A Letter to Our Future Baby...My Struggle With PCOS

My Love, 

It is three in the morning and all I can think about is you. I anxiously await the day I get to share with your Daddy that we are expecting you. That our dreams have finally come true. I can't wait to see his face. He will say something awkward. It's just what he does. He isn't good with feelings, but I know that he will love you more than you could ever imagine being loved. I know this because he already does, and because it's how he loves me. There is truly no better feeling in life. 

At night, when the world has gone to sleep, I lie awake and think of you. (I think that's a Selena song, but I'm not quite for sure) I think about how you will come to us. Will it be through IVF? Will you share my DNA? Will our hearts be opened up to adoption? Or will some crazy miracle happen, and Daddy and I make you "the old fashioned way"? We want you to know that we will take you anyway we can get you. 

We've been waiting for you for so long. You see, Daddy and I knew that we wanted kids right away. There is something so very magical about meeting and falling in love with your soulmate. Every dream and every desire you never knew you had comes to life. It's not just about being a Mommy to me. It's about being a Mommy with a man as wonderful as your Daddy. You are truly something that we have wanted from the very first day we fell in love. Daddy told me he loved me by saying "I cant wait to raise Republican babies with you". This was on our second date. (Yup...second date!) Daddy was clearly dreaming, because we all know our babies will be Democrat. (Wanna know a secret? Your Daddy is really a closet Democrat. It just took meeting Mommy to bring that out of him. It's amazing what meeting the right person can do for you!) 

Although he can be a little crazy at times, Daddy has a very level head on his shoulders. Almost too level at times. It's something you will learn to love...someday. There are times he gets mad at how much money we keep spending to make you a reality, but, deep down I know that he would spend every dollar we ever make to bring you into the world. It just gets hard at times. We joke around a lot. We may never be able to send you to college, or buy you name brand clothes, but at least you will always know how much we love you. Afterall, we did spend a small fortune to create you. We even ordered a shirt off of Etsy for you. It says "My parents love me more than your parents love you. They spent $40,000 to create me". Oh...you don't find the humor in that? Yeah, we don't really either. 

Here is what I want you to know the most my sweet babe. No matter if you are created via IVF, share my DNA, or come to us by way of adoption, I love you. I love you more than I can stand it some days. I pray for you every moment of every day. I cannot wait for the day that we meet. The day that I get to hold you in my arms and breathe you in. The day that I get to look your Daddy in the eyes and know that all of this was worth it. That is the day I dream for. 

My sweet baby, if I get the chance to be your Mommy, I want you to know that I will always love you, I will protect you, I will be your parent first and your friend second. You will always be able to count on me. I will fight for you until I take my last dying breath. I will allow you to make mistakes so that you can learn from them. So that we can learn from them together. I will always have a shoulder for you to cry on, but will help you pull up your big girl/boy panties and kick life's butt when you need to do that too. I will not be easy on you, because life is not easy. I will expect you to have good manners, good grades, and to behave the way we raise you to behave. But I will never let you fall. I am your rock bottom. I will always be there to catch you and help carry you across whatever fire you are walking through. For you my sweet child are apart of me, and that means you will never walk this life alone. 

I can't wait for the day that we get to take your Kindergarten pictures, pick out your prom dress or tux, sit in the front row as you marry your soul mate and all the days in between. We will be there. I will cry, because it's what I do. Daddy will fidget, because that's what he does. But we will be there. We will be there because, you, my sweet baby, you are our hearts. Everything we do in life is to get one step closer to having you. Even if its just the possibility of having you. 

I want you to know that Daddy and I are not perfect. We will make mistakes. We will probably make you mad, sad, angry, or hurt. We will not always do what you want us to do. Sometimes by choice, but sometimes because we just didn't know any better. Your father and I, we are good people. We strive every day to be better people. But sometimes we forget to pay the light bill...orrrrr put gas in the car! (Not me!) I drive a little too fast. Okay, a lot too fast. I don't cook, clean or do laundry. Daddy does though. You will love him for it. But, don't expect your Dad to put together your new toys..just call on me. Your ol' Mom. I'll help you with that. I will also help you get into trouble. It's kind of what I do. Daddy will just always be there to bail you (and me) out. 

So to our sweet Remington Grace or Smith Curtis, please know that we love you. We pray for you every moment of every day. This world is full of people who can't wait to meet you, to spoil you, to love on you. But no one will ever love you as much as me and your Daddy. For we have fought every day to have you.  

I hope I get to meet you soon. But until then, you are always on my mind, and always in my heart.

Love,

Your Mommy

Quick Update My Struggle with Infertility

Hey y'all!! 

Long time no talk! Thought I would check in with everyone as I've been getting LOTS of questions lately about our journey. 

In December I had a surgery to remove pre-cancerous polyps and a portion of my uterine lining that had pre-cancerous cells. We knew at that point that it would be a year for my body to heal and start trying again. 

We have come to the conclusion that I will 'never' be able to get pregnant naturally! (A dear friend so lovingly called my eggs 'scrambled' when telling her child why Nathan and I can't have babies, and I absolutely LOVE that description! No hatching happening here!) We were also told pre-surgery that there is only a 30% chance I would ever carry a baby due to my uterine lining! We pray daily that the surgery has increased those odds. 

Any who, I go to the Dr monthly where they do a biopsy of the new uterine lining growing back to ensure there are only healthy cells and NO cancerous cells. I am very happy to update that we are all clear so far!! Woot-Woot! 

As far as what's next? Nathan and I don't know. I truly believe deep down in the depths of my soul that we are meant to be parents. We don't feel the calling to adoption. That may change, you never know. I keep going back to egg-donation but Nathan doesn't know. When he married me he wanted to have babies with ME, and it weird him out a little that the baby would have his DNA but not mine. Nathan truly believes that we will get pregnant. Maybe another round of IVF is the trick! (God Bless that man's optimism!) 

I continue to have these vivid, vivid dreams of receiving phone calls in the middle of the night and driving to these places and bringing home children. Sometimes they're babies, sometimes they're older kids. I don't know what God is trying to tell me. I am listening though, and waiting. 

Overall yhings haven't changed much! There are good days and there are bad days. There are days I think we can do this. We can just continue to be Aunt Amanda and Uncle Nathan and be damn good at it. We can love our friend's kids like they're our own and offer to babysit any random kid that we come in contact with. Then, there are the days I can't get up off the bathroom floor because all I want to do is be a Mom. To feel life inside of me. To give my husband everything he deserves in life and more. Those days make me question this journey and why it had to be US. (I hate those days) 

But, we are and continue to be so very thankful for all of your continued support. The love, prayers, and words of encouragement mean more than most of you will ever know. They are my light at the end of some very dark days. 

Well, that's all she wrote folks! I'll try and check in more often! ❤️

Conscious Coupling... My Struggle with PCOS

"Oh my gosh, Amanda posted another cheesy status about how much she loves Nathan. #annoying!!" How many of you have thought that EXACT same thing (sans the hashtag. I am probably the only person on earth who speaks/thinks in hashtags). Its okay to be honest, I know that it is probably quite a few of you. It can be nauseating at times.

Here is the deal. My husband and I are complete opposites. I think a lot of people say that about themselves and their spouses, but when I say it I truly mean it. The only thing that we have in common is that we love our dogs and we love alone time. That's it.

A little over 5 years ago, we met, we fell madly in love, we got engaged....and then life set in. We quickly realized how very different we were and if we wanted to stay as madly in love as we were at that present moment, it was going to take work. In that moment, I thought back to what my Grandpa told me once "the hardest job I've ever had was being a good husband". I NEVER understood why my Grandpa told me that. To me, to all of us, he was the greatest husband there was. He put up with my Grandma! :)  But in that moment, looking back, it all made sense to me. They were complete opposites, yet they found a way to make their marriage work for 50+ years. They did it by working hard every day at their marriage.

A few years ago, probably 4-5, Nathan had a long layover in an airport and picked up the book "What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married". He read the whole thing and made notes all throughout the book. I then read it and then we compared notes. This book taught us about the Five Languages of Love (people talk about this all the time, but they dont understand how great it truly is. If you are married or in a serious relationship and you havent read it, read it). It teaches you to love your spouse in the way that they want to be loved, not in the way that you want to love them. WHOA. Hold the press. You mean, me, Amanda Jones needs to do something someone else's way?? Nope, not going to happen. I'm just not wired that way. I am, in case you forgot, Amanda Jones. I do what I want, when I want, and how I want, If someone tells me to do something differently, I use all my energy to prove why my way was better. Its just who I am. Its an ugly trait. I would say I am working on it, but we all know that's a lie! :)

Anyways, we read the book. We talked it over. I thought it was garbage and we went on with our day. Then slowly I started to see things. My husband making my lunch for me in the morning, or picking out my clothes the night before so that I wasn't so rushed in the morning. Then there was a sweet Facebook post here, or a shout out on instagram there. My heart was full. My husband was loving me the way that I wanted to be loved. I thought maybe I should give this a try. So the next time my husband tried to hold my hand in public (puke), I let him. The smile that I got that day, the one that makes me weak in the knees, it was totally worth it. (Then he tried to pinch my butt and I socked him right in the arm. Baby steps people...baby steps). Next I tried not confessing my love to him on Facebook, but instead thanking him for being so great. I feel like I could physically see his heart do a little flutter. I was loving him the way he wanted to be loved.

To do this day in and day out, it's hard. We are wired one way, and we are being asked to go against that. But I am telling you, the key to my very dysfunctional, overly happy, filled with love, marriage is loving each other the way the other wants to be loved.

I've learned over the last few years that a marriage has ups and down. Big ups and big downs. I never knew this growing up, because my Grandparents were very private people. You know...your dirty laundry should hang in the basement, not outside for everyone to see (or on Facebook for the world to make judgments). There are things that we have gone through, that had me questioning everything, because I simply didn't know that marriage was anything but happy, love filled.  My husband lived away from me for the 8 months prior to our wedding, which almost did me in. We have battled infertility since the day we got married (if you wanna talk about some fights, try telling a woman on clomid you drank the last Mt Dew).  I have lost the two most important people in my life, and Nathan was forced to pick up the pieces (I honestly don't remember most of those days to tell you how ugly they really were). Nathan walked away from his dream job and the greatest team he has ever been apart of to help me fulfill a dream (Ever have someone place unnecessary blame on you? Yeah..not fun). We work together side by side (well, Nathan is a step higher than me, and he wont let you forget it!) in a pretty stressful, at times, job (lets not even get started on that!). We moved half way across the country together...by ourselves (Mr. Popular did just fine with that move!). But through it all, especially through the hard times (its why there is so much cheesy stuff on Facebook right now), we remember to love each other...the way they want to be loved.

I love my husband more than I could ever explain in words. I wake up each day knowing how very blessed I am to be married to someone who will work just as hard at our marriage as I will. We never go to sleep mad at each other (even if it means staying up all night...we've done it before and I am sure we will do it again), and there has never been a day we have let pass without telling each other just how much we love one another (even if we didn't necessarily like each other at the moment). So, I am sorry to tell you, but our annoying Facebook posts won't go away. Its our own personal recipe to our very successful marriage (by our own definition).

Endometrial Hyperplasia My Struggle with PCOS

I have written this blog three times and deleted it. I look at me and think what a blessed life I have and there are so many other people out there fighting such terrible things, that I don't want people to take their focus off of that to worry about me. But my outlet to all things this crazy life brings us is to write and to share. I pride myself on being an open book. Years ago, I invited all of you into my struggle, and the thoughts and prayers from many of you throughout the journey have helped me on my darkest days.

So here goes...

A couple weeks ago, I fainted in the shower and ended up in the emergency room. The blood tests concluded that I had a marker for possible clots, but I did not have any current clots. They imagined this was from the extra estrogen in my body from the fertility treatments that my body has been enduring for the last 3 years.

I had a follow up appointment with my fertility Dr, where she ran some more labs as well as a couple of exams. I got the results of the blood tests back and she was seeing some weird things, so she ordered a few more labs and a couple more exams.

During one exam, it was discovered that I have polyps in the lining of my uterus. She grabbed some of the lining (which hurts worse than anything...by the way) and sent it off for biopsy. She also scheduled a couple of more tests that she wanted me to do.

Yesterday, I went back in to get the results of my test, and found out that I have been diagnosed with Endometrial Hyperplasia with atypia. This is when the lining of the uterus becomes too thick and polyps can form. There are different categories, and I currently have Complex Hyperplasia with Atypia and the polyps in the lining are pre-cancerous. The cells are changing from non-cancerous to cancerous.

On Monday I will have a Hysteroscopy to remove the polyps and also the lining of my uterus. This will also allow my Dr a better look at the cell make up inside of my uterus and determine if the polyps have moved into my cervix at all. Two weeks after that, I will have a follow up appointment where we will discuss treatment to ensure that the healthy cells and lining that grow back are non-cancerous. I will have monthly appointments to do ultrasounds to check the growth. It is rare for uterine polyps to reoccur once removed, but if they do come back, it is more likely that they will come back cancerous, so we will watch them carefully. The Dr says that my age is on our side in this, because I am a healthy person, and non-menopausal (haha), so my cells should grow back healthy.

My surgery is Monday at 1pm, so I will keep everyone updated! This is obviously serious, but we are just looking at this as one more bump in the road for us to overcome! I have faith and I have hope and there is not a lot that can't be beat without those two things. I also have an amazing husband who stands beside me and a great group of friends who have my back unconditionally. I will repeat it again, I have a blessed life and know that I will continue to have one.

Thanks in advance for all of your thoughts and prayers, I am always thankful for all of them!

The Struggle is real...(Have I used that before??) My Struggle with PCOS

Hey y'all (yes, I'm embracing Texas)

I wanted to write this blog as sort of an apology. An apology to all of my friends, family, coworkers, people I meet in the streets, really anyone who wants to accept my apology!

Life has been rough lately. Well, probably no more rough then it usually is, I just haven't been dealing with it well. I am going to warn you now, I am going to get very real in this blog. I have gotten a lot more private lately, because I feel like I am judged for whatever I say, but I live life the best, when I live out in the open, so this is going to be raw, and its going to be real, and I am sure my husband is going to want to murder me when it's over! (He talks a big game, he could never live a day without me!)

Here goes.

I suck at life lately. Everything makes me sad, everything makes me mad, and everything little think makes me feel like a failure. I didn't park straight the other day, better have a 20 minute pity party about it. A couple of weekends ago, I literally laid in my bed with the covers over my head all weekend. Then I cried all day Monday because I felt like such a terrible wife. I feel like I'm in this downward spiral, and its a long way to hit rock bottom. Why would I feel that way?? I know, its the million dollar question. I have an amazing job, husband, new house, family, friends, yada, yada, yada. I dont know why I feel this way. I just do. And I cant shake it

I miss my Mom. I haven't seen her in almost a year and a half. I just want a big hug from her and to have her be annoying and not tell me that everything is going to be okay, because that isnt what my Mom does. She'll tell me to buck up and deal with it. I need to smell her Charlie perfume, and get annoyed because she has to smoke before she gets in the car, and then get even more annoyed because she always puts on chap stick after she smokes. I need to ask her why she is STILL wearing the same sweatshirts that she has worn all of my life when she has lost like 150 lbs and could wear clothes that actually show off her figure. I just need my Mom. Every girl does.

I'm a terrible wife. (It would be sweet of me to say that this is the part I feel like my husband will kill me over...just wait...its not even close) Like, if you looked up terrible wife in the dictionary, you would see me. I've been in such a funk. I get home from work and go to my bedroom and read a book, or go to sleep, or scour the internet. "Hey Amanda, wanna go out to eat?" "NO!" "Hey Amanda, wanna watch TV with me?" "NO". I'm such a b*tch. BUT, this is the sweet part. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. Like loves me more than I deserve. "Hey babe, here is a cold Mt Dew", "Hey Babe, I made you dinner", "Hey babe, I love you". Like really?!?! SWOON! He gets it. He sees it every day, he feels it too. He just happens to be strong enough for the both of us right now.

I miss my friends. Let me preface this by saying, I dont hate Texas. I dont hate the people in Texas, I dont hate the state of Texas. I am having fun. I obviously just built a house here, so I dont have any plans of leaving anytime soon. I just miss my friends. I miss Iowa. I miss laying on a couch watching TV with my best friend, not saying two words to each other, but getting everything we both needed out of the time together. I miss Tuesday night Date Night (Nathan worked Tuesday nights, so Erin and I always went to dinner). I miss hanging out with Allen and Hailey and laughing until our sides hurt. I miss downtown Cedar Falls. I just miss it. Moving away from home is hard. Nathan and I plan on going on vacation to Cedar Falls next year. No work, no obligations. Just hanging out with our friends. It. Will. Be. The. Greatest!

THIS IS GETTING LONG!! I'm sorry! It feels good to put it all out on paper though.  Moving right along...

Here is the kicker...3,2,1...

INFERTILITY SUCKS!! Like duh, everyone knows that. But let me just tell you. Infertility sucks. I feel like each step we have taken, we have overcome. Dont ovulate, okay, lets fix that. Ovulate, but the egg doens't fertilize, okay, let's fix that. Oh, wait, your eggs dont mature, well....we can fix that too. Great. Let's do this. Now it comes to where you get to pick out the eggs. WOW. Well, can you give us some time?? Thats a big decision. Yeah, sure, take all the time you need. Okay. Let's look over every single profile, every single egg, every single attribute, every character. Then, you pick out the PERFECT egg for you. The one that you think will really make your baby look like you, even though it wont have your DNA. You make your appointment, you're so excited. And then...duh..duh...dun...someone else bought them..... . . .Yep. That happened.

That is when I lost it. Like, (I say that a lot, its the dramaticness (thats not a word, roll with me here) in me!), what did I ever do to deserve this sick sick world to be against me at every turn? I try and be a good person, I try and give back where we can. I try and care about others the way I would want them to care about me. I may not be doing great at that right now, but I mean...Ive been alive for 29 years, I think I've done good for the majority of that time. Cant I catch a break? Like when do things go my way?

If your still with me, I am sure some of you are feeling a pretty heavy heart right now. Please don't. I will prevail. I will pull out of it. How? Why? Well, my best friend is getting married. Queue the fireworks. Like seriously. It just reminded me that life keeps going, right? Every single person you meet in life is fighting a battle of some sorts. Some may be fighting, or some may be winning. Who am I to sit in this self pity and want to scream from the mountain tops "poor me"?  I have an amazing husband who deserves the love that I know I can give him. I have a job that deserves the Amanda Jones that I know that I can be, now the half assed one that has been showing up lately. I have an amazing family and fantastic friends that deserve back everything that they have given me. And I deserve the best version of myself that I can be.

Obviously this change cant happen overnight. But, I put my big girl panties on tonight, and am going to start pulling myself up from my boot straps (again...I know....again). I am sure in this journey I will fall again, but I also think that I deserve to be able to do that. Ive been dealt a full basket of lemons and I can only make lemonade for so long.

Thanks to all who have read to this point. I love you all. I thank you all, and I promise to be better. <3

I want it all... My Struggles With PCOS

We spent this last week in Iowa celebrating my sister in laws wedding. It was a beautiful week, laced with so much love and happiness. We got to spend time with family we rarely see, meet new people and make new friends! Being in Iowa is exactly what my heart needs at times.

One of the greatest blessings in life is being Uncle Nathan and Aunt Amanda. We love our nieces and nephews to pieces. We love to spoil them, love on them, and cuddle the youngest ones! I would cuddle the older ones too, but that might be awkward! :) 

We got to feed our baby niece Bella! That was fun watching Nathan try and understand how she could eat warm applesauce like it was a meat lovers pizza! We both got to rock our baby nephew Langston to sleep at different times. We played football with Braydon and relaxed with Chance. It was all magical to us. I know that sounds odd, but being so far away from our family, we truly cherish the moments we do get. 

Unfortunately, the longing to have that all for yourself rears its ugly head. I want to feed my own baby applesauce, I want to rock my own toddler to sleep. I want to play football in my own backyard with my rambunctious 6 year old and I want a 13 year old who is seriously the coolest cat there is. I want it all. 

Last night I posted a quote my husband said. It came from a discussion at dinner. We were talking about all the places we've traveled and how we can't wait to take our kids there. Have them experience the sketchy hotel in Atlanta we stayed at, and re-walk from the White House to where Lincoln was shot. To ride around DC all day just people watching. Take them to the first restaurant we went to in New Braunfels. We were laughing so hard remembering things we had tears running down our faces. Then it hit Nathan. I saw it hit him right in the heart. 

We may never have kids. We may never get to show them all those places, or relive all the memories. He looked at me, grabbed my hand and reassured me, he's loved the life we've lived. I squeezed his hand and excused myself from the restaurant. I thought all night about wanting it all. 

Then today, I saw this picture on my Facebook today and was reminded that we may never have our own children, but we have nieces and nephews whom I know think the two of us are pretty cool. So we get to continue to be these magicial people in their lives. I don't need to want it all, when I already have it all. <3

Got Eggs? My Struggle with PCOS

I wanted to write this quick blog for a couple of reasons. 1. I am putting off writing an emotional one and 2. I need to speak to all of you from my heart. 

Okay, so a couple of weeks ago I wrote what I thought was a pretty funny post about shopping for eggs online. Sometimes I just have to make light of this situation, otherwise the emotions would just overwhelm me.

It's true. Nathan and I need a donor egg to attempt to have a child. The worst part is that even with that donor egg, there is only a 30% chance I would have a viable pregnancy. 

I will tell you, since I put that post out I have been flooded with messages and text with friends, family and acquaintances offering me the use of their eggs. Wow! What amazing people we have in our life. From the bottom of my heart, I say thank you! Thank you! 

Nathan and I have talked and talked...and talked and talked some more. And then I've kept talking some more. What is best for us? What do we want to do? Where does this end for us? What are our dreams and desires. 

I want to be pregnant. I want to carry a child. I want to give birth. I want to breastfeed. I want it all. I want my baby to be my baby. 

Therefore, Nathan and I made the decision that we would not want to use eggs of someone we know. I don't know how it would feel, I don't know for sure what we would think. It's just a decision that we made. 

There is so much emotion and thoughts and feelings that go into all of this. Not every journey is the same. I firmly believe everyone needs to follow their hearts and make the journey, their journey! 

So, I can't say thank you enough for the gestures. It truly melts me to my soul. I just hope you can all understand why that option isn't part of our journey! ❤️

It never gets easier... My Struggle With PCOS

Hello, all! It's been a while! I wish I had good news...but there is really no news on the Jones Babymaking Homefront. When I say no news, I mean...no baby! 

I was asked a question recently and I thought I would just address it. 

The question asked was: "Doesn't it get easier by now? I mean, aren't you used to it?"

I would first like to say, this question goes in the category of 'completely out of line'. Obviously! But...a part of me...a part of me can understand the question. Trust me when I say, I hate this and the emotional roller coaster it puts me on just as much as the rest of you...probably more! I have this unique view of it...the view of watching it all unfold from the inside...feeling helpless to change it. 

To answer the question...all I can say is that I've learned that infertility is its own aunique form of grief. It's a type of grief that never really goes away and keeps appearing time after time. 

Grief is not new to me. I lost my father when I was 9 years old and lost my Grandparents, who were like parents to me, a few years back. All of these loses shook me to the core. There is something they all have in common...slowly with time...I've moved on. Life has gotten a little easier and the grief lessens with them. There are triggers to this grief, but generally I know what those are and try and avoid them! 

Infertility is a completely different type of grief.  Previously, I would experience this grief every single month. So no, it didn't get easier because it was a new loss every single month. It was the loss of a dream, a goal, a hope. It was something that I worked hard for...only to be ripped from me. It was something that I invested my entire being into...only to come out empty handed. It was like losing my Nannie and my Grandpa all over again every single month of the year. The pain, the heartache, the emptiness...it's something I truly don't think you can ever understand unless you've been through it yourself. 

Once we learned that we, the two of us together, could not naturally have a child...it became a NEW different type of grief. I know, every single day, what it will take for my husband and I to have a baby. I know we don't have the money to afford this and I know it will take some BIG decisions to make it happen. It's a type of grief disguised as guilt that I feel every second of every day. I don't know what triggers it, or when the grief (guilt) will come, it just comes. I sat in my car in the Target parking lot crying hysterically for 30 minutes when I spent $80 on toiletries thinking that money could have gone to having a baby. And let me tell you...I've never cried after spending money at Target before. Usually I rejoice.  I left work one day to go home and cry on my bathroom floor when I saw a new associate put up pictures of her husband and new baby in her cubicle. Old Amanda, she didn't leave work...she was tougher than that. Of course I then cried harder thinking I was letting so many people down by leaving work to lay on my bathroom floor and cry. Then I was embarrassed for laying on my bathroom floor crying, instead of being at work that I cried even harder. Then I was so mad at myself for being embarrassed that I cried even harder. I'm sure you see where this is going! Infertility...the grief that keeps on giving. 

It's funny that they asked if I am used to it. I don't know if you can ever get  used to the gut wrenching pain that swipes through your body and knocks you on your ass. Funny though, I do know exactly how it's going to feel, I know what it's going to do to me, but I can't control it. So no, it doesn't get any easier. It pretty much gets worse.

Almost three years into this and I would say that I feel more guilt and more grief today then I did taking that first negative pregnancy test. Back then we were so carefree. It was a game of sorts for us. We had no expectations, no goals, no hopes, no dreams. We were just living life and if that life gave us a baby...GREAT! Then I actually lived that life. We made goals together, we talked about our hopes and our dreams. We wrote them down, we 'pinned' them, we prayed for them. Yet...they didn't come. Every day I live this life with my husband and fall more and more in love with him every day. I know the man that he is, I know the father that he could be...and I know...I can't fulfill that for him. That's a unique type of guilt I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy! 

So, I guess to point blank answer the question....I'm not used to it, it isn't easier. I don't think it ever will be. I'm sure your asking because you think it's ridiculous that I still get upset 3 years later. So, I'll admit...I could probably deal with it a little better. But, I'm doing the best I can. Some months I have it in me...some months I don't. Lately the dont's have outweighed the do's, but I'm working on that. I promise! 

For everyone who has stuck by my side...thank you for understanding. For everyone else...I pray you can find the understanding. I'm not a weak person, but infertility has found a way to break me at times. And when I'm broken...I just need a little time to put myself back together.  

Dear 'Childless on Mother's Day' My Struggle with PCOS

An open letter to all the women childless on Mothers Day. 

Dear Friend, 

Today sucks. I know it does. It is so easy to sit in our little pity bubble and feel so sorry for ourselves. We open up Facebook and everyone is raving about loving their Mom's so much, how lucky they are to be a Mom, and husbands who never post, are making their yearly post. 

We go to the store and we can barely breathe. Have we never realized before how many balloons there are, or flower arrangements? Do people actually buy these cookie cakes for their mom's or is it all there to taunt us? 

We go out to eat and we know everyone is looking at us. 'Why doesn't she have her kids on Mother's Day?' 'Is she pregnant?' We have now convinced ourselves that everyone and everything on Mother's Day is there to taunt us. To remind us, we are not Mothers. 

I am here to tell you, it's all in your head. We have to get out of our heads to make it through this day. There are Mothers out there that need us. There are Mothers out there that love us.

For the past 2 years, I haven't done anything for Mother's Day. I didn't buy cards, I didn't order flowers, I didn't even acknowledge it. My husband ordered the flowers, my husband bought the cards, my husband handled business on Mother's Day, so I didn't have to. 

I have an amazing Mom, my sister is a fantastic mother. My sister in law is second to none, and my mother in law is right up there as well! Nathan has amazing grandma's, we both have fantastic Aunts. But I don't care. I am the one who is childless on Mother's Day. I am the one in pain, I am the one grieving. 

I am sure that many of you feel this same way. You spend Mother's Day sitting in your pity ball, waving a flag to God saying WHY NOT ME? WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?? I've been there. I am there. 

But this Mother's Day, let's be different. Lets not stay buried in my pity ball. (My pity ball is laying in bed with the covers pulled over my head, reading books). Lets  help celebrate so many wonderful women in our lives. Lets spread love, not hate. Lets not let our infertility define us. 

We will be childless on Mother's Day, but we will survive. 

Happy Mother's Day

Today was THAT day! My Struggle With PCOS

Well...today was THAT day! In so many different ways, today was THAT day! Today was the day I hit my bottom....again! I can't really tell you how many times I have hit "bottom", because every time "bottom" looks a lot different. It feels different, it acts different, and it is portrayed different. Today...today was THAT day.

For the past couple of weeks I have been taking all the medications to start the IVF Cycle. We are (were) you what you call the Stimulation Phase. This is the phase where the Dr's are regularly monitoring my follicles to ensure that they are maturing and that there are a good number of them to harvest eventually. Today was the day that I was supposed to go in and get my trigger shot. This trigger shot is given to jump start ovulation. This is when they would then go in and retrieve the eggs.

Throughout this phase, I have known that my FSH  levels in my blood have been low. My follicles are not maturing, so there would be no egg that would produce. I, of course, have held out hope. Hope is what this entire journey has been for me. At 8:17am, as I was in line at McDonalds getting a biscuit to eat with my newly bought homemade Raspberry jelly, I got the call. I got the call that the Fertility Specialist wanted to go ahead and cancel this cycle. I dropped the Large Orange Juice that the lady handed me, and sat there in shock. I don't know why I was in shock. I knew the news was coming. I mean, I have always known that I don't ovulate, because I don't produce an egg. But, I sat there in shock. The nice lady poured me another Large OJ and told me to have a blessed day.

I rushed back into work, gave my husband his breakfast, and sat down at my desk. I had a pretty important call that I needed to be on at 8:30, it was currently 8:28, but all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in a ball, and cry. I wanted to cry all the tears I had in my body to cry. I wanted to throw things, I wanted to punch someone, but mostly, I wanted to hold onto my husband and cry. At 8:29, I wiped my tears, and jumped on the call. I remember one of my boss' telling me that I was being quiet, but that is all I really remember.

I knew throughout the day that I was at my bottom. Supervisors were asking me if everything was okay, agents were asking me why I looked so sad. I had a tooth ache, so that was my excuse. I don't know why I told them that. I don't know why I just didn't tell the truth. I look like this and I am acting like this because I failed. My body failed me.

I remembered around 1:40 that I was supposed to have $1,000 to give to associates by 2:15. My husband saved me. I remembered around 2:30, the last time I ate was a biscuit at 8:30, my husband got me Chick-Fil-A. I remember around 3:30 throwing that back up. It was around that time that I realized that I had a voicemail on my phone. I made myself believe for a quick 30 seconds that it was the Dr's office calling me back. It wasn't them. It was also around then that I remembered I had a meeting with my boss.

You know those moments in life when you know you're at your bottom, but you don't know what to do or how to start climbing back out. That is me. I learned today that maybe I am not holding myself together as much as I think that I am. I also learned today that I tend to go inward when I am in pain or feel myself failing. I see myself failing a lot lately, so it makes sense that I would be turning inwardly more and more.

For me...today was THAT day. But tomorrow, tomorrow will be THAT tomorrow and I get a chance to wake up and start fresh. A new dawn will be on me and I get to make the choice if I am still at my bottom, or if I start climbing back up. It's really no fun at my bottom. I am grouchy, I am annoyed, I am angry, I can be hurtful. I want to climb back up. So tomorrow...tomorrow will be THAT day. Tomorrow will be the day that I leave my bottom.

You Are Not Alone My Struggle With PCOS

When I first started writing this blog, I let many people know that it was me that was writing it. My husband is a very very private man, and he was very uneasy with me letting the world know what was happening in our marriage. He also knew that by choosing me as his wife, people were always going to know what was happening in our marriage. I am an open book...sometimes even to a fault. 

I was asked to write a guest blog for National Infertility Week. They wanted it written about the motto for this year 'you are not alone'. They wanted it written by women who sometimes felt alone in their journey even though their husband stood right next to them. 

I was all down with writing the blog, but I also wanted my husband to have a chance to share his side of it. I will admit there are times that I have felt alone. I have an amazing husband whom I love for so many different reasons. I also know that he doesn't show a lot of emotion and he doesn't make things a big deal. When Drama is your middle name, you can sometimes get frustrated. 

So, here is my husbands story. The man who gives me light, who gives me hope and most of all, the man who has loved me through times I truly believe others would have walked away. He is my rock, my anchor and my shoulder to cry on.

"The struggle to start a family is real.  Having spent most of my life avoiding starting a family makes this statement a bit ironic to actually write down.  Even so, the struggle is real.  The struggle has been depressing, humorous, exhausting and maybe even a little fun.

I will get to how going through this could be fun in a second. I need to first mention (if it isn't obvious already) that I don't want to talk about this.  I think everyone who knows me understands that I am an extremely private person when it comes to matters like these. I am a man who gets uncomfortable at the grocery store when others look in my cart (what I eat is my business). I am writing this for my wife, hoping it can bring some peace and maybe a little hope that I truly am walking along side of her through this issue.

When I said before the struggle can be fun - it can.  Trying to start a family is the most important choice you can make in your life.  The decision to start a family was unlike one either of us had EVER made.  It was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time for the same reason.  Being responsible for another human being, for the rest of your life.  When I think about the relationship I have with my parents, it is an amazing thought that I can develop that relationship with my child.  When I think about the possibility of my kid growing up and starring in Teen Mom, the thought is a tad bit less amazing.

We were on cloud 9 when we decided to bring a life to this word.  It wasn't until we had trouble and Amanda made the decision to go on Clomid that my fortunes changed.  Now I must say that I have no idea what Vietnam was actually like - but I'm damn sure I can relate.  Upon prescribing that medicine it should be required the husband enter pre medication counseling for his own safety.  I am not going to pretend that I haven’t experience pure rage from the opposite sex in my relationships in the past, but experiencing Clomid was a much different experience.  I will keep most of the details private, all I will say is that Amanda wasn’t herself and the thought of having a child seemed too much work to be worth it. That is when I felt Amanda lost all hope, and thought I stopped walked beside her. 

Soon after we stopped the medicine the choice we made of starting a family, that was once promising, became depressing.  When Amanda came off the medication she pretty much lost all hope of having a child naturally.  Seeing her go through that has been hard.  I would compare the emotion to being a fan of the Chicago Cubs.  You just feel helpless.  Trying to help her through this realization was like me attempting to put together an entertainment center – it justwasn’t going to happen, and my jokes didn't help either. 

Given a bit of time, both of our attitudes have improved.  We are looking toward our next steps.  Adopting has never been an option for me, so we have turned our sights to IVF.  People can think less of me if they wish, but raising another person’s child is just not my style. Speaking of IVF, I would actually like to add an E to the end of the IVF acronym.  IVFE - I'm Very Fucking Expensive.  

I know that Amanda and I will  wind up doing IVF.  I was meant to be a father, Amanda was meant to be a mother.  It is just unfortunate that our fantastic trips to the mall are going to have to take a backseat to paying a doctor.  And, my shoe collection probably won't grow for a while. However, when I think about how amazing it would be to raise a family of my own – I can’t place a price on it. Even digi-camo Air Force ones don't hold a candle to the thought of holding my own child in my arms. 

Throughout this whole event I have learned a few things.  Even if we don't have kids I am so lucky to be married to the woman that I am married too.  We are lucky to have the supportive family that we have.  I am also very lucky that even through the struggle – we have never lost our sense of humor. (Well, I have never lost my sense of humor)

Will we have kids?  I honest don't know.  What I do know...I have to best wife and family in the world - and that's all that really matters."

Nathan--I admire you and  I appreciate you. Thank you for loving me through days I ask you not to. Thanks for sticking beside me even when I tell you to find someone who can give you the children you want. Thank you for the jokes, the laughter, the fun. On a scale of 1-10, I love you 987,654,321! 

An Update-Our Odds My Struggle With PCOS

I haven't written in a long while. Truthfully, I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't want to be that annoying girl that just always complains about not being pregnant. I don't want to be pitied, or to have people feel bad for me. I have an amazing job, and amazing husband, wonderful friends and a fantastic family. My life..it's pretty great. But there is news. 

Here is an update on our infertility journey:

We will never (I don't trust that word) be able to get pregnant naturally. It's just not in the cards for us. I don't produce an egg, nor do I ovulate. 

We will probably never (I hate that word) have a viable pregnancy. My uterus walls are already very thick and hard. They are continuing to harden monthly. The likelyhood of the egg latching to the wall  is slim to none. Actually, there is a 70% chance it will never happen. The Dr told me the time to get pregnant for me would have been 21-24 years old. Every year after that has decreased my chances significantly. 

My cycle is not regular (duh, I've known that forever). We made the leap to go and see an IVF doctor. This is like big time right. $16,000 for a 30% chance. No big deal. We want to be parents right? We'll do anything. (For the people who have told us we shouldn't do it, I would like for you to put a price on your child. I'm sure you would pay wayyy more for the precious gift you take for granted). Well, another update. I have to go on birth control to try and regulate my cycle. We have been tracking it for the last 2 months, and it hasn't been normal either month. Without a regular cycle, the DR's don't know when to start the medicine to do the egg retrieval. So, we will see what the Birth Control gets me. 

There is our update. It's sad. It's harsh. It hurts. It's why I haven't wanted to say anything. I feel like I'm grieving a life I always thought I would have. I make room in my heart every month for a child that never comes. I do this all between answering e-mails, cleaning bathroom trailers, changing schedules for people, etc, etc, etc. It's part of my every day life. It never leaves me. But then, there are the times where I get to spend a weekend with my husband and just 'be us'. We laugh, we joke, we cry at times. We forget words like 'never' exist. We make jokes about how doing life 'right' really jinxed us. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes..... Not a baby!! (Not intended to offend anyone, just being honest). We dream about all the things $16,000 could buy us. (My husband actually vomits at the thought of that). But at the end of all of it, we love. We love each other. We love our journey, we love the self discovery. We live, we laugh, and we love. Life keeps moving forward. We have to as well! 

I'm going to take a note out of my friend Tiffiny's book and ask that you please don't pity us. Just pray for us. Pray that the 30% chance is enough. Pray that the word 'never' really doesn't exist. Pray that at the end of all of this, we still have each other, because anything less is not a life I would want to live. 

Why sometimes a break is needed My Journey with PCOS

For those of you that have been following along from day one, you already know this. To those of you who are new, here is the cliff notes on my story. 

May 2010 met my husband

May 2011 got engaged

Aug 2012 went off BC

Oct 2012 got married 

Jan 2015....still trying for a baby

I went through 6 months of clinic treatments. Got told I was pregnant, got told I lost the baby, then got told I was never pregnant! Ovulated once, got told my eggs were viable, never had a baby. Spent almost $10,000. 

I hit my bottom. Rock bottom. All I wanted was a baby. All I wanted was to get pregnant. I was a hot mess at work, my marriage was in shambles and my friends didn't really care for me. 

I walked away. My husband and I had the opportunity to transfer within the company we work for to a new state and start a new project. It was just what I needed. Instead of obsessing over having a baby, I just obsessed over starting an office. 

I have excelled at my job again (well...maybe not excelled, but I'm

Not a hot mess anymore), my marriage is in a wonderful place, and all my friends love me again (maybe because I live 1,100 miles away!)

Sometimes you just have to walk away. It doesn't mean you're dream is dead or your hope is gone. It just means that you are going to take the time to stop and live. Often times we get so caught up on our pursuit of happiness, we forget to stop and be happy. I'm happy. My husband is happy, our dog is happy, and that is truly all that matters in life. 

In March we will be starting our journey again. This time with some boundaries. I can't (no promises) go psycho again. Really, I won't let it happen this time. 

Infertility is mean, it's hurtful, and it's ugly. That doesn't mean I need to be those things! 

So right. now , I'm going to go back to being happy with my career, my husband, my dog, and our friends and family.  That doesn't mean that every night I won't pray for our miracle, or won't take my body temperature every morning or still do an ovulation test every night! Let's be honest, I'm still Amanda Jones and infertility drugs or not...I'll always be a little crazy! 

Laughed so hard I cried! My Journey with PCOS

So if you know me personally then you know that I love corny jokes. They make me laugh so hard I snort. They usually aren't funny at all to other people, but they laugh because I am laughing so hard. Sometimes I even lose my breath I laugh so hard!  

I came across this photo today and laughed so hard I cried. Seriously, best joke ever! 

I would rather spend my days crying from laughter then crying from the pain! 

Happy Tuesday y'all! 

Unanswered Prayers My Struggle With PCOS

This week has been a bad week. Month 29 of not getting pregnant. I know that it's not going to happen now with out medicial intervention, but there is something inside of you that just doesn't give up that hope that it will happen. 

Well, I was having a bad week, until today happened. I woke up this morning in excruciating pain (my wonderful cramps), so I got up and took a bath. I asked Nathan to get my some pain mess and he didn't realize I was in the bathroom so he was yelling throughout the house for me. This woke Jack up and then he was running all over the house. That woke up the baby next door and she was screaming bloody murder. What a night mare. 

We got to work and were telling the story to my boss and he said 'imagine that with 2 kids of your own'. My stomach dropped. It was one of the first times that I realized holyyyyy crap. What if we did have a child or children right now. I couldn't even imagine. 

A little over 3.5 Months ago we started on this adventure to Texas. We both accepted promotions and life has been a roller coaster. As of Jan 1st, Nathan will be adding more responsibility to his role and I accepted another promotion into a new portion as well. Life is crazy, life is fun, and our careers are taking us just where we wanted to go. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. We have both worked extremely hard to be where we are at in our careers. It seems as though all the stars are aligning. 

Sometimes we might just need to stop and thank God for our unanswered prayers...even if you want them answered more than anything else! 

You just never know... My Struggle With PCOS

There is something unique about having an invisible illness. No one knows unless you tell them. 

We all get up every morning, place a smile on our face and go out into the world and act as if our lives aren't crumbling apart inside of us. 

The even more unique thing, they are also the people who would never ask why you don't have kids yet, or when you're going to start trying. And you realize it in a second. 

You see I had the fortunate chance to meet someone else fighting the same battle I am fighting. Someone who feels all the same things I feel. Someone who just gets it. And boy was it ever nice. 

We talked, we laughed, we got mad, we got sad. The best thing...we did it together. 

You just never know what another person is going through. Be kind to everyone around you! 

The now... My Struggle With PCOS

12. Despite what my husband believes, paying for IVF is more important than buying a house

Lesson I'm trying to teach the hubs!

The decision has been made. I can't produce an egg. Every month, instead of my egg dropping like it's supposed to, it turns into a little cyst. (Sometimes not so little). Oral medicine hasn't helped. Injections hasn't helped. At this point what that means is, I can't get pregnant naturally. So, in-vitro fertilization it is. 

Now, this is a big conversation. Do you know what all IVF entails? And more likely than not we would end up with Twins and we could even end up with more than that! Ugh...scarrrry! (This is me being dramatic, but seriously. I could have multiples because of this!)

Here's the other thing. IVF is expensive. Like, expensive as shit! (Excuse my French). We're looking at $16,000 for one treatment. First, do you know how many pairs of shoes I could buy with that much money??? Second, do you know how many IVF treatments fail? Well, it's a lot. Good news is, the clinic in Austin will pay you back $12,000 if the treatment fails. So, not too bad right? We'd only he put $4,000. No big deal! (Said no one...ever!)

So here we are, at the crossroads between having a baby or buying a house. We need a house to bring a baby home to. We need a house to be able to sleep peacefully in (without a crying baby on the other side of the wall. At least a crying baby that isn't ours!) We need a house for a magnitude of reasons. I get it, I really do.  I have also compromised on the fact that we are still young. I am only 28 years old and Nathan is only 32!  Nathan is also still set in the fact that we will have a baby naturally (yup, keep on dreaming there pumpkin!)

Long story short, having a baby is again on hold! We will keep trying naturally (and I'll prove to Nathan that I am ALWAYS right and he is ALWAYS wrong)! We will buy a house, and then we will save for In-vitro! I am going to continue to be monitored by my Dr monthly, you know, just in case I do drop an egg. And we will go from there! 

At this point, we're both just along for the ride! We have realized that life is what you make of it. We can spend our time wanting so desperately to have a baby that we miss out on all that is in front of us, or we can come face to face with reality and live in the now. Experience what is in front of us, live life to the fullest and be thankful every day for what we do have! And what we do have is pretty kick ass! :) 

Lessons I've learned from infertility My Struggle with PCOS

I have learned a life full of lessons since discovering I suffer from infertility. Some are good, some are bad, some have been hard, and some make me giggle. Here is my life: 

1. Good things don't always happen to good people. 

2. No matter how bad you want something, sometimes it's not meant to be in the moment. 

3. I've learned to hate my period for completely different reasons then I ever hated it before. 

4. Sometimes even the biggest piece of chocolate can't help your heartache

5. Getting advice from your Mom on your sex life is always awkward. No matter how close you are. 

6. Other people deserve to be happy and have babies. Don't be a hater. 

7. Infertiity can ruin a marriage if you let it. Don't let it. 

8. Always wear clean underwear to the Gyno

9. If you're suffering infertiity your Dr won't care if you shave your legs or not. 

10. It's a lot easier buying pregnancy tests with a ring on your finger. 

11. Everyone has advice. Listen to it all, use what you want of it. 

12. Despite what my husband believes, paying for In vitro is more important than buying a house. 

13. Being bitchy is not cute. Put your big girl panties (clean ones) on and deal with it. 

14. No matter how many books you read, as soon as you finish the last page, you are back to reality. Don't shut out the people who mean the most to you to escape to a land of fiction. 

15. Life goes on. It really really does. 

16. Hold on tight to the hand of the man that is fighting this battle with you. I promise you, you'll try and let go hundreds of times, and he'll never let you! 

My husband, my soul mate, my friend My Struggle With Infertility

My husband. My soul mate. My best friend. My husband is one of the best men I've ever known! He loves me, he inspires me, and he stands beside me in all that I do. Most people in our lives know this already though! I am just sometimes reminded of how special of a guy he is. Today was one of those days. 

Let me tell you a little story! No promises it will be short! :)

About two months ago we were driving down the street and he looked over at me and said "I want to have a baby". My heart broke into a million pieces. You see, I've always wanted a baby at all costs. Nathan has been more consertative, both with the expense of it all and and with the emotional stress it was putting me through. Nathan has always maintained positice saying that it would happen when it was supposed to happen, and we would just try harder. You know, saying all the things that made me want to punch him in the face! :) But, it was his way to stay positive! 

My husband telling me that he wants to have a baby breaks my heart because he will be the most amazing father. He is funny, he is smart, he is well rounded. He is open minded and will love a child no matter what happens in their life. He is someone that many people lean on and depend on but often forget that he might need someone to lean on and depend on top. 

My husband wants a baby. Before, it was always just my hurt. I wanted the baby. Every month was a disappointment in myself. It was me that couldn't give me what I wanted. Now, it's me who can't give my husband, who would give me the world on a white-gold platter if I asked for it, a baby. Actually he would give it to me not even if I asked for it, but if I simply mentioned it was something I would like to have at some point. He loves me like that! :-)

Today, he was teaching a version of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to a classroom full of people. I went into the classroom at the end of the day and was reminded how lucky we are to simply have each other. To know to the core of our beings that we are each other's soul mates and best friends. It's special. My husband is a special man. Everyone that gets to meet him and have him as a part of their life is a better person because of it. I say it all the time, but am truly starting to belibe it. Even if we can never have children, we are blessed to have each other and the love that we share! 

The greatest part of all of it is when I tell him that I feel like I am disappointing him, he simply tells me that I could never disappoint him, kisses my forehead and moves on with his day. 

So to the man who I love more than I ever thought possible to love someone else, thank you for being the person you are. Everyone in your life is better for knowing you. 

New Hope My Struggle With PCOS

A little over two years ago I walked into my Dr's office getting what would be my last Depo Shot. I was on cloud 9. I was getting married in a couple of months. I had just had my bridal shower/bachelorette party. My husband had been home for the weekend. Everything in life was perfect (or at least my version of perfect). 

Fast forward to now. 24 months since I got my last Depo shot, 22 months since we have been trying to have a baby. 

We stopped all treatments about 2 months ago and I have pretty much stopped blogging because there hasn't been much to say. 

We relocated to Texas and are about to open a new site that will keep us pretty busy. I would like to say that having a baby has been the last thing on my mind, but that's simply not the case. It seems like every day I get on Facebook someone new is pregnant. Or stupid Jill Duggar who has only been married for 8 weeks, or Shakira, or whatever other stupid celebrity just accidently ends up pregnant! (Sorry, but they are stupid!) My favorite Facebook announcement this week was one where 4 siblings held up signs that said 'oops it happened again'. Oops, I accidentally unfriended you! :) Rude, I know. Childish, I know. But seriously! 

Anyways, the point of this post was to say that Austin has a world renowned fertility clinic that we are going to visit. I think there may be more to the story then just PCOS. I would rather know the whole story and figure out our options then continue down the path of trying the same thing month after month and just hoping it works! So I'm crossing my fingers that we can 1. Get in soon and 2. Get some better answers then we got in Waterloo! 

And please don't take offense if I delete you from Facebook after you make your pregnancy announcement! I'll re-add you in a couple days when I'm over my temper tantrum because I can't imagine not seeing baby bump pictures or the cute baby pics when they're born! 

P.S. Thanks to those who have accepted me back! 

P.P.S. If it's your 4th or more, I probably won't add you back!! :) (kidding,kidding!!) (not really though!) 

I've missed you guys! :)