The now... My Struggle With PCOS

12. Despite what my husband believes, paying for IVF is more important than buying a house

Lesson I'm trying to teach the hubs!

The decision has been made. I can't produce an egg. Every month, instead of my egg dropping like it's supposed to, it turns into a little cyst. (Sometimes not so little). Oral medicine hasn't helped. Injections hasn't helped. At this point what that means is, I can't get pregnant naturally. So, in-vitro fertilization it is. 

Now, this is a big conversation. Do you know what all IVF entails? And more likely than not we would end up with Twins and we could even end up with more than that! Ugh...scarrrry! (This is me being dramatic, but seriously. I could have multiples because of this!)

Here's the other thing. IVF is expensive. Like, expensive as shit! (Excuse my French). We're looking at $16,000 for one treatment. First, do you know how many pairs of shoes I could buy with that much money??? Second, do you know how many IVF treatments fail? Well, it's a lot. Good news is, the clinic in Austin will pay you back $12,000 if the treatment fails. So, not too bad right? We'd only he put $4,000. No big deal! (Said no one...ever!)

So here we are, at the crossroads between having a baby or buying a house. We need a house to bring a baby home to. We need a house to be able to sleep peacefully in (without a crying baby on the other side of the wall. At least a crying baby that isn't ours!) We need a house for a magnitude of reasons. I get it, I really do.  I have also compromised on the fact that we are still young. I am only 28 years old and Nathan is only 32!  Nathan is also still set in the fact that we will have a baby naturally (yup, keep on dreaming there pumpkin!)

Long story short, having a baby is again on hold! We will keep trying naturally (and I'll prove to Nathan that I am ALWAYS right and he is ALWAYS wrong)! We will buy a house, and then we will save for In-vitro! I am going to continue to be monitored by my Dr monthly, you know, just in case I do drop an egg. And we will go from there! 

At this point, we're both just along for the ride! We have realized that life is what you make of it. We can spend our time wanting so desperately to have a baby that we miss out on all that is in front of us, or we can come face to face with reality and live in the now. Experience what is in front of us, live life to the fullest and be thankful every day for what we do have! And what we do have is pretty kick ass! :) 

Lessons I've learned from infertility My Struggle with PCOS

I have learned a life full of lessons since discovering I suffer from infertility. Some are good, some are bad, some have been hard, and some make me giggle. Here is my life: 

1. Good things don't always happen to good people. 

2. No matter how bad you want something, sometimes it's not meant to be in the moment. 

3. I've learned to hate my period for completely different reasons then I ever hated it before. 

4. Sometimes even the biggest piece of chocolate can't help your heartache

5. Getting advice from your Mom on your sex life is always awkward. No matter how close you are. 

6. Other people deserve to be happy and have babies. Don't be a hater. 

7. Infertiity can ruin a marriage if you let it. Don't let it. 

8. Always wear clean underwear to the Gyno

9. If you're suffering infertiity your Dr won't care if you shave your legs or not. 

10. It's a lot easier buying pregnancy tests with a ring on your finger. 

11. Everyone has advice. Listen to it all, use what you want of it. 

12. Despite what my husband believes, paying for In vitro is more important than buying a house. 

13. Being bitchy is not cute. Put your big girl panties (clean ones) on and deal with it. 

14. No matter how many books you read, as soon as you finish the last page, you are back to reality. Don't shut out the people who mean the most to you to escape to a land of fiction. 

15. Life goes on. It really really does. 

16. Hold on tight to the hand of the man that is fighting this battle with you. I promise you, you'll try and let go hundreds of times, and he'll never let you! 

My husband, my soul mate, my friend My Struggle With Infertility

My husband. My soul mate. My best friend. My husband is one of the best men I've ever known! He loves me, he inspires me, and he stands beside me in all that I do. Most people in our lives know this already though! I am just sometimes reminded of how special of a guy he is. Today was one of those days. 

Let me tell you a little story! No promises it will be short! :)

About two months ago we were driving down the street and he looked over at me and said "I want to have a baby". My heart broke into a million pieces. You see, I've always wanted a baby at all costs. Nathan has been more consertative, both with the expense of it all and and with the emotional stress it was putting me through. Nathan has always maintained positice saying that it would happen when it was supposed to happen, and we would just try harder. You know, saying all the things that made me want to punch him in the face! :) But, it was his way to stay positive! 

My husband telling me that he wants to have a baby breaks my heart because he will be the most amazing father. He is funny, he is smart, he is well rounded. He is open minded and will love a child no matter what happens in their life. He is someone that many people lean on and depend on but often forget that he might need someone to lean on and depend on top. 

My husband wants a baby. Before, it was always just my hurt. I wanted the baby. Every month was a disappointment in myself. It was me that couldn't give me what I wanted. Now, it's me who can't give my husband, who would give me the world on a white-gold platter if I asked for it, a baby. Actually he would give it to me not even if I asked for it, but if I simply mentioned it was something I would like to have at some point. He loves me like that! :-)

Today, he was teaching a version of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to a classroom full of people. I went into the classroom at the end of the day and was reminded how lucky we are to simply have each other. To know to the core of our beings that we are each other's soul mates and best friends. It's special. My husband is a special man. Everyone that gets to meet him and have him as a part of their life is a better person because of it. I say it all the time, but am truly starting to belibe it. Even if we can never have children, we are blessed to have each other and the love that we share! 

The greatest part of all of it is when I tell him that I feel like I am disappointing him, he simply tells me that I could never disappoint him, kisses my forehead and moves on with his day. 

So to the man who I love more than I ever thought possible to love someone else, thank you for being the person you are. Everyone in your life is better for knowing you. 

New Hope My Struggle With PCOS

A little over two years ago I walked into my Dr's office getting what would be my last Depo Shot. I was on cloud 9. I was getting married in a couple of months. I had just had my bridal shower/bachelorette party. My husband had been home for the weekend. Everything in life was perfect (or at least my version of perfect). 

Fast forward to now. 24 months since I got my last Depo shot, 22 months since we have been trying to have a baby. 

We stopped all treatments about 2 months ago and I have pretty much stopped blogging because there hasn't been much to say. 

We relocated to Texas and are about to open a new site that will keep us pretty busy. I would like to say that having a baby has been the last thing on my mind, but that's simply not the case. It seems like every day I get on Facebook someone new is pregnant. Or stupid Jill Duggar who has only been married for 8 weeks, or Shakira, or whatever other stupid celebrity just accidently ends up pregnant! (Sorry, but they are stupid!) My favorite Facebook announcement this week was one where 4 siblings held up signs that said 'oops it happened again'. Oops, I accidentally unfriended you! :) Rude, I know. Childish, I know. But seriously! 

Anyways, the point of this post was to say that Austin has a world renowned fertility clinic that we are going to visit. I think there may be more to the story then just PCOS. I would rather know the whole story and figure out our options then continue down the path of trying the same thing month after month and just hoping it works! So I'm crossing my fingers that we can 1. Get in soon and 2. Get some better answers then we got in Waterloo! 

And please don't take offense if I delete you from Facebook after you make your pregnancy announcement! I'll re-add you in a couple days when I'm over my temper tantrum because I can't imagine not seeing baby bump pictures or the cute baby pics when they're born! 

P.S. Thanks to those who have accepted me back! 

P.P.S. If it's your 4th or more, I probably won't add you back!! :) (kidding,kidding!!) (not really though!) 

I've missed you guys! :) 

Picture Perfect My Struggle With PCOS

This picture describes my months to a tee. 

My 'lucky' My Struggle With PCOS

I am having a hard time letting the comment I received on Friday go. For someone to tell me that I am just not as lucky as them. What gives?? First off, how very hurtful is that??? And second off, I didn't think pregnancy had anything to do with luck. 

I am a non-confortational person. Big time. I have a HUGE bark and NO bite at all! None! So, I just simply walked away. Because I didn't know how to respond. 

If I was quick witted here is what I would say! 

I may not ever be lucky enough to have a child. I may never be lucky enough to carry my own child. I may never be lucky enough to have someone call me Mom. But guess what?? I am damn lucky! You wanna know why?? 

I have a husband who thinks the sun rises and sets on ME! He loves me, even at times that I am not being loveable. He adores me, he spoils me, he protects me, he respects me. He is my soul mate. That alone makes me the luckiest girl in the world. But that's not all! 

I have an amazing family that supports me no matter what. I was raised by an amazing, fearless women who has taught me to always chase after my goals and dreams no matter how big or small they are. She taught me to love others, through all their differences. I had an amazing set of Grandparents who were like second parents to me. They are the reason I am the person I am today. The reason I can write this blog about how damn lucky I am. Because they taught me that the richest people in the world are the people who have a family that loves them. So not only am I lucky, I am rich! I have a sister, who I am not close to, but know that no matter what happens in either of our lives we would drop everything to be there for each other. We may not get a long, but that type of love, that runs deep. I have cousins and Aunts and Uncles who all mean the world to me. My family is everything. But that's not all! 

I married into this amazing family where I got a sister I have always wanted and a brother I have always wanted. I got these 2 cool nephews who think I'm pretty cool too. There is nothing better in my opinion then being Aunt Amanda. Nothing! My husband has the coolest Uncle and Aunts ever. I have experienced so many amazing things with them. And I have a mother and father in law that love and adore their son so very much. They have instilled morals and values into him and made him the man that he is today. I love them so much for that. But that's not all! 

I have this amazing, small group of friends that have become my family. They each mean the world to me. Their families and their lives have become my family and my life. They make me question the saying that blood is thicker then water because they mean that much to me. But that is not all! 

I have this job at this company that I love. When I say I love it, that's an understatement. I met my husband there. I met my best friends there. This place is like another family to me. People there have changed my life. Truly 100% changed my life. Because of them I am not only a better employee, but a better person. That speaks volumes for the type of company they are. But that's not all! 

You see, I could go on and on with all the reasons why I am lucky. My lucky night not look like your lucky, but it doesn't change the fact that luck for me....it runs deep. I wake up every morning lucky to be alive, lucky to be married to an mazing husband, have amazing friends and family and get to go to a job each and every day that I truly love doing. Yeah...that's my lucky! 

I miss her My struggle with PCOS

My Grandmother (Nannie) was the type of person who saw the good in everyone. She was also the type of person who always had your back no matter what. Right, wrong, or indifferent, she stood beside you. The older I have gotten I have realized you should t have too many people like this in your life, as they can become enablers, but my Nannie...it was just the way she was. Blood ran thick to her. And she stood by you no matter what. 

I miss that about her. I love my husband and I love my Mom, but they are fixers. If I call them to complain, they want to fix the problems. Sometimes I just want to complain. I miss being able to pick up the phone, call my Grandma and just complain. Her commentary was the best ever. The older she got, the more she cussed. Mind you, this is the same women who made us say H-E-double hockey sticks and only allowed us to say we had to go 'pottey' or 'use the restroom'. Sometimes I would be talking about someone and she would say things like 'oh, that bitch' and I would laugh and laugh. Then she would start laughing and soon, I wouldn't even know what I was mad about anymore. 

When I was really sad, I would drive down to Newton and lay in bed with her. She would play with my hair or scratch my back and it was in those moments that I knew everything was going to be okay. She would always tell me that everything in life happens for a reason. We might not know the reason, but there is one. 

I would do anything to be able to pick up the phone and call her. I would tell her how it isn't fair. And how much it sucks, and how I hate all my pregnant friends (not really, but I would say it!), and how I just want to throw my phone across the room when I see another new born picture (I may or may not have done that a time or two). I would tell her how I wrote a blog about not wanting to adopt, but I want a baby so damn bad, maybe we will adopt. I will tell her how it pisses me off when Nathan tells me 'we'll try again next month' and she would agree how stupid that is. I would tell her how proud I am of him and how I wish I could act more like him. She would remind me that I'm drama to the core, and I will never be calm, cool and collected, and that's why she loves me. I would tell her how I want to punch my Mom in the face when she tells me 'it was just so easy for me to have babies, I'm sorry it's hard for you.' Not helping MOM! She would call my Mom and tell her how stupid it was. I would tell her how stupid I think it is that insurance doesn't cover infertility. She would offer to pay, and I would say no, and then we would fight about that for 10 minutes. I would tell her how annoyed I get when people ask me how I'm doing. She would smartly reply 'how the h-e-double hockey sticks do you think I'm doing you twit??. She would say that because she gets me. She knows what its like to plaster a smile on your face when all you want to do is crumble. And that is why I would cry. I would cry and cry and cry and she would let me. But then, then she would tell me to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. And that's what I keep on doing, because it's what my Nannie would want me to do. 

I never knew that missing someone could hurt so badly. I think because I never knew what it was like to miss a piece of your heart. Every month I prepare myself to love a child that never comes. Every month I lose another little piece of my heart. I like to believe that my Nannie is collecting all the little pieces of my heart and she is taping them all back together. When it's time, I'll have a baby, and all those little pieces will come back to me, sent straight from my Nannie. (Probably on valentines day with a note 'roses are red, violets are blue, you'll never know how much I love you'.) Because truly, I don't think we ever did know just how much she loved us.