Fake?? My Struggle with PCOS

I have recently had people who are reading my blog send me messages! It means so much to know that people (who are not in my real life) are reading my blog. That is what I wanted. I want to let my struggles and my successes help other people in this difficult journey. 

What I was not prepared for (and I don't know why) was for 'hate mail'. I have always lived my life as an open book and I make no apologies for that. My life (from a young age) has been a struggle. I have fought for everything that I have in my life and that is what makes me who I am today. 

I am very open about my areas of opportunities. Trust me, no one knows better than me what I need to work on in my life. So, to the blogger who called me 'fake', I am sorry! I am anything but fake. I am at times probably too honest. 

This is my journey. This is my life. So to answer some of your questions:

1. Yes, my husband is real. His name is Nathan. I too do not know how he could love 'someone like me', as you so kindly pointed out. We met on May 17th 2010 and fell madly in love. Life with me is no walk in the park, but he loves me. I thank God every day for him. 

2. No, I am not always happy. I am probably one of the least happy people there is. If you give me a situation, I will tell you everything that sucks about it. It's just how I naturally think. I could list out all of the reasons why this sucks, but why? Everyone knows why this sucks. Why not try and change the perception of this. 

3. Yes, I worry about money. I understand not everyone can have a 'treatment plan'. It is sad that we live in a world where having a child can costs some people thousands and thousands of dollars. Nathan and I are not being stupid about this. My insurance doesn't cover any of this either. We are lucky to have a cafeteria plan through work that reimburses us for some of the expenses. I also know that someday if I choose to have IVF, I will probably need to get a 2nd job. I am willing to do that. It's a choice I will have to make. I'm sorry if you don't have those options. Hopefully you find something that works for you. 

4. I don't agree with you that I am not mature enough to have children. Selfless enough? That's a different question all together. I don't know anyone who is ready to be a parent before they become one! You learn as you go, right? Clearly, as my husband states, I will have to learn to take care of myself AND someone else. But it will also be a learning experience, and I am ready for that! 

So, I guess if some people feel I am fake, I am sorry! Tomorrow I will do a 'so what Wednesday' and tell you all the negative thoughts I think every day. That is not the enrgery that I want to put out into the world though. I choose to stay positive, it's the only think getting me through this. And yes, I will continue to thank God every day for the husband I have. I will NOT go to sleep every night praying he doesn't 'wake up and realize he's better than me' as you think he will. 

I do thank you for reading my blog though, it means a lot! 

April Fools (on the 14th) My Struggle with PCOS

So, I was supposed to start my cycle on Thursday (it weirds me out to call it that. Let's call a spade a spade. It's my period. I was supposed to start my period). I was actually excited. We had taken a pregnancy test last Saturday at the hospital, and it was negative, so I didn't think there was a chance I could be pregnant. I knew once I started this month, we could up the dose of clomid to the 100mg and this would be the month, I just knew it! I have pinned all the beach pregnancy announcements that I could find. What better way to spend a vacation then announcing you are FINALLY pregnant? Yes, I had my perfect plan all figured out! Some day I guess I will learn to quit planning crap! 

Welp, Thursday came and went, no sign of my dear friend. Friday, Satuday and Sunday came and went. Not even a symptom at all. I started to think back to our "schedule" (I'll blog about that another day) and thought maybe we could be pregnant. (Even though I knew I didn't ovulate last month. Your mind can really run wild if you let it!)

So, tonight Nathan ran out and bought a pregnancy test and we had one at home too. (Always have to take 2, duh!). I was pretty excited to take it. I didn't want to get myself excited because I didn't want to feel the let down, but a part of me was still excited. (How can you not get excited) 

We set the timer (well, Nathan did! He really takes this 3 minute thing seriously!), sat and waited. One test would be a plus sign and the other would be two pink lines. I knew right away it was not pregnant, but Nathan insisted we wait the 3 minutes! And, just as I suspected,  Not Pregnant. Both tests. (Whomp, whomp). 

So now, I am 4 days late and no period in sight. Not even a single symptom. (I never thought I would complain about not having cramps). 

I texted my Dr (yeah, were that close) and she said if I don't get it by Thursday, I can come in on Friday and she will give me a shot of prostegrone to kick start it. 

Stay tuned...

Me... My Struggle with PCOS

Clomid down, clomid down! My Struggle with PCOS

Well, another exciting night in the Jones household. (When isn't there an exciting night? We need our own reality show. Let me tell you). 

To start out, I have an amazing husband. Like, the best. First, he loves me. (There is something to be said about that)! Second, he puts up with my shit! (There is defiently something to be said about THAT)! Third, he does all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. That's right ladies, I married a saint! (Hardly, but we'll go along with this for the sake that he hates when I blog about him!) 

So, Nathan. Mr. Clean Freak. Mr. OCD! That's who I have the pleasure of living with! (Talk to his friend Eric, he has some funny stories about Mr. OCD) 

Let me tell you a story. A few years back I had the day off work. I spent ALL day cleaning (really like 8 hours). I was so proud of myself. To me, the house sparkled! Nathan gets home from work, takes his shoes off and says 'I'm so exhausted, but I really need to deep clean the house. He then proceeds to clean the ENTIRE house commenting on how dirty it is. Needless to say, I've never cleaned again! 

Anyways, in Nathan's cleanness, ocdness, everything has it's 'place'. Sometimes that place just doesn't make sense. (Like sunglasses in the wine cabinet, or cleaning supplies with the measuring cups). But I figure since I don't do anything, I shouldn't complain. Until today! 

I had put the Clomid pills on the top of the fridge in this 'mail dish' that we have. It's where all of our bills go and it's out of Nathan's reach so I can oragnize it as I please. I knew they wouldn't get lost or put into a special place if they were in that bowl. Boy was I ever wrong! I was looking for them and couldn't find them. So, I did what any wife would do and asked (screamed) for my husband to find them for me. He proceed to say he had never even seen the pills before! (Cough bullshit cough). My husband is a terrible liar. Terrible I tell you! I can always tell when he is lying because he has a laugh in his voice! You would think he would try and work on that. He doesn't though and I catch him all the time! 

Well, as I'm looking upstairs I start to hear drawers opening and closing downstairs. Then all of a sudden he's yelling 'they were RIGHT here'! 'Right where?' I yell back!  Right here! In the mail dish. Oh really? Is that why I heard drawers opening and closing!?! Duh! You can't fool me Mr. Jones! 

Moral of the story:

Husbands, don't lie to your wives. They always know! 

Wives, clean your own house so you only have yourself to blame for stuff like this! :) 

P.S. The whole time we were searching I was yelling 'clomid down, clomid down'. It was real entertaining! Even Jack got into it! (For those that don't know, Jack is our 4 year old Beagle who we refer to has 'Precious'. He takes after his Dad!)

A little bump in the road. My Struggle With PCOS

Friday I just didn't feel good. You know, when you're whole body just seems off. A lot of my associates had called out and were going home sick so I thought I was just catching something. I felt really light headed and dizzy. By the time I got home, I had a splitting headache. I tried to lay down to make the headache go away. 

A little while later, my husband came home and gave me some ibuprofen and told me to go back to sleep. I had started to get a pain in my left shoulder blade. He had tried rubbing it out, but even a touch to it made it hurt more. 

Around 1 I woke up sick to my stomach. I threw up and my headache was back so I laid back down. I didn't think I fell back asleep, but I woke up around 2 with the most excursitating pain I've ever felt. Nathan was downstairs (either sleeping or watching Dexter. He's obsessed). He didn't hear for me when I called for him, so I fell (literally) out of bed and crawled to the steps. He finally heard me yelling for him and came upstairs. I guess he had been asleep! 

I got sick a couple more times and finally convinced Nathan I was not being dramatic, I literally thought I was dying. (This was hard to do at 2:30 in the morning). I wanted to go to Waterloo since that's where my Dr was. Nathan agreed, but wasn't happy since we only live a block from Satori. (Again, it was 2:30 in the morning). 

We got to the hospital and instead of dropping me off at the front door, he parked the Edge. By the time we walked into the hospital, I literally thought I was taking my last breath! We got all checked in and I barely sat down when they called us back. We walked forever (it felt like two miles) to get to a room. I could barely get in the bed I was in so much pain. 

They asked all the questions and got everything situated. They kept asking me if there was a chance I was pregnant and I kept saying no. They didn't seem to understand. Well, at this point I was in so much pain, I didn't care what I said. I simply told them that we had problems with infertility and since I hadnt ovulated this month, there was no chance I was pregnant. The dr looked like he felt bad, but I didn't care. 

He then told me that I looked pretty uncomfortable and asked me if I wanted something for the pain. They gave me a shot of morphine and something that made me not so sick to my stomach. I must have fallen asleep but I woke up in terrible pain again realizing that only 45 minutes had passed. I called for the nurse and they brought me another shot of something else. 

This went on for a few hours. I did a cat scan, blood work, and pretty much laid there in pain. I was supposed to work at 7:30, and has it got closer and closer to that time I was staring to panic. My phone was dead and Nathan's was at home. Nathan went home to grab his cell phone as they shot me up with some more morphine. I fell asleep for a while. 

The dr said that it looked as though I had some cysts that ruptured. He said it feels like you are being stabbed and can have pain in your shoulder blades as the fluid is being released. It all made sense. He thought maybe 4 ruptured, which would make me feel like I had been stabbed 4 times. 

He wanted me to stay home from work and I remember in my drugged up stages I told Nathan to tell my bosses I would be in by noon. He wrote me a script for pain meds and had the nurse give me another pill for my sick stomach. When she came back in the room, I pulled my pants down for her. She told me I just had to swallow this pill. Nathan says I told her 'I just like pulling my pants down for you I guess' Jeesh! Before I left they gave me another shot of morphine to hold me over until I could get the pain meds. By this time it was like 8:30. We had been at this for a little over 6 hours. 

Nathan brought me home and I barely remember getting to bed before I passed out. Needless to say, I didn't go to work at 12. My husband by this point was exhausted. (I was correct in that he had been watching Dexter, so he had been awake for like a whole day at this point). He did feel bad about his lack of empathy towards me. I guess that's what happens when you live life with a dramatic wife! You never know when something is really wrong or if they are just 'dying' because they got a paper cut. 

Anyways, this is really long, but to make it short. They think the clomid might have made the cysts rupture. I have to schedule a follow up appt with my dr to check everything out there. 

My husband handled my business for me  and even with his lack of empathy, I am very very thankful for him. 

Patience. What is that? My struggle with PCOS

So, yesterday I admitted my biggest flaw. Today, my second biggest. I have no patience. Like none, whatsoever. 

I cook everything on high, like who has time to wait for food to 'simmer'? I always cook everything in the microwave for 2 minutes but pull it out at 45 seconds and eat it cold because I can't wait any longer. I eat food right out of the oven and burn my mouth, rather than wait and let it cool. I refuse to watch TV shows that aren't recorded, I need to be able to fast forwar. I have more moving violations than I care to admit, clearly getting pulled over will get me from point a to point b faster than just going the speed limit!

If I can't open something, I usually throw it down/across the room (real mature), I only let phones ring 3 times before I hang up. I read the last chapter of every book before I start it, I can't wait until the end to find out what happens.  I run out of gas monthly (sometimes weekly) because I can not stand to sit and pump gas. Like really? What a waste of time! 

Yes my friends, that is called lack of patience (or crazy, that definition fits too) I know what you are all thinking (hell, I'm thinking the same thing). If this girl has no patience, how is she ever going to be a parent? Good question! I seem to have patience when it comes to small children. I just always have. Now, when they get a little older...let's just say Nathan will have to take over in that category! 

I'm sure you are also thinking to yourself, after reading yesterday's blog and today's, why did that Nathan guy ever marry this crazy lady?? I also ask myself that same question daily! Funny thing to point out, NO ONE has ever said to Nathan 'you really got lucky marrying that one!'. Really, no one! But, people tell me ALL the time how blessed/lucky I am to have married Nathan! Yeah, I get it. He defientely got the short end of the stick! The man loves me though! I don't ask questions! (That's a lie. I ask him every day why he loves me. It fills my bucket).

Anyways, along with losing control I have learned that you must have patience with this journey. Like sitting and watching an ovulation test for 3 minutes every day isn't hell on earth in itself, I also have to wait for the exact day of my cycle to start my medicine, 7 days after that get tested,  7 days after that get tested again. Like can't we speed this process up any?!? Daylights a wasting, girl! (My Gramps use to tell me that every day when I was wake up around noon).

But sadly, there is no way to speed up the process. That's why it's called a process. I just have to remember that I am sitting side by side through this roller coaster of life with my best friend. We will scream from the peaks, hold hands through the dips, laugh through the 'loop de loops', and enjoy every twist and turn, for this is our life, and we only get one! 

The loss of control. My Struggle with PCOS

I, my name is Amanda, and I am a control freak. Always have been, probably always will be. 

For as long as I can remember, I have liked to be in control. Before we would go on family vacations I would make an itinerary, I always set the table and got all the drinks for meals. To me it was like dictating where people sat and what they drank. I dropped out of high school for 3 days my junior year because they told me I couldn't miss as many days anymore. To me, it's all about having the upper hand. 

I bought my own car and paid for my cell phone so my Mom couldn't take it away from me. I had internet installed in our house and paid for it so she couldn't take it away from me. I became a Crew Trainer at McDonalds when I was 16 years old. I ran my own Sprint store by the time I was 23. 

It's not even that I like control, it's the fact that I need it. I need to know everything that is always going on so I can be prepared and know ahead of time what could go wrong. Sometimes I try to step back from the role, at work, in my marriage, but it never works out. I am a better person and a better employee when I have control of the situation I am in. 

Fighting infertility takes all of your control away. I always said I would get married, get pregnant and have 3 kids 18 months apart. Ha! Funny how that works. 

I find myself looking for opportunities to take control of the situation. For instance, she said I can take the clomid day 3-7 or day 5-9. I will make the choice and that will put me back in control. 

Lately I have felt like my whole life is unravelling because I have lost control of this one area of my life. It sounds crazy, I know. It's why I work/live best in a world with limited people. I wouldn't say that my friends/family roll over and let me take control, I think it's just a natural role I take on. 

My Mom keeps telling me to "Let go and Let God". Easy for her to say. She still calls me to ask me what she should wear certain places! ;) 

I am trying hard to realize that I have no control over this, it is going to happen when it's supposed to happen. 

It just happens to be the hardest battle this control freak is facing!