So, I have not been able to sleep for about three nights now because I lay in bed thinking about everything that needs to get done for the wedding that I cant really do right now anyways. We are still 16 months out, so it's not like I can order everything that needs to be ordered.
Tonight, has been an exceptionally hard night. I think the reason I have really been having a hard time is because the one person who means the most to me isn't here. Its funny that my Grandpa always talked about how having boys was so much easier then raising girls, yet he was always there to listen. Of course he wouldn't care about the colors or the table lines I was choosing, but he sure would act like it. He would tell me that I just needed to call down and when I started bringing home tons of stuff he would act like it was a huge inconvience when really, he loved it. He loved every minute of his family being around him.
He got the chance to meet Nathan and that means so much to me. I honestly don;t know if I would be able to marry someone that didn't get a chance to meet my Grandpa. He told me that he saw something special in this guy, and he knew I would spend the rest of my life with him. I am so glad that I get to do that, but I am so sad that the man who means the most to be wont be there to see his little girl get married.
My Grandpa was truly my best friend. He was old fashioned and wasn't always up with the times, but he got it. He just understood life. He understood that only the things that matter to you are important. He didn't let what other people did or say affect him. He lived his life the way he wanted to, and that was that. He always raised us with high morals and values and with respect and dignity. He respected the choices that we made even if he didnt agree with them. I can recall countless times calling home ashamed, and afraid that he was going to be disappointed in me, but he never was. My Grandpa was the king at unconditional love.
I made that promise to my Grandpa that I would never let anyone else walk me down the aisle, because I knew he would be there with me, each step of the way, but man is it ever hard to imagine walking down that aisle without him.
Love you Gramps....oh how I love you.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
A little rant
So, I don't know how everybody else gets paid at their jobs, but at mine we get paid on the 15th and the last business day of the month. Which really sucks. It totally messes up checks and you never really know what your check is going to be. If it could just be a consistent 14 day pay period every time it would be great, but you have to factor in weekends and all that other garbage! I hate it! Today for instance my check was rather low because of the last pay period that we had! It doesnt really help the first check of the month being low because you have to pay rent and everything else that is due. IT SUCKS!
Oh well, what can you do besides bitch! NOTHING!
Oh well, what can you do besides bitch! NOTHING!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Scared
My Grandparents have been at the center of my universe my entire life. I do not have a memory in my life that does not include my Grandparents in some way. My sister and I were lucky enough to have people that loved us unconditionaly. I am not going to say that my parents did not love us the same way, but there is something special in the way my Grandparents loved us. We moved in with them when we were very young, and lived with them until I was 5 years old. We then moved right next door. Literally about 15 steps from my back door to theirs.
I can probably count on both hands the number of days I did not see my Grandparents growing up. My grandma fed us breakfast and got us ready for school. When I was in middle school she drove me to school because, well, I missed the bus quite frequently. My Grandpa worked until I was in 8th grade, but he was always up in the morning to see us off to school. "See ya later girl, go get learned" he would say every day. You see, my Grandpa is from Southern Iowa, which could pratically be Arkansas. He "learned" things to people instead of taught things, he was "fixin" to do things instead of "going to". He was just Grandpa. The man who said Rascall Fratts instead of Rascal Flatts, Tyler Swit instead of Taylor Swift, and Scat Cam instead of Cat Scan. I would hope I didnt learn my English skills from him, but I did learn an awful lot.
A lot of people ask me if it was hard when I lost my Dad, and as bad as it may sound, no, it wasn't. I had the only Dad I really ever knew right beside me the entire time. He told me my Dad died, he held me, and he told me life would be ok. He promised me he would take care of me, and he always did. My Dad was my Grandpa, and I was blessed enough to have two Moms. I had the Mom I lived with, the cool Mom who really had no rules, and then I had the mean Mom, my Grandma. This is the Mom who had rules, and rules better be followed or she wasn't messing around.
There are people who don't understand what I am talking about and I'm not asking them to. This is something that I have to keep. This is something that is in so deep in my heart, no matter what anyone says it cant be broken. I understand these two people are not my real parents, duh, their my grandparents. But these are the people that were there every bad dream I had, every skinned knee I ever got, every broken heart I was handed. These are the people who knew everything about my best friends. Knew my soccer and softball schedule, sat through hot swim meets. Cooked me chicken noodle soup when I was sick, and cleaned up my vomit when I was really sick. These two people mean more to me than anything in the world.
I lost my Grandpa already and am getting close to losing my Grandma. I have always been closer to my Grandpa my whole life. He was my best friend, my buddy. Well, I lost him first, and I have had my Grandma to lean on. Everyone says not to call her, she cant handle it, well...she calls me. We talk about him and laugh and remember all of the funny things that have happened. We keep the memories alive. Now that Im at the point where I could lose her too, I really dont know what I will do. Really dont know.
I am scared to death of living life without both of my Grandparents. My Grandpa was supposed to be there to walk me down the aisle, to give me away to my husband. My Grandma is supposed to be there to tell me how to make gravy for my husband, and for me to call scared to death when I change the first diaper of my babies. These are things we talked about, things we laughed about and imagined. These are things I am never going to get to do, and I am scared. I don't know how to live life without my Grandparents, because they always wanted to live life with us.
I can probably count on both hands the number of days I did not see my Grandparents growing up. My grandma fed us breakfast and got us ready for school. When I was in middle school she drove me to school because, well, I missed the bus quite frequently. My Grandpa worked until I was in 8th grade, but he was always up in the morning to see us off to school. "See ya later girl, go get learned" he would say every day. You see, my Grandpa is from Southern Iowa, which could pratically be Arkansas. He "learned" things to people instead of taught things, he was "fixin" to do things instead of "going to". He was just Grandpa. The man who said Rascall Fratts instead of Rascal Flatts, Tyler Swit instead of Taylor Swift, and Scat Cam instead of Cat Scan. I would hope I didnt learn my English skills from him, but I did learn an awful lot.
A lot of people ask me if it was hard when I lost my Dad, and as bad as it may sound, no, it wasn't. I had the only Dad I really ever knew right beside me the entire time. He told me my Dad died, he held me, and he told me life would be ok. He promised me he would take care of me, and he always did. My Dad was my Grandpa, and I was blessed enough to have two Moms. I had the Mom I lived with, the cool Mom who really had no rules, and then I had the mean Mom, my Grandma. This is the Mom who had rules, and rules better be followed or she wasn't messing around.
There are people who don't understand what I am talking about and I'm not asking them to. This is something that I have to keep. This is something that is in so deep in my heart, no matter what anyone says it cant be broken. I understand these two people are not my real parents, duh, their my grandparents. But these are the people that were there every bad dream I had, every skinned knee I ever got, every broken heart I was handed. These are the people who knew everything about my best friends. Knew my soccer and softball schedule, sat through hot swim meets. Cooked me chicken noodle soup when I was sick, and cleaned up my vomit when I was really sick. These two people mean more to me than anything in the world.
I lost my Grandpa already and am getting close to losing my Grandma. I have always been closer to my Grandpa my whole life. He was my best friend, my buddy. Well, I lost him first, and I have had my Grandma to lean on. Everyone says not to call her, she cant handle it, well...she calls me. We talk about him and laugh and remember all of the funny things that have happened. We keep the memories alive. Now that Im at the point where I could lose her too, I really dont know what I will do. Really dont know.
I am scared to death of living life without both of my Grandparents. My Grandpa was supposed to be there to walk me down the aisle, to give me away to my husband. My Grandma is supposed to be there to tell me how to make gravy for my husband, and for me to call scared to death when I change the first diaper of my babies. These are things we talked about, things we laughed about and imagined. These are things I am never going to get to do, and I am scared. I don't know how to live life without my Grandparents, because they always wanted to live life with us.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sorting out the dirty laundry
So last night Nathan posted a picture of me sorting laundry online and many of our friends commented all in good fun. One stated I was doing what I was supposed to do, I was doing Womans Work. Old fashioned..of course! Funny? A little. It made me start to wonder how things will be when we officially move in together and have a house, together. Right now we basically live together but I am just in his apartment. I have moved some of my stuff in and have taken over his closet. But I am still living in his apartment. I cant wait until we have a place...together.
Nate and I compromise on a lot of things. Right now we only have 1 TV and we pretty much always agree on what we watch. When we move to the new place, we will have multiple living rooms and Nathan will even have a Man Cave. Will we continue to stay in the same room together or will we separate.
For most people that have known me most of my life you know I am a bit on the messy side. I am not dirty by any means, but tend to throw my clothes on the floor, kick my shoes off and throw my coat wherever I want. My mom will tell you that she used to know exactly what I did every second I was home by the messes I would leave behind me. Right now, Nathan does most of the "picking up". He is a bit of a neat freak. But a one bedroom apartment is a lot different then a 3 bedroom 4-floor split level house. I imagine I will need to step it up a bit and stop being so messy. This is obviously something that I need to do anyways.
I am not really one for dishes either. I have sensitive skin. :) I do most of the cooking and Nate does the cleaning up. He will say he is starting to wonder how much time I actually spend in the kitchen compared to the time that he spends in the kitchen, once again cleaning up my messes. Whoops. He is probably correct on that and I dont take his threats of wearing a stop clock lightly, as I know that I will lose that one.
Realizing all of this makes me wonder how marketable I would have been 50 years ago. I am not very domesticated and don't really have an plans on becoming more. The funny thing is that I grew up in a single-parent family. A Mom. She cooked, cleaned, baked, grew a garden, planted flowers...she did all of the "womans work" that was supposed to be done around the house. But with supervision by her father or one of her brothers she also did a lot of the male roles as well, such as build a deck, lay a patio, drill holes in the wall, fix a toilet. Ok, so I grew up with a Mom that took on both roles...the male and the female. But I also grew up next to my Grandparents who were very much so "old-fashioned" that it actually used to make me sick to my stomach. My Grandma cooks, cleans and did all of the womans work. My Grandpa did all of the mans work. My Grandma never had her own money, never put gas in her own car, and could not tell you probably what a lawn mower was used for. (thats a big of an exaggeration but you get the point).
I used to always say that I never wanted to be like my Grandma. I wanted to make all of my own money, I wanted to know how to do everything and I was never going to do house work. I could pay someone to do that. The only thing I ever enjoyed doing with my Grandma was laundry. You see my Grandma is a bit of a laundry Nazi. She sorts all of the clothes by colors. And when I say colors, I really mean colors. Pinks with pinks, purples with purples and so on. She was a stay at home mom turned grandma that had all of the time in the world and I am sure my Grandpa never complained about the water bill to her because she doesn't understand money. She would wash a load of 4 shirts if she didn't have anything else that matched it. To me, this was insane. I used to laugh at her, but set there with her and sort clothes. I would wear something to school on Monday and by Tuesday night it would be back in my closet. She was a warrior that woman. She started laundry at 4:00am just to be able to do all the loads in the day. To me, this was resilient . I finally saw something in my Grandma that was real, and from this point on my idea of her changed forever. My Grandma can't do the laundry anymore becuase she cant get up and down the stairs. She yells at everyone that does the laundry because they dont do it right. They just dont understand how to do laundry. They take for granted all that we had when we were younger, how nice our clothes always looked, how they never lost their color, how they were never wrinkled and how they never shrunk. My Grandma knows all the tricks to make laundry perfect. If there is one thing I can give my future husband and future children, it will be perfect laundry.
So, my boyfriend might do all of the cleaning and he might do all of the picking up, but there is one thing that I can do for him and that is laundry. And I will always be pleased to do it. I dont care if people look at me weird for sorting my laundry the way I do. I will look at them and tell them, this is the only domesticated thing that I know how to do. Let me do it! :)
Nate and I compromise on a lot of things. Right now we only have 1 TV and we pretty much always agree on what we watch. When we move to the new place, we will have multiple living rooms and Nathan will even have a Man Cave. Will we continue to stay in the same room together or will we separate.
For most people that have known me most of my life you know I am a bit on the messy side. I am not dirty by any means, but tend to throw my clothes on the floor, kick my shoes off and throw my coat wherever I want. My mom will tell you that she used to know exactly what I did every second I was home by the messes I would leave behind me. Right now, Nathan does most of the "picking up". He is a bit of a neat freak. But a one bedroom apartment is a lot different then a 3 bedroom 4-floor split level house. I imagine I will need to step it up a bit and stop being so messy. This is obviously something that I need to do anyways.
I am not really one for dishes either. I have sensitive skin. :) I do most of the cooking and Nate does the cleaning up. He will say he is starting to wonder how much time I actually spend in the kitchen compared to the time that he spends in the kitchen, once again cleaning up my messes. Whoops. He is probably correct on that and I dont take his threats of wearing a stop clock lightly, as I know that I will lose that one.
Realizing all of this makes me wonder how marketable I would have been 50 years ago. I am not very domesticated and don't really have an plans on becoming more. The funny thing is that I grew up in a single-parent family. A Mom. She cooked, cleaned, baked, grew a garden, planted flowers...she did all of the "womans work" that was supposed to be done around the house. But with supervision by her father or one of her brothers she also did a lot of the male roles as well, such as build a deck, lay a patio, drill holes in the wall, fix a toilet. Ok, so I grew up with a Mom that took on both roles...the male and the female. But I also grew up next to my Grandparents who were very much so "old-fashioned" that it actually used to make me sick to my stomach. My Grandma cooks, cleans and did all of the womans work. My Grandpa did all of the mans work. My Grandma never had her own money, never put gas in her own car, and could not tell you probably what a lawn mower was used for. (thats a big of an exaggeration but you get the point).
I used to always say that I never wanted to be like my Grandma. I wanted to make all of my own money, I wanted to know how to do everything and I was never going to do house work. I could pay someone to do that. The only thing I ever enjoyed doing with my Grandma was laundry. You see my Grandma is a bit of a laundry Nazi. She sorts all of the clothes by colors. And when I say colors, I really mean colors. Pinks with pinks, purples with purples and so on. She was a stay at home mom turned grandma that had all of the time in the world and I am sure my Grandpa never complained about the water bill to her because she doesn't understand money. She would wash a load of 4 shirts if she didn't have anything else that matched it. To me, this was insane. I used to laugh at her, but set there with her and sort clothes. I would wear something to school on Monday and by Tuesday night it would be back in my closet. She was a warrior that woman. She started laundry at 4:00am just to be able to do all the loads in the day. To me, this was resilient . I finally saw something in my Grandma that was real, and from this point on my idea of her changed forever. My Grandma can't do the laundry anymore becuase she cant get up and down the stairs. She yells at everyone that does the laundry because they dont do it right. They just dont understand how to do laundry. They take for granted all that we had when we were younger, how nice our clothes always looked, how they never lost their color, how they were never wrinkled and how they never shrunk. My Grandma knows all the tricks to make laundry perfect. If there is one thing I can give my future husband and future children, it will be perfect laundry.
So, my boyfriend might do all of the cleaning and he might do all of the picking up, but there is one thing that I can do for him and that is laundry. And I will always be pleased to do it. I dont care if people look at me weird for sorting my laundry the way I do. I will look at them and tell them, this is the only domesticated thing that I know how to do. Let me do it! :)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Makes you really think,,,
So I have a co-worker who's 27 year old wife was just diagnosed with cancer. She has made the decision to have a full mastectomy. Ive been reading her blog and reading how she has been dealing with this, the thoughts that have been going through her mind. My heart is breaking for this woman and for this family and it really makes you think about things.
This woman has 3 children, 2 of which are her own. She was facing the fact that she might not ever be able to have children again. That, breaks my heart as well.
I am 24 years old. I have met the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with yet we havent had children yet. What would I do? What decision would I make? Take the chance of the cancer coming back in the future by leaving my ovaries in my body, or take my ovaries out. Wow. That puts a lot of things in perspective.
I guess I am thank-ful that it is not me in the situation, but my heart is breaking that someone else is in that situation. I hope that I am never been put in that situation, but understand that if I am, I have enough people around me that would support me through it and I am sure I would be forced to make the decisions that are best for my future, and the people in my life's future.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness
Today, I was looking back through my old facebook posts and it is so weird to think about my life prior to about 5 months ago. I guess I would have placed myself as a wanderer. I was just kind of making decisions based on the people in my life at that time, not really what I wanted. I guess I knew that I wanted to leave South Dakota and I could have gone anywhere, but I came to Cedar Falls because there is where all of my friends were. It was the obvious decision (and clearly from meeting Nathan, its the best decision I ever made). At that time I didnt know what I was going to do, I knew I would work at Hy-Vee because thats what I always did. I knew I was going to go to school, but didnt know what for or really even why. I just made decisions based on what I was supposed to do, or what everyone else was doing. I was on a pursuit of happiness and really not having much luck.
I decided in May of 2010 that I was going to take control of my life. I quit my job without having another job. Something I would never do, ever again by the way! I decided I was going to go back to school, into a field that I really didn't know much about, but seemed kind of cool. Another thing I don't do, make decisions lightly. I was in a relationship that seemed to be going ok. We were happyish. I knew it wasn't forever, and that was fine. Just kind of another stop on my pursuit of happiness.
I started CBE in May and met tons of people. I met people around my age and started having people to hang out with, talk with, share stories with. It was great. Once again breaks were great, going out was even better, and the talk between cubicles was priceless. I finally felt that I maybe wasnt on the pursuit of happiness anymore, but more so riding the happiness train. This is also around the time that I met Nathan.
Since I've been with Nathan I have defiantly been on the happiness train. I am riding it, and don't plan to ever get off. This has been the greatest adventure on my pursuit of happiness. The happiness that I have found, and love and enjoyed. I know people may judge us and say that we are just in the honeymoon stage of our relationship at this point, but this....this is our life. Happiness is our togetherness. I am so happy that I have found my pursuit of happiness and that I and living LIFE and enjoying my liberties with my best friend!
So, I'm hanging out and enjoying the ride, and I hope everyone else finds their happiness as well!!
Friday, February 18, 2011
Driving
You know, my whole driving life I have never been good at it. I have tried to say that I just speed bu that doesn't mean that I am a bad driver. Well, I am finally coming to the conclusion and finally admitting to myself that I am a terrible driver. I chalk it up to every thing else in my life that I'm not good at, I just don't have time! HAHA
But seriously, I constantly see accidents everywhere because people do not pay attention and that is just my case. I dont pay attention at all. I am usually messing around with my phone, or digging through my purse or staring at people. Its such a bad habit and even though I am so conscience of it, I don't do anything about it.
Well. from now on I am going to start making a conscience effort to pay more attention because I understand that a car is a dangerous piece of equipment and I need to be more responsible.
So for all my haters my whole life....I am finally admitting that I am a BAD driver!! Terrible to be exact!
But seriously, I constantly see accidents everywhere because people do not pay attention and that is just my case. I dont pay attention at all. I am usually messing around with my phone, or digging through my purse or staring at people. Its such a bad habit and even though I am so conscience of it, I don't do anything about it.
Well. from now on I am going to start making a conscience effort to pay more attention because I understand that a car is a dangerous piece of equipment and I need to be more responsible.
So for all my haters my whole life....I am finally admitting that I am a BAD driver!! Terrible to be exact!
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