  When I think about the relationship I have with my parents, it is an amazing thought that I can develop that relationship with my child.  When I think about the possibility of my kid growing up and starring in Teen Mom, the thought is a tad bit less amazing.

We were on cloud 9 when we decided to bring a life to this word.  It wasn't until we had trouble and Amanda made the decision to go on Clomid that my fortunes changed.  Now I must say that I have no idea what Vietnam was actually like - but I'm damn sure I can relate.  Upon prescribing that medicine it should be required the husband enter pre medication counseling for his own safety.  I am not going to pretend that I haven’t experience pure rage from the opposite sex in my relationships in the past, but experiencing Clomid was a much different experience.  I will keep most of the details private, all I will say is that Amanda wasn’t herself and the thought of having a child seemed too much work to be worth it. That is when I felt Amanda lost all hope, and thought I stopped walked beside her. 

Soon after we stopped the medicine the choice we made of starting a family, that was once promising, became depressing.  When Amanda came off the medication she pretty much lost all hope of having a child naturally.  Seeing her go through that has been hard.  I would compare the emotion to being a fan of the Chicago Cubs.  You just feel helpless.  Trying to help her through this realization was like me attempting to put together an entertainment center – it justwasn’t going to happen, and my jokes didn't help either. 

Given a bit of time, both of our attitudes have improved.  We are looking toward our next steps.  Adopting has never been an option for me, so we have turned our sights to IVF.  People can think less of me if they wish, but raising another person’s child is just not my style. Speaking of IVF, I would actually like to add an E to the end of the IVF acronym.  IVFE - I'm Very Fucking Expensive.  

I know that Amanda and I will  wind up doing IVF.  I was meant to be a father, Amanda was meant to be a mother.  It is just unfortunate that our fantastic trips to the mall are going to have to take a backseat to paying a doctor.  And, my shoe collection probably won't grow for a while. However, when I think about how amazing it would be to raise a family of my own – I can’t place a price on it. Even digi-camo Air Force ones don't hold a candle to the thought of holding my own child in my arms. 

Throughout this whole event I have learned a few things.  Even if we don't have kids I am so lucky to be married to the woman that I am married too.  We are lucky to have the supportive family that we have.  I am also very lucky that even through the struggle – we have never lost our sense of humor. (Well, I have never lost my sense of humor)

Will we have kids?  I honest don't know.  What I do know...I have to best wife and family in the world - and that's all that really matters."

Nathan--I admire you and  I appreciate you. Thank you for loving me through days I ask you not to. Thanks for sticking beside me even when I tell you to find someone who can give you the children you want. Thank you for the jokes, the laughter, the fun. On a scale of 1-10, I love you 987,654,321! 

An Update-Our Odds My Struggle With PCOS

I haven't written in a long while. Truthfully, I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't want to be that annoying girl that just always complains about not being pregnant. I don't want to be pitied, or to have people feel bad for me. I have an amazing job, and amazing husband, wonderful friends and a fantastic family. My life..it's pretty great. But there is news. 

Here is an update on our infertility journey:

We will never (I don't trust that word) be able to get pregnant naturally. It's just not in the cards for us. I don't produce an egg, nor do I ovulate. 

We will probably never (I hate that word) have a viable pregnancy. My uterus walls are already very thick and hard. They are continuing to harden monthly. The likelyhood of the egg latching to the wall  is slim to none. Actually, there is a 70% chance it will never happen. The Dr told me the time to get pregnant for me would have been 21-24 years old. Every year after that has decreased my chances significantly. 

My cycle is not regular (duh, I've known that forever). We made the leap to go and see an IVF doctor. This is like big time right. $16,000 for a 30% chance. No big deal. We want to be parents right? We'll do anything. (For the people who have told us we shouldn't do it, I would like for you to put a price on your child. I'm sure you would pay wayyy more for the precious gift you take for granted). Well, another update. I have to go on birth control to try and regulate my cycle. We have been tracking it for the last 2 months, and it hasn't been normal either month. Without a regular cycle, the DR's don't know when to start the medicine to do the egg retrieval. So, we will see what the Birth Control gets me. 

There is our update. It's sad. It's harsh. It hurts. It's why I haven't wanted to say anything. I feel like I'm grieving a life I always thought I would have. I make room in my heart every month for a child that never comes. I do this all between answering e-mails, cleaning bathroom trailers, changing schedules for people, etc, etc, etc. It's part of my every day life. It never leaves me. But then, there are the times where I get to spend a weekend with my husband and just 'be us'. We laugh, we joke, we cry at times. We forget words like 'never' exist. We make jokes about how doing life 'right' really jinxed us. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes..... Not a baby!! (Not intended to offend anyone, just being honest). We dream about all the things $16,000 could buy us. (My husband actually vomits at the thought of that). But at the end of all of it, we love. We love each other. We love our journey, we love the self discovery. We live, we laugh, and we love. Life keeps moving forward. We have to as well! 

I'm going to take a note out of my friend Tiffiny's book and ask that you please don't pity us. Just pray for us. Pray that the 30% chance is enough. Pray that the word 'never' really doesn't exist. Pray that at the end of all of this, we still have each other, because anything less is not a life I would want to live. 

Why sometimes a break is needed My Journey with PCOS

For those of you that have been following along from day one, you already know this. To those of you who are new, here is the cliff notes on my story. 

May 2010 met my husband

May 2011 got engaged

Aug 2012 went off BC

Oct 2012 got married 

Jan 2015....still trying for a baby

I went through 6 months of clinic treatments. Got told I was pregnant, got told I lost the baby, then got told I was never pregnant! Ovulated once, got told my eggs were viable, never had a baby. Spent almost $10,000. 

I hit my bottom. Rock bottom. All I wanted was a baby. All I wanted was to get pregnant. I was a hot mess at work, my marriage was in shambles and my friends didn't really care for me. 

I walked away. My husband and I had the opportunity to transfer within the company we work for to a new state and start a new project. It was just what I needed. Instead of obsessing over having a baby, I just obsessed over starting an office. 

I have excelled at my job again (well...maybe not excelled, but I'm

Not a hot mess anymore), my marriage is in a wonderful place, and all my friends love me again (maybe because I live 1,100 miles away!)

Sometimes you just have to walk away. It doesn't mean you're dream is dead or your hope is gone. It just means that you are going to take the time to stop and live. Often times we get so caught up on our pursuit of happiness, we forget to stop and be happy. I'm happy. My husband is happy, our dog is happy, and that is truly all that matters in life. 

In March we will be starting our journey again. This time with some boundaries. I can't (no promises) go psycho again. Really, I won't let it happen this time. 

Infertility is mean, it's hurtful, and it's ugly. That doesn't mean I need to be those things! 

So right. now , I'm going to go back to being happy with my career, my husband, my dog, and our friends and family.  That doesn't mean that every night I won't pray for our miracle, or won't take my body temperature every morning or still do an ovulation test every night! Let's be honest, I'm still Amanda Jones and infertility drugs or not...I'll always be a little crazy! 

Laughed so hard I cried! My Journey with PCOS

So if you know me personally then you know that I love corny jokes. They make me laugh so hard I snort. They usually aren't funny at all to other people, but they laugh because I am laughing so hard. Sometimes I even lose my breath I laugh so hard!  

I came across this photo today and laughed so hard I cried. Seriously, best joke ever! 

I would rather spend my days crying from laughter then crying from the pain! 

Happy Tuesday y'all! 

Unanswered Prayers My Struggle With PCOS

This week has been a bad week. Month 29 of not getting pregnant. I know that it's not going to happen now with out medicial intervention, but there is something inside of you that just doesn't give up that hope that it will happen. 

Well, I was having a bad week, until today happened. I woke up this morning in excruciating pain (my wonderful cramps), so I got up and took a bath. I asked Nathan to get my some pain mess and he didn't realize I was in the bathroom so he was yelling throughout the house for me. This woke Jack up and then he was running all over the house. That woke up the baby next door and she was screaming bloody murder. What a night mare. 

We got to work and were telling the story to my boss and he said 'imagine that with 2 kids of your own'. My stomach dropped. It was one of the first times that I realized holyyyyy crap. What if we did have a child or children right now. I couldn't even imagine. 

A little over 3.5 Months ago we started on this adventure to Texas. We both accepted promotions and life has been a roller coaster. As of Jan 1st, Nathan will be adding more responsibility to his role and I accepted another promotion into a new portion as well. Life is crazy, life is fun, and our careers are taking us just where we wanted to go. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. We have both worked extremely hard to be where we are at in our careers. It seems as though all the stars are aligning. 

Sometimes we might just need to stop and thank God for our unanswered prayers...even if you want them answered more than anything else! 

You just never know... My Struggle With PCOS

There is something unique about having an invisible illness. No one knows unless you tell them. 

We all get up every morning, place a smile on our face and go out into the world and act as if our lives aren't crumbling apart inside of us. 

The even more unique thing, they are also the people who would never ask why you don't have kids yet, or when you're going to start trying. And you realize it in a second. 

You see I had the fortunate chance to meet someone else fighting the same battle I am fighting. Someone who feels all the same things I feel. Someone who just gets it. And boy was it ever nice. 

We talked, we laughed, we got mad, we got sad. The best thing...we did it together. 

You just never know what another person is going through. Be kind to everyone around you!