I was asked a question recently and I thought I would just address it.
The question asked was: "Doesn't it get easier by now? I mean, aren't you used to it?"
I would first like to say, this question goes in the category of 'completely out of line'. Obviously! But...a part of me...a part of me can understand the question. Trust me when I say, I hate this and the emotional roller coaster it puts me on just as much as the rest of you...probably more! I have this unique view of it...the view of watching it all unfold from the inside...feeling helpless to change it.
To answer the question...all I can say is that I've learned that infertility is its own aunique form of grief. It's a type of grief that never really goes away and keeps appearing time after time.
Grief is not new to me. I lost my father when I was 9 years old and lost my Grandparents, who were like parents to me, a few years back. All of these loses shook me to the core. There is something they all have in common...slowly with time...I've moved on. Life has gotten a little easier and the grief lessens with them. There are triggers to this grief, but generally I know what those are and try and avoid them!
Infertility is a completely different type of grief. Previously, I would experience this grief every single month. So no, it didn't get easier because it was a new loss every single month. It was the loss of a dream, a goal, a hope. It was something that I worked hard for...only to be ripped from me. It was something that I invested my entire being into...only to come out empty handed. It was like losing my Nannie and my Grandpa all over again every single month of the year. The pain, the heartache, the emptiness...it's something I truly don't think you can ever understand unless you've been through it yourself.
Once we learned that we, the two of us together, could not naturally have a child...it became a NEW different type of grief. I know, every single day, what it will take for my husband and I to have a baby. I know we don't have the money to afford this and I know it will take some BIG decisions to make it happen. It's a type of grief disguised as guilt that I feel every second of every day. I don't know what triggers it, or when the grief (guilt) will come, it just comes. I sat in my car in the Target parking lot crying hysterically for 30 minutes when I spent $80 on toiletries thinking that money could have gone to having a baby. And let me tell you...I've never cried after spending money at Target before. Usually I rejoice. I left work one day to go home and cry on my bathroom floor when I saw a new associate put up pictures of her husband and new baby in her cubicle. Old Amanda, she didn't leave work...she was tougher than that. Of course I then cried harder thinking I was letting so many people down by leaving work to lay on my bathroom floor and cry. Then I was embarrassed for laying on my bathroom floor crying, instead of being at work that I cried even harder. Then I was so mad at myself for being embarrassed that I cried even harder. I'm sure you see where this is going! Infertility...the grief that keeps on giving.
It's funny that they asked if I am used to it. I don't know if you can ever get used to the gut wrenching pain that swipes through your body and knocks you on your ass. Funny though, I do know exactly how it's going to feel, I know what it's going to do to me, but I can't control it. So no, it doesn't get any easier. It pretty much gets worse.
Almost three years into this and I would say that I feel more guilt and more grief today then I did taking that first negative pregnancy test. Back then we were so carefree. It was a game of sorts for us. We had no expectations, no goals, no hopes, no dreams. We were just living life and if that life gave us a baby...GREAT! Then I actually lived that life. We made goals together, we talked about our hopes and our dreams. We wrote them down, we 'pinned' them, we prayed for them. Yet...they didn't come. Every day I live this life with my husband and fall more and more in love with him every day. I know the man that he is, I know the father that he could be...and I know...I can't fulfill that for him. That's a unique type of guilt I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!
So, I guess to point blank answer the question....I'm not used to it, it isn't easier. I don't think it ever will be. I'm sure your asking because you think it's ridiculous that I still get upset 3 years later. So, I'll admit...I could probably deal with it a little better. But, I'm doing the best I can. Some months I have it in me...some months I don't. Lately the dont's have outweighed the do's, but I'm working on that. I promise!
For everyone who has stuck by my side...thank you for understanding. For everyone else...I pray you can find the understanding. I'm not a weak person, but infertility has found a way to break me at times. And when I'm broken...I just need a little time to put myself back together.
