Hey y'all (yes, I'm embracing Texas)
I wanted to write this blog as sort of an apology. An apology to all of my friends, family, coworkers, people I meet in the streets, really anyone who wants to accept my apology!
Life has been rough lately. Well, probably no more rough then it usually is, I just haven't been dealing with it well. I am going to warn you now, I am going to get very real in this blog. I have gotten a lot more private lately, because I feel like I am judged for whatever I say, but I live life the best, when I live out in the open, so this is going to be raw, and its going to be real, and I am sure my husband is going to want to murder me when it's over! (He talks a big game, he could never live a day without me!)
I suck at life lately. Everything makes me sad, everything makes me mad, and everything little think makes me feel like a failure. I didn't park straight the other day, better have a 20 minute pity party about it. A couple of weekends ago, I literally laid in my bed with the covers over my head all weekend. Then I cried all day Monday because I felt like such a terrible wife. I feel like I'm in this downward spiral, and its a long way to hit rock bottom. Why would I feel that way?? I know, its the million dollar question. I have an amazing job, husband, new house, family, friends, yada, yada, yada. I dont know why I feel this way. I just do. And I cant shake it
I miss my Mom. I haven't seen her in almost a year and a half. I just want a big hug from her and to have her be annoying and not tell me that everything is going to be okay, because that isnt what my Mom does. She'll tell me to buck up and deal with it. I need to smell her Charlie perfume, and get annoyed because she has to smoke before she gets in the car, and then get even more annoyed because she always puts on chap stick after she smokes. I need to ask her why she is STILL wearing the same sweatshirts that she has worn all of my life when she has lost like 150 lbs and could wear clothes that actually show off her figure. I just need my Mom. Every girl does.
I'm a terrible wife. (It would be sweet of me to say that this is the part I feel like my husband will kill me over...just wait...its not even close) Like, if you looked up terrible wife in the dictionary, you would see me. I've been in such a funk. I get home from work and go to my bedroom and read a book, or go to sleep, or scour the internet. "Hey Amanda, wanna go out to eat?" "NO!" "Hey Amanda, wanna watch TV with me?" "NO". I'm such a b*tch. BUT, this is the sweet part. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. Like loves me more than I deserve. "Hey babe, here is a cold Mt Dew", "Hey Babe, I made you dinner", "Hey babe, I love you". Like really?!?! SWOON! He gets it. He sees it every day, he feels it too. He just happens to be strong enough for the both of us right now.
I miss my friends. Let me preface this by saying, I dont hate Texas. I dont hate the people in Texas, I dont hate the state of Texas. I am having fun. I obviously just built a house here, so I dont have any plans of leaving anytime soon. I just miss my friends. I miss Iowa. I miss laying on a couch watching TV with my best friend, not saying two words to each other, but getting everything we both needed out of the time together. I miss Tuesday night Date Night (Nathan worked Tuesday nights, so Erin and I always went to dinner). I miss hanging out with Allen and Hailey and laughing until our sides hurt. I miss downtown Cedar Falls. I just miss it. Moving away from home is hard. Nathan and I plan on going on vacation to Cedar Falls next year. No work, no obligations. Just hanging out with our friends. It. Will. Be. The. Greatest!
THIS IS GETTING LONG!! I'm sorry! It feels good to put it all out on paper though. Moving right along...
Here is the kicker...3,2,1...
INFERTILITY SUCKS!! Like duh, everyone knows that. But let me just tell you. Infertility sucks. I feel like each step we have taken, we have overcome. Dont ovulate, okay, lets fix that. Ovulate, but the egg doens't fertilize, okay, let's fix that. Oh, wait, your eggs dont mature, well....we can fix that too. Great. Let's do this. Now it comes to where you get to pick out the eggs. WOW. Well, can you give us some time?? Thats a big decision. Yeah, sure, take all the time you need. Okay. Let's look over every single profile, every single egg, every single attribute, every character. Then, you pick out the PERFECT egg for you. The one that you think will really make your baby look like you, even though it wont have your DNA. You make your appointment, you're so excited. And then...duh..duh...dun...someone else bought them..... . . .Yep. That happened.
That is when I lost it. Like, (I say that a lot, its the dramaticness (thats not a word, roll with me here) in me!), what did I ever do to deserve this sick sick world to be against me at every turn? I try and be a good person, I try and give back where we can. I try and care about others the way I would want them to care about me. I may not be doing great at that right now, but I mean...Ive been alive for 29 years, I think I've done good for the majority of that time. Cant I catch a break? Like when do things go my way?
If your still with me, I am sure some of you are feeling a pretty heavy heart right now. Please don't. I will prevail. I will pull out of it. How? Why? Well, my best friend is getting married. Queue the fireworks. Like seriously. It just reminded me that life keeps going, right? Every single person you meet in life is fighting a battle of some sorts. Some may be fighting, or some may be winning. Who am I to sit in this self pity and want to scream from the mountain tops "poor me"? I have an amazing husband who deserves the love that I know I can give him. I have a job that deserves the Amanda Jones that I know that I can be, now the half assed one that has been showing up lately. I have an amazing family and fantastic friends that deserve back everything that they have given me. And I deserve the best version of myself that I can be.
Obviously this change cant happen overnight. But, I put my big girl panties on tonight, and am going to start pulling myself up from my boot straps (again...I know....again). I am sure in this journey I will fall again, but I also think that I deserve to be able to do that. Ive been dealt a full basket of lemons and I can only make lemonade for so long.
Thanks to all who have read to this point. I love you all. I thank you all, and I promise to be better. <3